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Can anyone give me some input on how they established for themselves healthy boundaries? I am contemplating taking my AH back, and I feel like I am able to live in this marriage and be happy, but I feel like I am taking myself in a direction that will only allow my AH to step all over me. He is famous for pushing the limits, and without any, he is just pushing...ya know?
I just feel like I will be run right over if I do not decide on what my boundaries are, and will not take AH back until I have some sort of line drawn in the sand. I am not looking for advice, but some stories from you all that reflect your experiences in this area. I am finding it hard to see the line between trying to control, and setting these healthy boundaries for myself and my sanity..
I will be watching your responses.. I have tried this and find myself sucked back in more often that I would like.
I left my husband more than once in the last year and each time returned to boundries that collapsed, and promises that were broken..Boundries are hard for both the active a and me.. They are good at pushing the boundries and we are good at allowing it to happen.. I am just a baby in alanon but I say directionally correct, working the program the best I can.
They are great manipulators just keep focused on your program.. Stay connected to your friends and you will be okay..
I read everything I could/can on boundaries. Books, online articles, tapes/CDs, some of the postings here, if you look by subject, have some good info too -- and conference approved literature. I chose sources who write only on Boundaries, and some that combined the topic with other topics that fit my circumstances. Different people learn differently; for me, I found reading lots of different things from different people helped me see what felt like it would work for me in different situations. And I've raised the subject as a topic at al anon mtgs, f2f and online, and gotten more "wisdom" there also -- sometimes general and sometimes I was more specific re the kind of boundary setting I wanted ESH on.. And I'll also share, since in my experience A's in my life have behavior sometimes that is similar to teenagers (or younger), that with my teenagers, I got help with setting boundaries and determining effective consequences that I knew I would be able to carry out, i.e., the "line in the sand" from child psychologists. Saying it was one thing, repeating it rather than following through with consequences voided anything I'd said and caused me to dig my own hole ... ever deeper. And the results have not always been immediate for me, and I had to be ready for that. SO I have had to be prepared for the fact that long term change often takes time and isn't easy. But when it works, and as I get better at setting boundaries, it is truly amazing how it simplifies life and helps me be present in the present.
That's the ESH I have to offer. Take what you like and leave the rest, as always. You have given yourself quite a challenge, -- I am impressed that you know that setting boundaries is a big part of your challenge. I sometimes have trouble seeing tht when I'm in the middle of it. It sounds like you are going to be living in a "classroom of boundaries" and so no doubt learning from mistakes will be part of the curriculum.
Take care, and remember that al anon tells us to keep the focus on us, including being kind to ourselves, in general, and as we learn the al anon tools throughout our recovery -- many ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) coming your way.
boundries are for me.when i think of it that way then i can set them without fear of me being controlling. i figure out what i can deal with, what i will not deal with. then i can put a boundry up for my well being. i try not to have any expectations as to the out come of my a's reaction to my boundry. then i am not angry when he trys to ignore it or walk all over it or tell me how and why it is stupid or uncaring. boundries as they say are flexiable. and since they are mine and for me i can change them when i need to.this is what i have learned here and i try to pratice this. some days are better than others! situations change so can my boundries. you obviously have alot of courage,strength and love. god bless!
jen, i certainly am no expert on this, but i am happy to share my experiences. i thought long and hard about what i needed to stay in a marrage living in the same home together raising our children. i wrote them down and shared them. and i was prepared to follow thru. they were things like, my ah could not have an intimate relationship with anyone else, he could not get angry then pack and leave, he could not justifiy his using as ok or not so bad to the kids, he could not drive the kids while under the influence even if he didn't have so much, ... he agreed and added a few of his own, we would go to counsiling, i would try to be kind, ... but then he got drunk, angry and left again and now he lives apart from us. i still go to counsiling with him, but he can not live in our home unless he can live within the boundries. i don't regret the boundries as i am a better person/mother with the peace in the house. hopefully someday we will be ready to try again. i hope this helps, i wish you the best of luck. -quest
I had set a boundry with hubby when he came home the last time. I was adamant about him working his program, finding a sponsor, and not drinking. Well he almost did those things. But after 10 weeks, I decided enough was enough. I asked him to leave.
I am peace with my new boundries. I have told him that if he hopes for reconcilliation, he must have at least 90 days sobriety. When he comes over he must be sober. He can only come over when I am here (no problem there as I have taken back his house keys). I made sure that the car is in his name, as I don't drive. He is responsible for his insurance, medications, etc. Another words, he has to learn how to stand on his own two feet. He will either beat the addiction or the addiction will beat him. I hope it is the former.
The other boundry I have set for myself, is that I will work my program harder than ever. I have to. It's what has given me the strength and courage to do what I must to take my life back. That is the most important boundry of all.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Boundaries can be very confusing. I have learned that I often confuse boundaries with expectations. Boundaries have actions that I can take as a consequence to my ah's actions that protect me, not punish him. Expectations are behaviors I would like for him to have.
For example, a few months ago I told my AH that he has to go to meetings and work his program. I thought I was setting a boundary, but it was actually an expectation. It was my hope and desire that he would work his program, but I can't make him do it simply by saying it is a boundary, and there is no action I can take to protect myself when he doesn't comply (except separation, which I am not ready for).
On the other hand, I have told him that one of my boundaries is that I will not sleep in the same room with him if he has been drinking because he snores and takes all of the covers. The consequence of his drinking is sleeping alone, but the action I take protect me and allows me to get a good night sleep.
Expectations are dangerous things. They are a direct route do disappointment, anger and resentment. I have learned to have no expecations of my ah. I have fewer negative feelings and when he does something positive it makes me happy.
There are quite a few good books on setting boundaries, (one of which is actually titled "Boundaries"), and you should be able to find some info in your local drug and alcohol awareness centers, or the addiction section of your local library...
I think there are TWO keys for setting successful boundaries:
1. The boundaries have to be "for you" - for your safety, sanity, whatever, and NOT just a half-hearted attempt at fully contradicting step one, and trying to control others.... As an example, having a "boundary" for an A of "NO DRINKING" is hardly realistic, cuz that is what A's do...... However, setting a boundary of "Zero tolerance for drinking in my house, at any time" is clearly something that is definable, and a boundary that is fair and for you....
2. Like all interactions with A's, we must "say what we mean and mean what we say". If we set a boundary, and they clearly step over it, we must be prepared to hold them accountable for the consequences of their behaviors. Ideally, and quite often very 'doable' when setting them, the consequences of their failure to adhere to the boundaries can be set when you are setting them up.... For example, your A wants to come home now, and it is fair and reasonable, using the above example, to have the zero tolerance boundary for the house, and clearly understood that if he does drink, or there are empties found in the house, he would have to immediately find other accommodations.
Just a couple of thoughts... hope it helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
