The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have felt a lot less hopeful since looking at this site and reading a few things by people who have been married to/partners of alcoholics. The general consensus seems to be that As don't get better, they just go on drinking and they basically don't give a damn about anyone or anything if it conflicts with the drinking. This sounds childish but: I don't want it to be true and I don't believe it is. Sure, there have been days when he's got pissed STRAIGHT AFTER saying that he knows he has to stop and will do his best. Sure, the "I'll try, I'll do my best" always has a silent "but I'll never manage" after it. But I can't bear this. So much of the time he is so good, so sharp, so much "there" that I can't bear the thought of watching helplessly as he goes downhill. As if he had incurable cancer or something.
Please, please, could someone tell me a story with a happy ending? I have had such a shite life, and I really believed something good had happened. I can't bear it if it is yet another disaster.
There is hope, to me Al-Anon is all about hope - "whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." For me personally, My husband is an active member of AA and actually has 7 months more recovery than I do. But I had to learn that the focus is not about him, it's about me. Because I had issues long, long before I married him. Issues that I never knew about until I enter the program. I have a step-daughter who is still very "active" in the disease of alcoholism. It is hard, but I can't that steal my joy.
Don't quit before the miracle happens, that's the miracle in you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I have question. Do you attend meetings in your area? The reason I ask is because no one can completely (imho) grasp everything that al-anon encompasses simply by attending online meetings, chats and boards. Thats ok if its the only way for you to get there, but there is so much more hope shared at face to face meetings than here online. (once again, imho) Reason being there are more people who come here, never get to a real meeting and continuie to have the misconception that 'our' program is about only being able to be happy if the alcoholic 'is fixed', 'all better', yada yada. I am sure no one ever means to be negative, its just that sometimes its just where you are at the time. And thats ok too. In al-anon we learn to put the focus on our own recovery when we are truly working it (the program), and that although never perfect (as nothing in life really is anyways) we learn to live reasonalbly happy, content lives with the program's help. My suggestion if you haven't gotten to a real time meeting yet, is GO. Go at least six times, and attend different meetings because even face to face meetings all have a different flavor shall we say. If you are going, maybe up your meetings, find a sponsor or try different meetings, and by all means even in al-anon remember we all have days when we just want to gripe, in that case, take what you like and leave the rest. Much love, luck and hugs to you.
Aly
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If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten !
Please, please, could someone tell me a story with a happy ending? I have had such a shite life, and I really believed something good had happened. I can't bear it if it is yet another disaster.
I am still in the process of finding my own "happy ending" and yes I do believe it is possible. The reason I am here is because someone did share their story with me, they showed me it is possible. She was the Voice of Hope when I needed one. Her story is not mine to share with you (perhaps she'll see this post and share it), but do know those stories do exist, you are not alone. Perhaps it would help more to liken this disease to allergies rather than cancer. No, its not "curable", but with abstinence they can learn to live a different way. There is no learning how to handle having "just a few", because their body will react (like an allergy) each time they drink - that is why abstinence is the key. Being involved in a program (like AA) helps them as it helps to remind them of what that "allergy" could do to them. It also helps them learn how to live differently by working the steps.
Whats important now is you. I encourage you to keep coming back and to find local meetings to attend. Without the support and understanding of others like ourselves, we can so easily fall into that helpless, hopeless mode. I can share with you that my coming to this program and really working it has only enriched my life and made it so much better than I could have dreamt possible. My humor was restored, I learned how to maintain calmness, I've found myself having more days of serenity than days of chaos/drama (those are very few now). To be able to laugh and talk and enjoy my time with hubby is just priceless. Please keep coming back! There is Hope!!
In support, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I've always thought postings here by Abbyal are inspirational. See if you can search for what she's written. She's showing me what to hope for -- her own recovery first. I'm trying, and I have isolated instances of recovery. It's worth everything. Hope to see you in chat and here on the board. take care -- Jill
No, it's never hopeless. Not for us or them. My A found his way to sobriety after 19 yrs of marriage. I always hoped, but really thought I'd bury him instead. His wake up call was getting so sick that he had renal failure. The Dr. told him if he wanted to see our son graduate, this would be the end...and it was.
He will be celebrating (and his family too!) 120 days sober on the 12th of this month. WAHOOOOOO!! GO BABY GO!!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
A happy ending ?? In my case I am on a journey, MY RECOVERY not my husbands. He is still active BUT i have realized that I didnt cause it, and for years he blamed ME as the reason he drank.. I also realized that I cant control it, and for years I cried, begged, pleaded, threatened, and bargined that he STOP. Finally, I realized that I cant CURE it, he is the ONLY one who can CURE HIS addiction !!! Sounds like it isnt a happy ending but to me I am on the right TRACK... I am working on ME, allowing him to worry about HIM.. !! It is amazing what happens to YOU when you take the focus off of the alcoholic and turn it to YOU !!
To me I am on my way to a happy ending !!! WHO knows what will happen in my marriage but I know that I WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING !!
Dont get so wrapped up in the happy ending, be HAPPY TODAY.. With YOU not with your A..
Oh, my dear, it is not all hopeless. Yep, it's true, some alcoholics never attain sobriety, and there are those spouses/ partners who choose to stick it out. But there are many, many others who find their lasting sobriety and have a great life. My A goes to his meetings where a friend there has been sober 58 years!!! But still attending regular meetings. This tells me that sobriety must be a life-long commitment. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic whether or not he/she drinks.
Hey! I am happily with my A who is sober. He's the greatest man in the world! It must be true...he tells me so every day!! LOL!! He may drink again or he may not. I don't know. But today we are happy and by the grace of God, we will be happy tomorrow. With an A, it really is, "one day at a time." Take each day for the blessing it is, and hope tomorrow will be the same.
What does the song say? "Don't worry. Be happy."
And I love Abraham Lincoln's way of putting it: "We are all about as happy as we make up our minds to be."
With caring, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:59, 2006-06-03
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I guess I dont have a happy ending to share with you in MY situation and I dont even know of one.
AA the 12 steps and commitment to boundaries, YOU NEED TO SET REAL BOUNDARIES with your A, and faith are the ONLY things that work.
There are different levels of alcoholics too.
I could not "get him sober" so I had to detach and work on MY recovery. You see, when you are with an active A, you also have the disease. You become an addict. You may not drink a drop, but YOU dear are affected by this COMPLETELY consuming disease.
Step ONE....we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable
Thank you, Diva - I just needed to hear a message like that. My A really is the greatest man in the world. Correction.The greatest person in the world. It is not his fault, any more than mine, that he has an illness. He has never blamed me or anyone but himself; he has never been violent or even unpleasant. I only suffer because I see him being so much less than he could be, and so much less than he IS, when he hasn't been drinking alone. When we're on holiday all is well - he can't hide drink or drink alone, and under those circumstances he hardly drinks more than I do (which is very little). And there are sometimes whole weeks when he doesn't drink alone and then. too, all is well. We've just had a bad patch, in that he's started counselling for the drink problem and this is frightening & upsetting & his reaction to that sort of feeling is to disappear into a bottle. I think he'd do better at AA, but he isn't ready to hear that yet. Maybe, if I could find an Al-Anon meeting I could get to, but so far as I can see there isn't one. We shall see.
I do appreciate the other messages, too - but just now I needed to hear a message of hope.
