The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Having a hard time understanding this program....I have to change...I have to become this perfect compasionate calm caring person who sees the glass half full and sees the A as a person who can't help himself(poor him)..Really struggling with how I am suppose to respond(not react) struggling with my sadness and loneliness ( he didn't drink last night but there is no connection for me...I want love but don't feel loved) I AM tired of feeling this way however sooooooo I will continue to try and work this program. I will let go let God...I will try to banish negative thoughts from my head...I will try to think of the good things in my life.
I wrote down some reasons why I still must try...maybe someone else is struggling with this program today so I share this because ....
Because he is the one with the disease...stupid
Because you can't depend on anyone else for happiness
Because I could never make him do anything that wasn't his idea
Because since he will not change I MUST
Because I am tired of being..playing..feeling..like the VICTIM
Because things can only happen to you if you let them
Because I should know better
PS
A question I asked myself last night that did make me feel better and gave me the strength to keep trying was Does the good outweight the bad? for today I think the answer is yes so I will keep on trying
Keep coming back Elizabeth. Things don't get better overnight, we took a long time to get this way, and most of us have lived with this disease for a long time, and kinda lost ourselves along the way, just dealing with all we deal with.
Things will get better.
And, I have also asked myself---does the good outweigh the bad? And, so, for me also, it does. Today I will stay, and focus on myself and allow myself to feel the love all around me, 9not necessarily from my A. ) I think he loves me as much as he is capable of right now. And when I add in the love of others, and the love of HP, for me that is enough for now. I have found so much love and acceptance in Alanon, and I am fairly new too. But am slowly learning.
If I slip or get a bad attitude, I get up and get over it. And each day is a new beginning! How great is that?????
I can totally understand where you're coming from! So often, including today, I think "WHY DO I HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK?"
What helps me, is to really noone is comparing who is doing/not doing the work but me. And this comparison is harming me, not helping me because it spurs on my resentment.
I am doing this work not for the A's in my life but for me.
The measure of my progress is not whether the A is getting better, but whether I am getting better.
I DESERVE the rewards of this program: : serenity, joy, patience, and peace.
I DESERVE my own goals, my own relationship with HP, my own active, full life.
Yes, I remind msyelf, ultimately, that will help me deal with the A's in my life, but that is really a side benefit. I am not doing this FOR the A's in my life and yet things with the A's may get better nonetheless.
As I says this to you, it also helps reaffirms these goals for myself. Thanks for reminding me how important it is to do this program for ME.
Elizabeth: I would not put it that the A is not able to help himself. As I come to understand denial (and that includes my own denial) I am more and more aware that it has to be a powerful defence. I think my HP put me in this job in the hospital (in this particular job too) where I get to read how an end stage Alcoholic dies which is a horrible death. I have always read how alcholism leads to institutions and more and kind of glossed over that. There are of course all kinds of deaths from many things and death is not pleasant by any means. Nevertheless death from alcholism when the alcoholic get encepahalopathy (where their mind gets all confused and irrational because of the amount of amonia in their blood) is horrible. So I would have to say that rationally someone who drinks themselves to death has a lot going on there. I would say the same about smoking which I also look at as a substance abuse of sorts.
I do know that my A has chosen not to avail himself of the help he needs. And I also know real help is hard to get. At the same time coming to Al-anon at a real low point in my life more than 6 months ago was a huge life saver for me. I now view al-anon as my principal program. I find al-anon helps me tremendously in my everyday life. I do not just need help looking at the A. I need lots of help in many areas of my life. I need help in working, organizing myself and focusing on me. That for me has been the great paradox of the program, I came here because I felt so alone and desperate about the A and I found tremendous help and solace for me.
