The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So just to level set anyone who thinks I have this program all down pat.... LOL
Today my AW asked me why I didn't run out and fix her second wedding ring for our aniversery today.
And I told her...
5 years ago when you decided you had had enough of me and were leaving your wedding ring was bent up so you couldn't wear it any more. When you started talking seperation and how you just couldn't stand being around me now that I am so weird all of a sudden your new wedding ring has the large diamond broken out of it.
My first thought is that you did something to it out of anger at me. Until we settle down and become civilized with each other I am not about to go have it fixed and re-propose to you. It sounds very romantic and a point I would like to get to, but I can't see doing that until we get some of the basics ironed out.
She really didn't like the sound of that. <sigh> I am not particularly proud about that being my thought, but it was and she asked. Guess in the process of being brutally honest with myself, I let it carry over into our discussion. Now I feel bad about it of course.
I am working really hard to do things right, but I know I goof like this more often than I would like to admit. I get flustered in these whirlwind conversations with her. Some times it works out ok and some times it doesn't.
Have to try harder going forward.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am confused. Are we not supposed to be honest w/our A's? Are we supposed to say what we think they want to hear just to make them feel better. Lead them on so to speak - as my AH says I am doing if I am staying w/him through his recovery but plan on leaving him regardless of the outcome? Do we do whatever is necessary to keep the peace or when asked how we feel and what we think, actually tell them?
Just thought I would throw that one out there. Don't be hard on yourself for letting go of some frustration that you cannot control. (((rtexas)))
I don't see what is brutal about that, ... unless you were yelling and hovering over her in a threatening way, or were being physically abusive as you said it.
If what you said was done in a straightforward manner, it comes across to me as:
1) AW having to live with the consequences of her behavior -- you did not damage the ring, it sounds like she did;
2) you are not jumping in to "save or fix" something that you did not cause
3) you are setting a boundary for your own emotional health, yet keeping the door open to your love for her: "Until we settle down and become civilized with each other I am not about to go have it fixed and re-propose to you. It sounds very romantic and a point I would like to get to, but I can't see doing that until we get some of the basics ironed out."
In the midst of a whirlwind conversation on a day fraught with emotion, you did the above. Why are you beating yourself up over this? -- other than she wants you to do so?
Hey you remember: Say what you mean, mean what you say (boundaries/consequences) and don't say it meanly. It sounds like you did just that.
I am the poster child of guilt & constantly forgiving myself for being human & having the guilt from loving them more than me. I encourage you to stop guilting myself & I will try too... along with not being so hard on ourselves.
We are learning, growing, it's the journey of the process... the end of the road is death.
I love how in the Chinese language there is no word for problem, in fact the closest they come to a word to express 'problem' is OPPORTUNITY. I try to cling to this & know every difficulty is an opportunity for growth.
What gave me alot of hope last summer when I was here raging (& in chat) was the gentle reminders from all of the loving members, to think of "me" b/c the A's certainly are not & ONLY thinking of themselves, their manipulative tactics to get the next thing for immediate gratification.
Hang in there buddy, doing the "right" thing is difficult but earning back your own self-worth, identity & moral character back is worth the tough breaks. Even in my own slips I learn a lot. Did I say "don't be so hard on yourself?" You deserve some credit for what you've accomplished already, I see you pretty fearlessly facing it head on, kudos.
As far as honesty with the A goes... the 1st thing my therapist said to me was not to throw pearls on swine, meaning everyone doesn't necessarily deserve to know your deep honesty, esp if they throw it back in your face, debase you for your emotions or manipulate you with them. I have chosen to talk less about my feelings to my A's ~ they don't care anyway how I feel ~ they are far too busy denying their own feelings, we sure don't come into consideration as far as they're concerned.
I also think about that love is a verb, an action & friends don't lie to us or betray us. I suppose this is more of a self-pep-talk, boy I need to remember & start applying with concentrated effort these principles by loving myself enough to forgive myself as easily as I do others.
xoxo
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You deserve some credit for what you've accomplished already, I see you pretty fearlessly facing it head on, kudos.