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I'm a little confused this morning. My AH told his family he filed for divorce. It made me angry that he lied once again and asked why he would do that ... they were bad mouthing me ... saying I had put too much guilt on him over the years, that he deserved to be happy. I laughed because it's true, not badmouthing in my opinion and honestly they got all that information from him over the years so what are they supposed to say?
Now my confusion comes from ... I know that they and he say should not be my business, and I can honestly say I do not want it to be my business. I have thought of things I have heard him say over the years about an exgirlfriend and his Mom and other females in his life, and to know that things like that are being said about me while he is still contacting me and trying to keep the door open HURTS. I have denied myself feeling pain for many years. In following the not my business theory am I supposed to stuff my pain? It does not seem healthy after all the hard work I have done in order to feel again. Is it a fine line of knowing this is happening, feeling the hurt and not doing anything? Is not doing anything minding my own business or being a victim?
Aside from this I am doing well, today I have a massage scheduled HURRAY! I have taken care of serving him papers and filing what I needed to. Next weekend I will be staying at the house to finish projects and start sorting and packing, it will suck but at least I will feel i am doing someting and not sitting stagnant. A couple friends and my brother will be helping plus more family on call depending on how much I get done.
A friend asked if she could intoduce me to a man she thought I would like. I laughed so hard ... for one I filed for divorce less than 2 weeks ago, two I don't really want a divorce, three I am not ready for anything like that but the funniest part is he is a prison guard .... I had this image of dating the guy who eventually locks my AH in jail every night. TWISTED but it did make me laugh and I am aware enough that I am not interested.
I am so sorry that you are suffering. The alcoholics drink and lie, it is what they do. Have you heard the saying "someone else's opinion of me is none of my business?" It is hard to process it when you have all the justifiable anger. Let the anger out so it doesn't corode you inside okay?
I am 10 months into my divorce and it is a long painful process.
I can relate to the friend setting you up and not being ready.
Take your time with your feelings and enjoy your massage.
In support
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Jennifer.... in my experience, lots of those hurts go back and forth during separation and divorce, even outside of alcoholism and addiction circles.... I think all we can do is "honor ourselves", as in - you be accountable to yourself, and behave in a way where you can hold your head high, take responsibility for your own actions, etc..... Ultimately it is our actions that tell the story...
Yes, what others think of us really IS none of our business, but it can also be pretty tough sometimes when we are worrying about all that....
As long as Jennifer is fine with what/how Jennifer is acting, you'll be fine...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It has taken me a while to learn not to let what "unhealthy people say and think about me" affect me, and sometimes I still struggle with it. For me confronting those people would be useless, so my sponsor and other progam members suggested writing about those feelings and like you said, not stuffing those feelings, feelings are not good or bad - that are what the are - feelings. Just because we feel them doesn't mean we have to act on them - feel 'em and let 'em go.
Hugs to you as you go through this tough time,
Look in that mirror and tell yourself, you are a great person, even if no one else thinks so, your HP does,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Jen, So sorry you are going through all this! (((((HUGS))))) Personally, I think it is just him trying to 'save face'. Even non-A's lie to save face ( don't want their dysfunctional (sp?) friends to think poorly of them!)
I think my ex lied every day, he lied so much, he even began to believe his lies, and he wasn't even an A, although he was an ACOA. Both his parents were A's.
I know it hurts, but your real friends know better than to believe him, and we here certainly know better too! Try not to care about what his dysfunctional family and friends think. Instead, try to pity them, they are sick.
I know divorce is soooo painful, especially when the soon-to-be ex is being spiteful! Come here as much as you need to, we are all here for each other, and can sooo relate to what you are going through. Time heals, someday, you will be happy again, and will be able to look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did? My prayers are with you, HP will watch over you, and never gives us more than we can handle! I'm glad you don't want to see anyone else right now, I married my ex while I was on 'rebound' and stayed with him for 23 years because I believed I was such a stupid, rotten person and couldn't live without ' Mr. Wonderful' !! The only thing we had in common was that we both loved him!!
Take care of yourself, and come here to vent as often as you want/need to. I sure wish I had known about this board years ago! The people here are so great, and I find the Alanon slogans etc. help even with non-alonon related things in life.
I remember from some of your other posts that his family are not exactly equally yoked.. Well, in my opinion they bash to make themselves feel better..
I love that you are taking care of yourself now, it feels good doesnt it ?? Attach yourself to those who will encourage, support and cheer you on !! That will get you thru the day... Tell your friends what you need they want to help but in my experience unless they love someone who has an addiction they dont know how.. Just be honest, tell them you need someone to support you, listen, and tell you how WONDERFUL you really ARE.. Continue to focus on what JENNIFER wants, take a trip, get another massage, find YOURSELF... I know that while living on this crazy rollercoaster I lost me somewhere along the ride.
