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I understand that an A must be allowed to suffer the consequences of his actions if he is ever going to seek help or admit a problem soooo isn't one of these consequences my hurt and anger and the wedge it places in our relationship. If I pretend that everythig is fine and ignore last nights binge aren't I sending a message that this is OK with me. If I calmly go about my affairs doesn't this support his belief that there isn't a problem? I am really trying to understand this ....thanks again for all your ES&H
PS I truly hope that one day I can "give back" to this board....I pray for all of you
Here's how I came to see this type of siuation. Alcholics are continuously able to manipulate and suck us in to the disease and it rocks our world. If we scold them like a child and get upset, it accomplishes two things. It drives them deeper in to their disease because they already feel like crap about themselves and worst of all it upsets US. What kind of consequence can we give a grown adult? Yelling? Silent treatment? Stomping around? Slamming doors? It sounds like we ar getting the consequences, yes? That's not the type of conequence that is reasonable. Again, it only upsets us and adds fuel to the fire. They are too drunk to care anyway.
When we DON'T comment on their behavior it is even worse punishment, believe it or not. They begin to feel very isolated in their disease. Sometimes it causes them to look in the mirror and realize they are the only ones that can help themselves because we refuse to be sucked in.
I used to leave constantly. I always had a plan. I used to say to my Sponsor "Why should I leave my home, he's the drunk"? Well, the answer was "so I could hold on to my serenity and not create havoc in my home". No matter what the situation, how needy he seemed to be, I would walk out the door.
Alanon wants us to take care of us, no matter what. The consequences of binging would be ...missing work the day after (do not call in for him), missing dinner (do not wake him) because they are passed out, feeling awful (do not baby him) the next day etc. Not consequences you create, but ones he creates himself. If there are none for him, so be it. Eventually there will be.
Alanon helped me cut a path in the jungle I was in. I learned that in order to keep the focus on me, I had to stop obsessing about him and let his HP deal with him, it wasn't my job..
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I haven't much time or experience in Al-anon - so please take my experience for what it's worth to you.
My A has said since the beginning nearly of our lives together (and I quote):
"I wish you would just yell at me, be mad. I can't take it when you're calm!"
Of course I wasn't always so calm and he was always happier when I would lose my temper. He tries to "push my buttons" when I'm being calm and detached as well - trying to get that rise out of me - he wants to be scolded, yelled at, disappointed in. Perhaps it is a form of "justification" for the actions on some level for them, I don't know as I truly can't relate.
I've noticed the more detached and calm I am in my conversations with A - the more honest and truthful he is about his addictions.
In my experience, the answer to your question lies in the category of "what is ultimately best for you".... For sure, one of the many consequences of any A's behavior is the fallout with their spouse and/or other loved ones.... But it boils down to what is truly healthy for you.... When you focus on what he does or doesn't do, you are staying in HIS stuff, that you cannot control, no matter how hard you try..... It's kinda like pounding your head into a brick wall - there really isn't a lot of point or value in doing so....
As a general rule, alcoholics tend to respond and listen to our ACTIONS, and not our words. Telling him what he should or shouldn't do, will usually go in one ear and out the other, until which time he chooses to follow a path of sobriety. A much healthier option, for you, is for YOU to get yourself healthy, and far less concerned over what he does or doesn't do.... I would encourage you to pick up my favorite book entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. This is an awesome book, that in a nutshell, suggests that if you "really love your A, you will get yourself healthy". There is really no other rational way, in my humble opinion...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
