I was just reading Monday daily readings. Sorry I do not know which book at this moment. It basically said what I have been saying just before I found alanon.

If our lives are truely planned before we got here, then the only thing we had choice in is to accept it and live happily. Or fight it ever step of the way miserably.

 Ok today started out pretty much ok. I went to work from 2 to 8pm. My A said she needed the truck to go get dog food in town. I filled the tank with gas on Monday the day before. It is 15 miles one way to work. We drove around some helpng a neighbor look for a runaway horse. So she goes to town & goes home & waits for me to get off work or so I thought.

8 pm rolls around no ride. I waited about 15 to 30 min , I was getting pissed. I did not want to sit there at my job and complain. I wanted to go home. I started walking. I was dressed for our 94 degrees hot & sunny day. I had on those half sneaker shoes not something to walk in. I got a couple of miles. I am wondering what is gods will here? I did find some small magnolia trees I can go back and get later. I started cussing her out with each vechile that passed. One turned around & stopped to pick me up. My A is in the back seat with one of our dogs & a gas can empty. I did not say a word. I was civil.

We got dropped off at our truck. She asked if I had any money. I gave her $120 in cash to go get the dog food & whatever else we needed. She never once thought about the gas. filling up the tank in town.? Does she have a brain in there? I should not be the only one who fills the tank. Our gas gauge & odometer do not work. so we have to guesstimate with mileage. 

She left that money I gave her in the am at home. I only had a $100 bill. The gas stations here close early. She started walking. I was thinking she should have been back in short time. One hour passes. I start to panic. I started crying hystrically begging god to send help. I was thinking they could not cash a hundred dollar bill or  someone took her money and left her somewhere. I was praying a police officer or someone would stop. It got dark. I started doing other stuff in the truck waiting.   I found a bunch of change I counted it out. I tried to sleep I have to be at work at 8 am. I can not sleep.

I saw someone park a big truck nearby. They got into their truck to leave. I stopped them. I said it had been an hour & a half since she left. It was less than 2 miles away. He said he had passed her. she was running to get back.   He went down and picked her up. She said she walk both ways with no ride. She did not think the 2 gallons would get us home & too sleep there.

I said I would drive home & get up early to get gas before work. I have a major migraine now. I asked her when she put the reserve 2 gallon in ? She would not answer me. When she got back, We were riding home. She was like what it with the attitude? Are you getting on to me? I said when was I getting on to you the last time. she said it sounds like you are & to just shut up.

We finally got home. She is passing out in the recliner. I see she has not feed the outdoor dogs like she said she would. I was putting up the cash ( money is to fix my truck) & I saw a receipt for a bottle of wine. She did not have the brain cells to buy gas but don't forget the booze.

She has been telling everyone she has stopped drinking. Several have told me they suspect she is still drinking. She was going to get her doctor to write a script for anabuse. but changed her mind cuz she is ok. She has been changing brands to help. whatever excuse she can think  of.

I am thinking how is this been gods will? What consequenses has she been experiencing? Why did I have to go thru this? I am so pissed off. How is this not a punishment to me? What did I do wrong? I can not tell her how I know she doesn't want to hear it.

I am up it is almost 1am I have to be at work in the am at 8. I am going to have to leave before 7 am. My head & stomach are messed up. *&#@^ I hate her. She does not get it.