The material presented
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Totally!! I have often said that I must be the loneliest married woman ever. My AH has always chosen his friends over me & the kids. I have gotten used to it over the last 13 years so that I have become numb to him being gone.....filling up all of my spare time w/the kids and not worry about him. At least I get to read lots of interesting books. LOL
I definitely feel this way. I get lonely not as often as I used to. I have my good days and bad days. I try to fill our time up with fun things and activities to keep my mind off it. The hardest part is when the kids and I go out to do something and he chooses a friend or himself and does not want to engage with us. I have felt second rate in his life for most of our relationship. I've expressed that feeling to him as well. He doesn't get it...
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I sure can relate. before I left my A husband we spent very little time together. I practiced the alanon detachment thingy. I would work from 7am to 8pm, then walk home and make dinner. On the weekends I spent in the library all day if the weather was bad and in the park all day if the weather was good. I slept in a locked closet so I could get a nights sleep after downing 4 sleeping pills. Serenity now!
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Problem is I spent alot of the time when my husband didnt want to be with us with our son. Now that he's a teen he doesnt want to always be with his mother. (I feel blessed that he hung out with me this long!) Im finding it difficult to fill my time.
Yes, you reminded me of something here that I've been forgetting! That I can be thankful I am not in that situation anymore! I think there is nothing lonelier than being inside a marriage that has serious problems with alcoholism and codependency! I used to hear it said, in various women's circles, that it's better to be truly alone than being in something with the wrong person! That's a bit simplistic, of course--it really isn't that simple for those of us recovering from a lifetime of difficult addiction and self-esteem issues!
There's a world of difference between being alone and being lonely, of course. These days, with some years of recovery, I love having time alone to care for myself, and strengthen the new behaviors and thinking, before I go out there and test them in the world.
Loneliness, on the other hand, can be very painful. I had a bout with that recently, and couldn't for the life of me think why. Then I started remembering former years when my kids were young, and the things we did in an attempt to celebrate the holidays, summer outings and so on, and how excruciatingly lonely I felt at those times because my A husband either wanted to work or get drunk. He wasn't comfortable with family stuff. And in all truth, I wasn't either, so I became very resentful.
The loneliness I felt just recently seemed to have a message in it for me--and that was, that I was drifting off my own true base, and getting into past stuff or future worries. In other words, I was losing sight of myself! That's why it's so painful! Getting back into the present, and taking care of myself here and now, seems to be the key. But I had to feel the feelings first--and I'm glad I didn't do my usual running away and avoidance stuff. I just sat there and let it tell me something.
Maybe I will never, as a human being, be completely free of those times of loneliness. It's a profoundly spiritual thing, I'm guessing--and showing me how much I need to be aware of a higher power. That I can't afford to neglect that relationship!
Well Barbara I would ask u to think back a few months when he was still drinking , there was no time at all that was constructive. So many of us resent the time spent in AA meetings which is why i think its so important for us to focus on our own recovery in Al-Anon meetings. You must admit before a meeting it is nice to look across the table at a sober happier man than a drunk who could do nothing but criticize or after the meeting to maybe share a cup of coffee with him when he comes home sober. and my fav part was to go to bed with a man that smelt of soap and toothpaste instead of stale beer.
I don't mean this to sound harsh but sober is better than drunk anyday !!!! He will calm down after awhile and not need so many meetings , for him it is life and death and they are keeping him sober. We cant' keep them sober but we can get off thier backs and out of thier face and let them recover the way they see fit . good luck hon Louise
I to used to feel that way. I, however, learned through this program that that may not be a bad thing. As you know I dont see my husband much due to his work and in the past because of his disease. I have found that if we are together to much we fight constantly. We enjoy the space apart - it makes us appreciate each other more when we are together.
When my husband was active I used to worry about the time spent lost and apart as a result of the disease. I turned it around though and found things that I enjoy doing for and with myself. It wasnt easy at first. I often felt guilty. I also missed my husband and his attentions. However, I learned that I didn't need them to make me a whole person. It was nice to have them but only when he was sober. Learning how to live my life for me has been sometimes lonely, scary but all the same exciting. I love my husband but accept he isnt perfect and I am happy to have time with him when I can get it - in the meantime I take care of me.
Keep up the recovery - you are worth it.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
That's where the slogan "when I got busy I got better" came from. Lonliness, like so many other sad feelings can be arrested by "getting busy". Finding new things to do, changing your world and reality can be a real boost to your recovery. I had a lightbulb moment while I was sitting here lonely. It's a choice. I got off my butt and cut a new path in the world. I did things I'd never done, gone places I'd never been. I'm not talking extensive traveling, I mean parks I'd never been to. Dinner with a new alanon friend, hockey games with a friend...just all kinds of stuff to keep me busy. It didn't give me the relationship that I wanted with my A, but I sure wasn't sitting home wanting something that didn't exist anymore either. I learned to have fun! You can too.
Keep trudgin up that mountain!! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
That is an interesting question. I don't think anyone can directly answer it, but here are some suggestions. Read the Life Styles type of section in your local newspaper. The section where it talkes about every little event going on in your area. It is supprising what might catch your eye. Maybe a movie night with friends or something like that.
It's amazing how hard it is to figure out what I like to do for fun. I can occupy my time with no problem.... but fun? Not sure I know yet, but I'm looking! *g*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
For me I was lonlier with him when he was drinking, than without him. That was the first sign to me that I was loosing myself in his disease. Now that he has been gone 2 weeks, I like coming home to the serenity. I may miss sober hubby. But I don't miss active hubby and the chaos that was in my life. I haven't felt this relaxed in weeks. Is he sober? No clue. But I have to do what I have to do to take care of me.
I have learned the difference between "being lonely" and "being alone." By nature I like my solitude at the end of the day because I work retail, and I'm always dealing with the public. But that doesn't mean I've cut myself off from friends. I do stay busy whether it's by myself or being with friends.
If I were you and I were feeling this isolated (believe me I have) I might check into doing some kind of volunteer work. It always feels good to give back. There are all sorts of ways you can refocus your mind when the lonliness hits. I do crossword puzzles and even take them with me to the park. Detaching for us is a huge lesson in our recovery. It's hard to master. But once we do, it's very empowering and freeing. Remember being good to yourself is the key. Even doing the smallest things you think aren't important to you, are. Baby steps my friend.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
