So... it's officially my Aniversery - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

So... it's officially my Aniversery

Ria · Senior Member

Bless her heart for making the effort to get you a card and acknowledging the devastation her disease is causing. (((((To you both))))) I remember all too well my A's self-loathing, guilt and remorse and just how hard it was for me to remain compassionate when I also knew that those feelings would justify the next binge. I can 'feel' your sadness but also the compassion in your post. It is truly a tragic, heartbreaking, soul-destroying situation for everyone involved. At least we have Alanon, a light in the darkness and a promise of hope.

My A used to have his own language of gibberish and nonsense and amazingly I always knew exactly what he was saying! It astounded many when they witnessed our 'communication'. On your special day I hope you will be able to love the woman behind the disease and try to make the most of it together. Personally, pre-Alanon I spent too many anniversaries regretting what wasn't and forgetting to be grateful for and enjoying what was. I'll say a prayer for you both. Keep working it, you're doing so well and it may not be easy but it is worthwhile.

With love in the fellowship,

X Maria X

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RT)))

I think its amazing that just when you wonder if the A feels anything about their disease or their family they do something in their own way to show us they are still with us in some way. I know how difficult it must be for you to watch your wife go through this misery and pain of this disease. I will pray that HP will guide her to safety and sobriety soon. My prayer for you will be to hold on and have peace and joy in the good things you do have. It is hard sometimes to separate the person from the disease, sometimes I get so angry with my A that I feel he's just an evil mean spirited person. I know deep down he is not... his disease controls him, his thoughts, his words, and actions. I don't think he even knows why he does the things he does. Revel in the words I'm sorry, because that was probably her way of saying I love you right now... Hope you have a good time this weekend.

Hugs,

Twinmom~

robyn76 · Member

((((rtexas))))

The one thing I have noticed since coming here is what an encouragement you are to others. Anniversaries can be really difficult to "celebrate" in the midst of all that's going on. But, I really want to encourage you that I have noticed from reading your posts what a wonderful spouse you are...you have been patient, unselfish, and kind even when it was probably the hardest thing to do. We just had our anniversary on May 17, and are separated for the first time in our marriage. We did spend the evening together and it was just fine. I hope if nothing else you can celebrate that God has given you the strength and grace to honor your vows another day. Have a good week! Robyn

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't know if to wish you "Happy Anniversary" or not, but I do wish you many, many days of recovery and that your HP helps heal your pains,

Rita

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( R Tx ))))

I sense your compassion & pain... it truly is difficult (& takes a lot of conscious effort & practise) to detach from the destruction, the pain they inflict on those around them - knowing that half of the time they do it subconsciously & the other half of the time I think they enjoy hurting others. Watching our loved ones suffer, psychologically, physiologically, spiritually ~ well we are what we are... we want to be able to reach them and help them.

For me this has been my true core lesson w/ all of it's up & downs that I can only save myself, I cannot help the disease or the individual other than not feeding into it or enabling. I fell down a bit, getting depressed, lost in my own agony, loss of my family, realizing I am alone in this but this is also empowering. I thank God my mind isn't controlled by another, I can pull myself up & out if I look to HP for strength. Depression, loss of hope, is just as cunning as alcoholism, when you fall prey to it, you don't want to help yourself.

I have to question myself 'why would I want the love & companionship of someone that clearly doesn't want me?'

Being raised in an ACOA environment I have many demons to face & struggle with... makes me fall back into wondering 'If I can love them so desperately why don't I give myself that attention, love & care?' I know logically what I focus on & think about will manifest; only I can think for me, love me, know what is 'right' for me, so why is focusing on myself such a challenge? We only have one life to live, I know only I can do it.

I do think your analogy between alcoholism/addiction & alzheimers is a good one b/c they are lost & suffering, it is progressive & degenterative.

I am extremely sentimental & anniversaries, dates always give me cause to think deeply about those relationships & introspection as to what role I am playing in it all and why, what is my payoff to abandonning myself & looking to these other ppl.

I have missed you & staying off of the site has been hard, losing my support and I can't do it alone, none of us can, we need each other b/c we understand. And I have caught myself talking to friends (again) and I KNOW this is inappropriate behavior.

I was able to walk away from my husband but forgiving him took longer than my time spent with him. Six years later, I still think about it all... how much suffering do I have to tolerate to determine I deserve more & will stand up for myself & take it? I can't divorce my family & I realize logically I'm nearly 40, when am I going to "cleave" to myself & allow the comments to roll of my back & not cut me to ribbons or dictate my behaviors?

Reacting, doesn't help me. I appreciate your post, I know how hard it is. I am also here to concur that your support of others is wonderfully appreciated. I am writing to reflect that, to remind you to 'champion' yourself, as we all need to do & struggle with walking that line... of loving them or ourselves; doing what is best for us or being manipulated by them.

I pray for God's Will to be done for us all.

I used to pray 'for the fire' thinking I would go through it maybe more intensely but faster. Well I may be in the kiln but it doesn't seem like it has been fast.

Recently I saw on tv (some program I can't even remeber which) an individual was asked what they thought hell was, they replied "a lack of love" ~ good answer I thought & it gave me hope b/c I know I don't have to suffer & (a good friend reminded me recently) "Love comes from inside of you."

God help us all & give us the strength to become the human beings You want us to be & carry out Your will.

Lovingly, -K o L

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