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My husband has been an alcoholic for the entire time that we've been together. He was drunk the night we met and he was drinking on our first date. We were both very young then...he was 22 and I had just turned 19. I chalked it up to the typical young adult craziness that most of us go through. Hell, I had my own wild phase where I drank VERY heavily...so heavily that I had a big scare that woke me up to what I was doing long before I reached the legal drinking age. By the time we met, I had long since stopped the partying. My husband was only 22...I never stopped to think that he had a problem. Looking back now, I should have known. Honestly, I think that somewhere deep inside, I did know but didn't want to admit it. He was great...almost perfect in my eyes and treated me wonderfully. To admit that he had a problem would have meant admitting that he wasn't as perfect as I thought and that just wasn't acceptable.
Within three months of our first date, I was pregnant. We were both scared of course, but we were thrilled at the same time. I had moved out on my own by the time we met and was struggling big time, but I was making it...slowly. My parents encouraged me to move back home so they could help me out while we got things together enough to get an apartment together. Initially, my husband wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he came to see reason fast enough. He wanted to get married right away but I balked at it. I knew I loved him and that he loved me, of that I never had any doubts, but taking that step scared me in a big way. I knew that we weren't ready for that. Our son was born and he was a great dad. Even though I lived at home, our son never went without. My husband came to see him every single day, even if only to tuck him in for the night when he got off of work. My husband was working hard and saving money for us to get a place together, we had a son who we both adored. Everything was going great and I was filled with hope for a wonderful future. What I didn't know was what was going on after he left my parents house. I didn't know that he was hitting the bar or various friends' houses to drink before he went home for the night. All I ever saw him do was have a beer or two after work and even that wasn't every night. I don't know how I missed it, but I did. Now I wonder if I never really missed it, but again chose not to see it.
Flash forward a little bit now. Our son was 18 months old and we moved into our first apartment. We were both so happy. I got a job at a grocery store a couple of blocks away, he had his job...things were really looking good, definitely not easy, but manageable. Again though, there were things happening behind the scenes when I wasn't around. My husband's friends started coming over to hang out and drink. I was furious when I found out that he was drinking while he was in charge of caring for our son but he swore that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought and I foolishly believed him. At that time, both of my grandparents were dying, I had just suffered a miscarriage and I was very wrapped up in all of that. I was spending long hours at the hospital with my grandparents on top of working, so that gave my husband many more opportunities to drink and let loose behind my back. I was blind to so many things. The warning signs were always there but I either never saw them or chose to ignore them altogether. Through all this, my husband kept on me about getting married. I finally agreed and we started planning a big wedding. I was filled with hopes and dreams of a wonderful future together. When we found out I was pregnant again, we scrapped all the wedding plans and two weeks later were married. Our son was 2 and a half years old. By this time, I knew that my husband had a problem, but I wouldn't say that I knew he was an alcoholic. I foolishly believed that if he loved me enough, he would stop drinking. He did try too...I have to give him that. He drastically cut back and the friends stopped coming around.
Everything changed when we moved to a new apartment. My husband fell in with an alcoholic crowd and things got worse...much worse. He was gone with these guys every single night and I was left to lie awake wondering if he was going to come home or if I was going to get a phone call that said he was either dead or in jail. The jail calls did come. Still, I loved him more than anything. I believed in my wedding vows and I swore I was going to stick by him no matter what. Time went on and my husband was in and out of different treatment programs. Sometimes he would only last a few days, but other times he would make it for several months. The end result was always the same...he fell back into old habits.
Flash forward yet again...we bought a house and moved out of the apartment. I was so hopeful that getting my husband away from his drinking buddies would be a big help. At first it did help but it didn't take long for him to find new drinking buddies and the cycle started yet again. It's during this time that my husband started to lose jobs because of his drinking. None of the employers said that, but I knew the real reason and so did my husband. The difference is that I would say it out loud...he couldn't. Even through it all, I was still hopeful that things would change. Finally, in November, 2003 things did take a turn for the better...or so I thought. My husband got his fourth DUI, but it finally opened his eyes to the fact that he's an alcoholic and he got serious about getting sober. The night he got the ticket is the last time he's taken a drink. I was thrilled. I was so sure that FINALLY, things were going to get better. How could they not get better? Alcohol was the root of so many of our problems. Our finances were a total wreck and we were in danger of losing our house, but I didn't care. I thought we could only go up from there. I couldn't have been more wrong. I can't believe how wrong I was...I was even warned about it too, but I never believed what the person told me. She warned me that my husband quitting drinking could open up a whole new set of problems but I didn't believe her. She HAD to be wrong! How could quitting the one thing that was causing so many problems be a bad thing??? I was filled with a renewed hope when before I had almost none left.
For awhile, things did get better but now I've discovered that the person who warned me about change hit the nail on the head. My husband has told me that his feelings for me have changed and that he is no longer in love with me. I've come to the realization that he never really was. He spent nearly 14 years of our life together in a druken stupor so I feel that he never really knew me at all, that HE never really loved me. The active alcoholic loved me, but the person my husband really is never did. He says that he'll always love me, but that he's not IN love with me. I can't go on like this, so I'm throwing in the towel. I've asked him point blank if he feels we have anything left to try to save and he can't answer me. That tells me all I need to know. I'm going to have to go home to my parents for awhile because there's no way I can keep this house on my own and my husband is in no position to do anything with it either because he's had a harder time keeping a job lately than he ever did when he was drinking...go figure that one out because I certainly can't.
What hurts the most is that I stuck with him through what I thought was the worst and all of a sudden he no longer can love me. I gave him 17 years of my life...almost half of it and all I get for it is "I'm not in love with you anymore." I can't understand how that could happen. I gave him the best that I have and 17 years later find out that it was never enough. I'm very bitter right now and I've had to stop myself from lashing out to hurt him. I've spent the last three days trying to come up with a way to hurt him as much as he's hurt me, but finally realize that doing that will get me nowhere. I'm a better person than that. I only hope that I can find the strength to get through this because right now I feel like I'm falling apart completely.
That's quite a post Kelly, and yes, you WILL get through this... This entire world of addictions, alcoholism, etc., throws us so many challenges.... Unfortunately, the story you have described is not all that unique or rare, and I guess, in some respects, it's not all that surprising.... I admire the fact that you are coming to grips with all this stuff, and that you want to honor yourself MORE than you want to lash back at your hubby. You and your children will be better off in the long run if you are able to maintain that attitude, as being negative and bitter never helped anyone...
I took my many years with my A as a (hard) life lesson.... I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but I do acknowledge that I am a better person for having gone through all the growth and learning that this has caused me to do..... I think, when healthy, we "Al-Anons" are some of the greatest people around, as we understand our own accountabilities & emotions more than most (so-called) 'normal' people out there.
I just wanted to offer you the encouragement that as long as Kelly likes Kelly, you will be just fine. Take care of you, and those kids..
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
there are no easy answers on this subject. I understand your pain and want you to know there is a whole bunch of people here who care. I left my husband about 4 weeks ago after being told that "it's over, it will never work, you are the reason I drink/use" // within one week of leaving the house he has lost his job of 12 years. I moved home to my parents with 2 dogs in tow, and filed divorce papers less than 2 weeks ago mainly to protect my financial life, it is not my wish to divorce but I know I have to. Knowing what the stress and grief doing this is doing to me, I am so sorry you are having to feel these things too. I wish for you to find some peace and serenity even in the chais right now. Please keep coming back.
You are not alone. I met my husband when he was six months clean. Within two years he hurt his back and his addiction was kicked off again. We went through two years of hell, with him almost dying a couple of times . . . finally, he went to rehab. I was elated. He came back from rehab a new person, full of life, talking about wanting to start a family . . . then slowly things began falling apart. He isn't using drugs or alcohol, but for over a year he became more self centered, secretive, paranoid, defensive . . . all of the isms. He would be on the computer for 14 hours a day . . . in AA chat rooms. He started wanting nothing to do with me . . . just live his life and not have to be accountable to anybody. It was horrible to hear some of the things he said to me, like "who would want to be with you," and "who would want to touch you." He blamed me for spending so much time on the computer, because I was just so demanding of him. About 3 months ago he said maybe I should go to my mom's for a while. I haven't been back since. He won't really talk to me . . . just send me these business like e-mails. He wasn't even upset that I left until some bills started coming due . . . that was the only time he really contacted me and wanted to know what was going on . . . but when I would try to talk about feelings and needs, he would shut down and say that he wasn't going to go into it.
5 days ago I got an e-mail that he's sending me marital resolution papers. I called him, the first time in months, and he wouldn't talk to me. He said he didn't have to answer any of my questions and he wasn't obligated to me.
I have just been reeling the last few days . . . depressed, angry, sad, panic attacks, sick. It's like a death has occurred. I love him and he doesn't want me. I stood by him during the worst, and he can't stand by me as my husband in life.
I don't know what's going to happen. I am just praying for God to help me through this . . . I am scared. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, too. My heart shares in your pain.
My heart is hurting for you rio...boy does a lot of that sound familiar.
I heard the same stuff when my husband breifly stopped drinking. It is like the read the same book. I heard "I still love you in a general "love your fellow human being way" but I am not IN love with you". SIGH
My husband was on the verge of losing his high profile job by doing some very dangerous acting out. I was at a total loss...
I went to see a psychologist that knew my husband from a couple of marriage counseling sessions. I told him all that was going on, not only the marital problems but also the public acting out that was seriously jeapordizing his job.
He is retirement age and had seen a lot and was very experiences. He told me that many alcoholics suffere from untreated mental illness and that they are self medicating with alcohol. He also told me that alcohol is actually a very effective way to medicate mental illess, as it is a central nervous system depressent as are many medications for mental illness. He said that these mental illnesses in alcholics are very difficult for many mental health professionals to diagnose, as it is difficult to tell what is mental illness and what is residual brain damage from alcoholism (that may get better) and what is developmental delays and social ineptness from dealing with life's dissapointments and problmes by numbing yourself rather than gaining inner stregnth by learning to deal with them.
He said that they are hard to diagnose and even more difficult to treat. He also explaned that many alcholics are scared away from the sort of treatment that is really comprehensive. They too want to think that all that is wrong with them is that they drink too much. They don't want to be told that they are inherently ill and alcholism is just a symptom of their mental illness. So, many treatment centers just treat the alchol addiction and take the "hope for the best" type of philopshy and don't worry too much about what else is wrong. Alcholism is the primary worry as it costs our governemt SO much money in sickness, accidents, unemployment, welfare, etc.
So...I told my husband that the ultimatum was off, that I would not tell him not to drink, that it had to be his decision.
So, after an entire year of indifference, refusal to speak to me, claims that he no longer loved me, and that our marriage was just a sham, he went back to drinking, regained his sanity, and decided that he loved me again, SIGH.
Go figure....
So, it may not be that he never loved you, it may be that now his underlying illness is coming to the foreground and he is just not himself.
I just came in from work and came right here. I know that what is happening to me isn't unique...in fact I'm fairly certain that it's VERY common. I just can't believe that it's happening to ME. I'm 36 years old and my life is more out of control right now than it ever has been. If anyone had told me years ago that I'd be considering moving back home with my parents at 36 I'd have told them that they were crazy but here I am doing exactly that.
It all still feels so unreal, like I'm living someone else's nightmare. I keep hoping that I'm going to wake up and everything will be the way it should be. I blew a gasket at my husband before I left for work today. He said something to the effect of "I think we'll work out better apart as friends than we do as a married couple...people at the tables talk about how well it's worked out for them all the time. They say that they're much closer to their ex's now than they were before." Last time I checked, we are more than other people at the tables. I've given him my entire adult life and now he thinks we can be friends??? He put me through 17 years of total hell and I stuck by him through all of it and to this day still love him and he wants to be FRIENDS??? We both took vows to stick it out through better and for worse and he wants to be FRIENDS??? I see it as "Thanks for standing by me when I was at my lowest, but I'm done with you now...see ya later and have a nice life." It boggles my mind that he can treat me this way and it hurts more than anything I've ever known.
Wow, rio, that is so unfair. Life is unfair. I recently left my husband of 31 years so I know what you mean about honoring your marriage vows. I struggled a lot with that one. But my brother, who is a preacher, told me that God does not want us to be unequally yoked (sp?) and that helped me to understand a few things. First, above all else, I had to live a life that honored God not just my vows. Secondly, I will not accept the blame thrown at me. He chose to do drugs. Third, as a mother, I will protect my children at all costs. It was hard for me to realize truth. I went around with blinders on thinking my life was good. I too was blind to the behind-the-scenes happenings. My husband was in rehab twice and a mental hospital once when he left me with three kids and no money and rent due. That was my first awakening. After rehab, I believed him because I wanted to believe him. I wanted a perfect husband, father, and marriage. We bought a home and the financial strain, according to him, put distance between us. He worried about bills (like I didn't?) and I honestly believe that he resented my existence. Now, one thing that's strange too and I've recently come to terms with is that he seems to think I'm supposed to be this resilient mother of all mothers, wife of all wives, and just accept financial problems, emotional stress, and bear the weight of all things.
My heart goes out to you. I'm new here and hope you and I can vocalize our anger and our disappointments and find friends who will give us a safe harbor, a resting place, and a much needed shoulder to lean on.
My heart goes out to you.. !! I think you can walk away and know that YOU did everything in your power to love and honor your husband and your marriage. You cant make someone love you just like you cant make someone stop drinking. I have learned that I cant control ANYONE else but ME> I know that your heart is breaking right now and I also know that you just want to HURT him but my suggestion is to look UP !! God has given you beautiful children tonight hug them a little bit tighter, take time to find YOU.. If you are anything like me, you have spent the last several years taking care of everyone else but YOU.. I know that I lost me in the process, Alanon has helped me find myself again after years and years of trying to control my alcoholic husband. I will tell you that sometimes living on this rollercoaster makes us ALL doubt where we are and what we feel.. Maybe time is what you need, get to know each other again.. Let him find a sober self and you go and work on YOU .. Maybe you will find each other again, who knows?? They say if you love something set it FREE, if it comes back it is yours if it doesnt it wasnt meant to be... I know that will be hard, but in the process you will find that person that you are... Not a wife, mother, caregiver but YOU...
As with my A husband, I think there are alcoholics who when they are in recovery, just can't cope with the wants/needs of a spouse. I think they view it as a tremendous weight on them. I also think alcoholics are inherently self centered, so it is very hard for them to empathize with their spouse and understand their needs. They love us and want us when they're using, because they can self medicate their stressors; but when the drugs are gone, they have to stand alone, and it is just too much for some.
My A husband is divorcing me. I think as Rios said, it is so hard to comprehend that we stood by them, and they can just let us go . . . just be friends or castaways when they finally stop the drugs/alcohol. It is like some cruel joke.
I was grateful for the reply from one of the members stating that a lot of underlying mental issues surface after the drugs/alcohol are removed. These are very sick individuals we are dealing with -- as a spouse and especially as a woman, you think "what did I do wrong," "what is wrong with me that he doesn't love me." But there is something very wrong with them. I'm not saying that we all don't share in marital problems and issues, but the alcoholic has some major issues when it comes to relationships.
I think I am mourning what could have been, more than what actually was. There were a few times when I felt like I was with the real man . . and he was wonderful; but the other ones were there much more often - either the alcoholic or the dry drunk.
Rios, you are right, it is mourning a death . . . but in a way it's worse, because you know that person is still out there, within reach it seems, but has chosen to walk away.
