The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I dont know WHAT the deal was last night, but I all of a sudden went into panic mode about my A, who I have not spoken to in 11 days now.
I am doing so well with my recovery, getting stronger, feeling more confident, calm and accepting.
I have even been talking to God in prayer and instead of begging for relief from the heartache I have told the Lord I am grateful for the short time He brought him back into my life and for the geniune love and the good times with him.
I just MISS this man so much! I am filled with desire for him! I absolutely love him with my entire soul.
Tonight I have a Bachelorette Party to go to, in the town where 2 of his 5 loser friends live. My car will be parked on the main street through town. In the back of my mind OF COURSE I am hoping he visits his losers and sees my car and comes in the little hole in the wall bar where the party is to see what I am up to in there, confess his misery without me in his life, commit to working on his sobriety and wisk me away and make love until the sun comes up and have a fresh start together...fantasy is so much nicer than reality....if he saw my car he would just keep on going and have his Rum & Diet and possibly some Xanax since these people he hangs with are social security collecting bums and get their prescriptions filled at the first of every month. You see, my A earns $1200 weekly and HE finances their boozing the rest of the month.
OH, Jen, You are way too good for this BS.....pull your head out of his a** and let the summer sun shine on your face.....SO tough!
Hope you all have a great weekend!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Jen
PS We have 3 people in the "Pen Pal Club" if you are interested IM me with your home or office adress and we can share with each other- sending cards, letters, pictures, notes of encouragment....the old fashioned approach to communication, sounds refreshing and uplifting!
I know exactly what you are going thru, done it many times. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing great....but remember we spent many years getting this sick, we will not become well overnight. And, it hasn't been that long for you. Sadness will come and go.
Fantasies, oh, yeah, those! I would sit around alone thinking my A was lonely, thinking of me......wrong! He was doing what he wanted without having to deal with me.....that doesn't mean he wasn't feeling bad, but he was probably thinking more about his next drink than he was me.....it will always be that way unless his finds recovery. And I know that. But, sometimes it is still hard. So, go enjoy the day, go to your party, pretend like you don't even know his loser A friends live there.
Fantasies can also be used to make us healthier. Forget you even know his friends live there. If possible, park your car where he won't see it if you think he will come in to where you are.
Go, and have fun. Be safe. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it!
Easy does it there lady. Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you know how many times I've wished my A could see me? Haven't seen since I asked him to leave 3 weeks ago. Haven't spoken in a week. We have to do what we feel is necessary to survive. Trust me, I've slipped many a time. But we get back up and start again.
I know hard hard it is missing someone. I miss my sober hubby more than I can tell you. For some reason it got to me today. Nothing in particular it just hit a bit when I was doing some things around the house. But I remind myself that I don't miss the chaos that he drinking was bringing into the house. That's what keeps me focused. Reminding myself that I did the right thing for both of us. I needed to start taking back my life. So when the lonliness hits, or memories are getting me a bit down, I just refocus on something else. Like playing some music, coming here, or taking a long shower. I practice peace/serenity.
Hang in there, you're doing just fine.
Live strong,
Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My car will be parked on the main street through town. In the back of my mind OF COURSE I am hoping he visits his losers and sees my car and comes in the little hole in the wall bar where the party is to see what I am up to in there, confess his misery without me in his life, commit to working on his sobriety and wisk me away and make love until the sun comes up 
.....SO tough!
