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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you know my marriage to my A is over.We will separate as soon as the house is sold.Hub is sober,not a drink in 16 years, but has been dry drunk for several years.
He is looking for my replacement...apparently has been for some time.He is going to live in a used motor home and travel after we split and is looking for a companion.The online girlfriend he drove to another state to see just wants to be friends.She won't travel with him, wants to get to know him better first.But he acts like he has a biological clock or something,is anxious to find somebody now.(well he IS 63 so I guess there is some sort of clock ticking,hehe)He has driven another woman to AA meetings.He has told me that she is lazy,does not work,takes handouts from every body,and he can only guess what she does to get the money she does have.He has given her money..5.00 that I know of.Not much,but still....He said she would travel with him,she told him so,but he thinks she is too boring.
Before he met the online girlfriend in person, I had set a boundary.I told him to keep his 'affair' (cuz that is how I see it) private.I did not want to discuss her or hear about her.He honored that.I want to set another boundary here but I do not know how I would enforce it.I don't want him persuing all these women until we are separated.But the way he sees it, we are finished so he's free to find someone else.I think it is disrespectful to me and the 36 year marriage we HAD.He thinks we are just friends now, so what's the problem?I have made it very clear that I do not want him to bring any women to my house.I don't think he would,but then again, I work 40+ hours and he is retired.
Yikes, you are stronger than you know.. !! You should really pat yourself on the back... Is it possible he is doing this to make you jealous ? I think that men need companionship where women dont jump from one relationship to another.. ( at least in my experience ) .. !! I am not sure how i would feel just read your post and want to pat you on the back.. Give yourself some credit, you are stronger than you recognize or are giving yourself credit.. :clap
As far as boundries, i dont think that it is unreasonable to ask that he not bring other women in your home.. May i suggest offering him a full tank of gas and encourage him to get a jump start on his journey..?? :)
Follow your heart. you know what you can and will tolerate. you and you alone knows your pain best. All you can do is be true to yourself. Best eSH I can offer.
Hugs
Aly
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If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten !
Sounds like you are on the right track. I don't blame you for not wanting to hear about his "affair". What would be the point of discussing it with you anyway?
You are an incredibly strong woman. The only thing I can tell you about setting a boundry, is that when I did that recently with my hubby, I was very at peace with it. I just did it. I have no regrets and I know in my heart is was the right thing to do. It was a way of taking back my life. You're doing just fine.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You have a lot of support coming from me. Same situation: 32 years of marriage, 20 years of sobriety, 59 years old, and moved out. He says I am giving into my addictions. I have always accused him of emotional infidelity. He says we are married in name only and I can do what I want with whomever I want. Maybe it is an alcoholic mid-life crisis.
My ESH is this. I have to work very hard at boundaries. A's are so clever and moving all the time so it is hard to know what you are boundarying. I try to have a choice even in the most insignificant decisions. With the women I know he is yanking my chain and I just give into this. A good book that I read (not CAL) is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It helps with boundaries and how we kind of set ourselves up to be hammered.
You and I deserve better than this after a long marriage. And it is looking like the only way to be treated better by our A's is to start treating ourselves better. We are stronger than we think and that is probably why they do this to us. We need to focus on our own program and our own recovery.
Well my first thought was, I don't want to hear it. meaning what makes ya listen to his bs?
I would make my own space and shut the door. When my A talks about HIS disease I say, hey that is your thing, I have no interest. That stops that.
Nope we cannot control anyone else. We can only change how we are or do what we have to, to make us feel comfy. Apparently he does not respect anything that you do.
So we can only change ourselves.
to him marriage over, I am moving on NOW. Not something I feel is real pleasant. Hey he has the motor home. Why doesn't he just go park it somewhere else? I mean what about him NOT coming into the house?
I am so sad you are going thru this. What are you doing for you? Do you have friends, interests? If we get into our own passions, it is easier to heal from the bs asim hands us.
sending you hugs and love, hey get him a space somewhere, hand him the number and say bye...oops advice again. dang I mean if it were me I would....
Thanks everyone for the support.I really appreciate it.
(((Debilyn))) I love you, I love reading your posts and your replies.You have good common sense.I do have a space.My own bedroom with my own computer.I come in here often when I need to get away from him.He is retired so always around.If I didn't have my room I would go nuts.Also, he doesn't have a motor home yet.He plans to buy a used one after we sell the house.That is how he wants to live.If he had one now, you bet I'd be telling him to go live in it!
I have got to make some changes so I can deal with the remaining time until the house is sold.I am still covering when he overdraws a checking account or runs a credit card over limit.It's not just my money,I pay the bills from both our incomes.But when he does things like this it's NOT just he that suffers.When there is less money, I suffer too.I can't get my hair done or buy clothes I need or even just a meal out in a restaurant.My brother told me to put money aside for myself and I thought that was dishonest.Maybe he's right.That would be taking care of me,wouldn't it? Maybe it's time to split the bills and let him pay his and I'll pay mine.All these years I took care of everything.He has had a free ride,no problems,just go to work and come home and play with his toys and sleep.How did I ever convince myself that was love?
Sorry to go on, got carried away with my thoughts. love you (((family))) d
