The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am wrestling with a new concept throughout my recovery process. It is LOVE. I have made it through the steps with a loving, wonderful sponsor who has 25 years in the program. The happiness, peace and serenity that I have found from doing the work is remarkable. I am so grateful to Al-Anon for the gifts I have been given that I am paying it forward to my home group by chairing meetings, sponsoring new comers, attending at least 5 meetings a week, and being the best example of the big book I can be. I am tying myself to this program because I live with active Alcoholism and my every day existence can be pretty dynamic. I need all the help, love, and support that I can get. In the last few weeks, I have discovered that giving my love to my alcoholic is not a safe thing for me to do at this point. Sure, I say "I love you" and "how is your day" and mean it, but, beyond that, I am bankrupt in the love department. The drinking, the stress he brings home as well as being ignored on a daily basis has me tanked. I have surrendered so many times that I am beginning to be resentful that I am surrendering. Perhaps I feel like a door mat, I don't know. I still feel like I am fighting with my "old self", and letting go over and over, is still hard to do. I am trying to see him with God's compassion, yet I want to react, but instead, I pause and surrender. I feel alone and neglected. I struggle with this. My safest bet at this point is to cultivate my overflow of time and love to my home group rather than my spouse. I don't know if that is the best thing to do, but I feel like it is the next "right" thing to do to protect me and keep me from losing so much progress in my program. If someone can relate, please sound off. Thank You!
My AH doesn't live with me anymore and doesn't drink. But I cannot buy his attention. I have to ask for everything I get including hugs, phone calls, attention, etc. He just isn't there. He daydreams, futurizes, and basically keeps a wall up all the time. They are emotional cripples.
But look at the progress you are making. Awesome. Going to meetings and working the program. I need to do that more. At an open AA meeting they told me that it was about love. I was told that I am a love addict and when I say I love you it really isn't about love at all. But in Alanon we off each other love and support.
I am still living with my A, he has been sober for a week and half right now. I am still reeling from the emotions and the last dramatic crisis he put me through. I have had those same feelings recently, such as why am I living a life with a person who is unable to emotionally give back? I don't want to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life wondering who he's seeing, scared if he begins drinking again, he'll lose his conscience and go off the deep end again. I'm tired of wanting more from him and not getting it. I've communicated how I feel, but he is unable to give that back right now. I go from day to day unsure about anything in our life together, except myself, my job, my kids, my home, and my extended family. I don't really know what's real with he and I anymore. I'm focusing on what I know is real, who I am, the life I want. I'm focusing on program and getting healthier for me and my kids. These things are the only things I feel secure about. I'm not ready to leave my A, I stay in prayer over these troubling things, some days I just don't want to deal with it... Sounds to me like you are putting yourself in a place that you feel safe, secure, and good about. If this keeps you grounded and happy, then I say submerge into it... nothing you can do for your spouse except turn him over to HP. Take care
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I find this an interesting topic which brings me to more questions and makes me realize that I actually have alot to learn. Since I have not been to any meetings yet I also don't know the culture of alanon. My ABF (I still have a hard time labeling him as an alcoholic - I've also placed the label "alcohol abuser") also is distant much of the time. We now live together since we had a baby together . . . but before I got pregnant he asked me to marry him but hasn't mentioned it since . . . usually doesn't sleep in the same bed (always an excuse) - although, after a recent argument he started sleeping in my bed - for a week now . . . but he can go very long periods without wanting to be "intimate" - which is very hard for me to understand. When we first met I saw him as this "silent cowboy type" but now I see that he is just emotionally distant. Am I safe to say that this is typical alcoholic behavior?
In response to the intimacy or lack thereof really, I can only speak from my experience with the disease. Since marrying an alcoholic who is active, one of the first things that went as he drank more was our sex life. So did lovely comments, such as you look nice today or you mean the world to me, or I love you. Then came the criticism, the sarcasm, and in my case the jealousy in helping others make their way through the program. I have been with this person for 10 years and the only thing that has changed in this entire relationship was focusing on myself and working the steps. One thing is true though, that alcoholics are selfish and self centered people. These are common character defects in this disease. Despite this, I was able to get help for myself through alanon. I found peace and serenity and regained my power through working the steps. It is from working the steps that helped me realize there is a lesson in all of this for me to learn from the absence of physical and emotional intimacy. I have yet to understand the message, but I believe strongly that God has perfect timing for me and my alcoholic.
Thank you very much for your reply. I liked what you said, that you are focusing on what you know is real, who you are, and the life you want. That puts things in CLEAR perspective. Thank You again. Your kind words were greatly appreciated.
This is a very interesting thread to me as I too have recently re-examined my feelings about this issue.
I have been married to my severely alcoholic husband for almost thirteen years now.
I realized soon after we married that he had the upper hand emotionally since he could take me or leave me, but I loved him.
The "emotional cripple" label is very appropriate.
You may laugh, but I go about things very scientifically. I actually researched the science of "falling in love", the biochemical response and addictive aspects. I researched it so I could try and reverse it.
Well...it WORKED up to a point! I began to love him with a more normal love, not the "you are the love of my life and I never want to be with anyone else" kind of love I used to have for him. What a relief!
Slowly even that has diminished.
He is a very good looking man. A body builder/athlete/martial arts expert. And he is tall too, LOL.
But, just last week I began to notice that his muscles were shrinking. EEEECK!!! I asked him today if he had stopped lifting weights. He admitted that he had.
I was surprised at my reaction...I was apalled and deeply deeply disappointed. Was I really that shallow?
I thought about it a lot and realized that NO I am not shallow...I just merely learned to settle for the crumbs he threw me. I would rationalize "well, at least he is really good looking!" when he was treating me like a pile of garbage...SIGH.
Ok...so now even those crumbs are disappearing...so now what?
Do I really "love" him?....once he shrinks the rest of the way down to normal size...well....what will I rationalize with then?
When we were separated two years ago I ran into a old boyfriend from high school. He gave me a huge bear hug (he hugged me so hard my back cracked, LOL). As I hugged him and felt his warm arms around me I thought about how comfortable it was to hug someone who gave you REAL hugs!
Hugging my husband feels like hugging a tree! Really, a cold, hard, stiff tree. He is really tall, so I can only hug his waist...he never bends his knees or leans down so I can give him a "real" hug. He stays stiff as a tree and no cushy soft parts on him anywhere. Every part of his body is stiff and hard and cold. Part of that is due to his cold personality of course.
But, once again I rationalized, that at least he LOOKED good, even if he did not feel good. SIGH!
Feeling that hug from my old boyfriend haunts me now...what would it be like to be with someone warm and loving who gives REAL HUGS?
But I try not to think about that too much...
Now my husband will stay hard, stiff, and cold and become bony too, SIGH, as without the "cushion" of his huge muscles his very large bones will be closer to the surface and he will be even more uncomfortable to be close to. He has not an ounce of comfy fat anywhere on him, and believe me I have looked! Without clothes on he looks EXACTLY like a Ken doll, but anotomically correct, LOL. He feels like a Ken doll too...hard, cold, and emotionless, but good looking, SIGH.
HMMMM, does not sound like "love' to me...
I know I used to love him, but he has killed most of that. And he does not care much and I don't either really. I am just planning...scheming...hoping...to find a way out.
I am tired of living with a walking, talking, "Ken doll" who tells me I am stupid and I better shut-up nearly everytime he opens his mouth...like there is a string on the back of his neck and that is all he can say...
