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Just thinking about a couple of "aha" moments in my recovery, kind of 'lines in the sand' that are memories, and perhaps stepping stones for me finally "getting it" and moving towards a healthier life for me....
1. Blame - I was at a family conference at my ex-wife's treatment center, and was talking to one of the counselors there.... I had been attending Al-Anon for a few years, and I guess I was fairly full of myself, etc.... He asked if there was anything else bothering me, and I told him, truthfully, that "part of me almost wanted my wife to use again, so that I could walk away from the marriage, honorably, once and for all". Now, I would have sworn at the time that I was no longer 'playing the victim', but his response almost floored me. I was half expecting a bit of a "poor Tom, it must be really hard" kinda response, but the counselor instead said: "of course you do... that way you can continue to blame your wife for everything that goes wrong in your life, and not take personal accountability for anything!" Well, I....... he......... was 100% right...
2. Fighting for what? - I was in counselling for many years, trying desperately to salvage what was left of my marriage... I would almost continuously swing back and forth between the whole "stay vs. go" decision, and one day at the counselor's appointment, my counselor told me, almost in yelling voice: "Tom, you are trying to save the concept of a white picket fence marriage, but guess what..... yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!" Touche.
3. Powerlessness - my wife was in the midst of her very active years, and I was beside myself with worry, anger, fear of the future, etc., etc.... I was trying hard to work my program, but was often times getting way too far ahead of myself. My counselor (same one as above), watched me cry like a baby in his office, and he asked me simply - "so, do you still think you can control or influence your wife's drinking?", and I bawled out my response of "Yes!", and he smiled calmly and said.... "so, how's it working for you so far?". I don't remember laughing that hard in a long, long, time, but again, he was soooo right.
4. Expectations - my sponsor loved to remind me that it was ridiculous to expect 'sick and irrational' A's to behave healthy and rationally. He used to make me envision my wife with a bit SSS stamp on her forehead, reminding me that she is "Sick, Sick, Sick"
5. Focus - my sponsor is an online sponsor, a wonderful oldtimer from Florida. One of my early e-mails to him, when I was whining about my wife, her drinking, her behaviors, etc..... He responded by simply e-mailing back "38". I was completely confused, and asked him what that meant, and he explained: "you referred to your A a total of 38 times in your last e-mail. I am YOUR sponsor, and not hers. Until you can get that number down to a more reasonable number, like 4-5, I will NOT respond to your questions. Sheesh, he didn't mess around.... and I totally needed that wake-up call.
6. Humor - on the very last night my wife was drinking, the night before she went to her (hopefully) last treatment center, we went over to another couple's house for dinner. My ex was really struggling, and managed to get super drunk just before we left for their house, so by the time we got there, she was literally almost passing out at the table. She got up to go to the washroom, and stumbled backwards, almost falling back onto the dinner table, before being caught by the host. He uprighted her, and she stumbled off to the washroom. After an awkward couple of moments of silence, I said to the group - "I dunno, maybe I'm overreacting to all of this....it doesn't look like she has THAT big a problem". Lol. I just find that we need to keep our senses of humor about us, even in the darkest days.
So those are some of the "aha" moments from my recovery thus far..... Anyone else want to share some?
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"Yes, Virginia, it IS a disease - My husband, who earlier that day had gone to quite a bit of trouble to make some little thing in my life easier, and who had spent a couple of hours taking the kids to garage sales, coming home laughing together. Now, it's 3 AM, and he is a raging drunken monster - stark naked in the middle of the kitchen, screaming at me, his eyes like nothing human, gibberish coming from his mouth. Suddenly it was like a light coming on in my head - "He wouldn't do this if he had a choice. The loving intelligent humane man I saw this morning does not turn himself into a monster because it's fun". I felt an enormous wave of compassion, and something changed that night that never changed back.
I love this topic , I have had so many aha (spiritual awakenings) moments , one of my first was when at a convention a lady walked up to me and simply said " Ya know honey ! You didn't pick this guy cause u were the the healthiest nut in the barrel ." and walked away . sheeeeeesh.
Another was the n ite my husb stood in front of me waving a beer can in my face (not in a threatning way) just talking trying to make me understand. He said YOu see this as a problem for me it's a solution , and I almost laughed but I looked into his eyes and he was begging me to understand . I got it This is truly a disease. no one in thier right mind wants to live this way. He at the moment had lost his power of choice.
I was sitting in a meeting one nite when it hit me that everything I hated about my husband , I was. I wanted that floor to open up and swallow me before i had to admit that out loud. hehe that sure spurned me to change my thinking about him I tell ya. I had all the isms no booze. I was selfrightous , selfish , arrogant. selfcentered the list is way to long to post here.
I have been sitting here thinking of my AHA moments. There have been a few and still some I think i am resisting but I would like to share my most important one of all. Even though or maybe because it shows my worst side that has become my best side when used correctly.
My biggest AHA momemt came last year after having been in marriage counseling for about 2 sessions. I found my husband had taken and pawned more of my possessions. Something happened to me almost as if I left my own body and had no control over my actions the anger and pain of disappointment was that intense. I walked down the stairs, around a corner to the kitchen, stopped to grab a large knife, walked down the basement steps and proceded to stab holes in my husband's drum set. He had followed, when i was done I calmly told him if you F@@@ with anymore of my things I will destroy yours. Now that was an AHA moment of how close I was to completely losing myself in this and that I needed help, but not the biggest.
The biggest came a day later at our next counseling session ... I explained what had happened to our counselor. He asked if that was the smartest thing I could have done, I could have sold them etc ... My biggest AHA came when I looked him in the eye and told him this is the first time I have stood up for myself in 12 years, I would not give it up for anything in the world and would do it again if I could go back to that moment. He looked shocked and I didn't care.
It may not have been the smartest thing but it was exactly what I needed in order to see how sick I had become. I am proud to say though I have not had any out of body moments or thoughts of violence towards objects since .... oh by the way I have never had them toward people LOL. I know this is an odd share, just what I thought of as most important in my road to recovery for myself.
I'm still very early in my recovery, but here are a few of my "AHA" moments as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic struggling with co-dependency issues:
1. After the break-up of a recent relationship, a relationship that was riddled with me trying very unsuccessfully, and repeatedly to get my needs met through my partner, my therapist asked me, "Do you have confidence that you can live the life you want regardless of whether or not you're in a relationship?" Wow! I realized that no, I didn't have that confidence, and that's why I was clingy, and anxious, just-all-out insecure every moment of every day in my partnership.
2. After having called my ex-partner at work to schedule one of a million "talk about us [a.k.a. me and my needs that are not being met]" then gotten annoyed when my partner was busy and couldn't talk until late, then called back twice more, and then finally talked late around 10 p.m. certain that I COULD NOT LIVE if we did NOT TALK TODAY, and had a terrible talk that went in a circular-absolutely go no-where, direction. I got off the phone feeling resentful, sure that once again my ex-partner had railroaded a coversation. Then, a few days later the Alanon phrase hit me, "became irritable and unreasonable without knowing it...trying to force solution" And, I realized THAT"S ME! I've become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. WHO ELSE would force a conversation at 10 p.m. at night after a LOOOONG and BUSY workday with an ex who was nolonger in one's life? WHO ELSE would bring up the same topic over and over and over again relentlessly even after we'd broken up despite never making any headway the many years we were together? Then I realized...
3. The needs I had weren't unreasonable [just the way I was bringing them up was unreasonable]. Of course, I wanted a partner that showed their love by spending time with me or listening to my feelings. And, guess what, if my needs weren't unreasonable, then, I, with the help of my HP, COULD MEET THEM. EUREKA! And, guess, what, I always could have, even when we were together, but I couldn't see that then.
4. For me, the confidence that I can meet my needs is built through action. Last weekend, I took a bikeroad, and as I soared down a long hill, in the beautiful summer air, with the breeze, and the intoxicating smell of summer flowers, surrounded by the lush greenery of the bike path I was on, I felt joyous and elated! So, here, I thought to myself is the joy I'm seeking. Suddenly, I felt confident that, yes, I could survive this break-up, and yes, I could live the life I wanted whether or not I was in a partnership.
Ultimately, this confidence is about a blossoming and healing in my that shows me I can live through an ACOA childhood and thrive.
Hello, canadianguy, Thank you for this topic. I guess a lot of my "aha" moments have to do with accepting something about myself that I didn't want to see. Like, that I was acting as if I had control of everything, or that I am often insecure, or that I can be opinionated and bossy. I always thought I was right. This is such a good topic because it gets us off the A and onto ourselves. I've been very lucky to have some gentle but strong people in my life who have told me the truth, even when I didn't want to hear it! Blessings, mebjk
For me the "aha" moment came when my husband was actually trying to stop drinking on his own and was crazier than ever in untreated withdrawal, before then I really thought that his drinking was just a selfish pursuit and he was just a stupid jerk.
My husband tried to stop drinking to please me, then as his sick brain craved and he went into withdrawal he began to hate me with a hate so great for putting him that position that it was truly scary. He hated me for telling him I would leave him if he did not stop drinking. He truly needed both of us equally it seemed and it was literally tearing him apart inside and truly driving him crazy to be forced to chose between two things he thought he neded to live (our marriage was the prop he thought he needed to help hide his dependence on alcohol).
He was pursuing other women and other relationships behind my back, online, trying to find a woman to leave me for, someone to care for him like I did, SIGH. He was so crazy then and acting out so badly that he was not successful.
His brains were so scrambled that he did it on an email program that I owned and was in my name and I had the passwords for, when he could have opened a free email account to do it. I found out about it of course and confronted him. He was FURIOUS, and I was too...
Anyway, his reaction was to tell me to do the same thing. In fact, he wanted me to find a man for myself and bring him into our home. He said "please bring him to the house and move him in and let me shake his hand". He looked at me with such quiet desperation it shook me to my very soul. He said "PLEASE find someone to take you off my hands so I have an excuse to get out of here faster, I want to meet him and be able to shake his hand". He was not joking...
UM...that is NOT normal!!! Most husband hit the ceiling and it kills them when they get divorced and the wife moves in another guy into a home they still pay for with their kids.
It was then that it hit me like a bolt of lightning that he was very very very sick. That is not normal for any man, much less a husband still living with a wife and paying the bills for a home to want her to be with another man in HIS home...SHEESH...it was then that the whole 'alcoholism is a sickness" hit home for me. It was not a choice he did, he needed alcohol to survive.
I was so good to him that he could not bring himself to leave me and chose alcohol over me. So he wanted DESPERATELY to be FORCED out so he could live with himself and his alcohol. If I committed adultery, he could leave with clean conscience, that I had chosen, and he would be free to live with his real love...alcohol.
I went from being disgusted by him to pitying him. How sad to be that sick that you want to throw your wife into another man's arms so you can get what you need...what a price to pay for alcohol. It also drove hom to me the power of addiction, how it can change your very soul, that you would not feel very basic and instinctive human emotions...SHUDDER!
It was then that I ceased seeing him as an enemy and began to see him as a sick person...and I sought out alanon to learn to cope
1. First time was after to speaking to my sponsor about attitude and how i controlled mine. Sounded nuts to me. I couldn't figure out how this would help get ex and son off drugs, but her words were in my head and all of a sudden I remembered from my past an experience. My mom was hitting me in the head and saying you have a bad attitude. I realized at that moment I had believed that. Believed that i was born with it...It was such a relief to know that I did have a choice....love abe Lincoln's words Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be..Wow I hadn't thought of that for along time.
2. Everything sounded nuts to me at first. lol but for some reason i stayed and listened, alot of times I thought... I'm not like that. One day though..Online a friend, was talking about a pamplet "Merry Go Round of Denial" I said I hadn't seen it. She was talking about being a provoker...sounded familiar ...She typed it out for me...still have it
She is the provoker------- she is hurt and upset by repeated drinking episodes but she holds the family together despite all the trouble caused by drinking. In turn she feeds back into the marriage her bitterness, resentments fears and hurt and so becomes the source of provication. She tries to control, she tries to force the changes, she wants and sacrifices and adjusts, she never gives up
Wow!!! Did that hit me in the eyes...It was the first time I realized I had a responsibility in the whole mess. The tears flowed and ya know, I apoligized to all my family. They then thought I was nuts lol...but I will never forget that day, or that person...ever!
3. My son was so into meth. I was so obsessed with it. I could not get minding my own business. ( are u seeing a pattern here?) I was given a hula hoop. inside the hoop was my business...outside the hoop was not. Well after another slip of tieing my son up in my apron strings, I was looking at the hoop. I thought, next time Carol! next time you screw up, u are wearing that hoop all day...I imagined wearing it to the bank, post office, grocery store and in the produce department, the thing had grown red suspenders...had me lol at myself and that got me to lighten up on myself. I figured I could try again, and learned a little humor goes along way in my program. I still love that thought...Alanon is a journey enjoy it!
Thanks so much for this thread ~ I've had so many quantum leaps & I really feel like I will "be ok" and make it then I get pushed off by wtvr & feel like I am no where in my Program, no where in my recovery ~ 22 years & counting it is still a ODAT thing, a willingness for me to surrender to HP's will continually.
So I guess it ebbs & flows, sometimes I'm really strong, other times I feel like I don't have a clue... I know I'm still too hard on myself, all of the fabulous guilt that us ACOA's hold onto, still deep in my psyche the old tapes kick in & tell me, "if I made those straight A's I'd be loved & appreciated."
I guess the biggest 'aha' moment of mine was last September when I was feeling sorry for myself, talking to God & HP hit me like a bolt of lightening that I was NO different than the A's if I continually threw all of my love away, giving it all to them, not saving any for myself ~ I was dying on the inside out but I could clearly, logically see that God was giving me truth & was right. Next step was to take a tangible amount of love for myself, I decided I could love myself 1/4 of 1%, minute, so small not even a "glint" but it has grown.
It was extra hard b/c even though I still particpated in my mother's life & did everything I could for her, it wasn't 'good enough' & she still said our relationship was "crap" ( u know the S word).
I can't force her to love or accept me, my trouble is focusing on myself, loving myself, nurturing myself as it is a complete turn around from all that I have ever known.
I don't have to feel sorry for myself, I have a lot of love to give, so why not give it to me?
I'd rather be alone than have another A in my life.
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
