The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This will be a long share. I come back to mip a changed person. Some of you know my story some dont, for those of your that dont i was raised in a violent acoholic home abused on a regular basis. I am so confused and for the first time in my life, not in complete panic mode. Which is usually how i handled things in the past. Omg OMG OMG till the situation passed and then breathe if was positive or go onto a new panic if it didnt.
My parents were both alcoholics and i find it hard to come to terms with things although i know i have done alot of work to get to where i am now. I always wondered why i wasnt saved as a child. I feel stupid this year. I lived in an apartment complex growing up with 80 other apartments. I am back in this building after years. I came here so my mom could babysit and it would be easy for her, and i could go to work finally. Hp had other plans. Since ive been here my mother passed away last year and i cared for her at home. My sister was saved as a teen by a man in this building who she basically adopted as her father. I always wondered why she was and not me. I thought that no one in the building could hear the abuse my parents yelling beating me, because no one ever said anything just gave me strange looks. Even friends i had here didnt say anything. I know it seems wierd that i thought no one could hear i truly did.
There are things that i havent ever shared and i do share alot of my life and abuse. There is alot of things i can not share to anyone ,places i have never ever went to in my head. Things that no one knows except me, things i have done (not so good) really dangerous situations as a teen im suprised im alive today. These are the things i dont share for fear of being judged. EVen though i am open about what i lived im not so open when it comes to inside me. My parents were nicer to my sister. I was a very rebelious teen and talked back in a bad way to my parents always. Used to provoke them often. I quit school when i was 16, i told my parents if they didnt let me quit i would skip every single day and nothing they could do to punish me would make me stop. I never cared about punishements in school if i had detention i didnt care. AT home either sent to room i would just sleep. So it was really hard to dicipline me cause it didnt bug me at all. Take something away from me ? didnt really have anything to take and my parents hated it if i didnt go out cause it meant they would have to deal with me while they were trying so hard to get smashed. I certainly never let them get drunk without them knowing it if i was home. My parents kicked me out at 20 because they said i was the cause of thier fights and when i wasnt there it was peaceful. OK! I always forced myself on my mother though i didnt leave her side i did move out however i moved in this building on the fourth floor beside my grandmother. Who would do that?? My mom always got annoyed by me i didnt care i was going to visit her or come downstairs whenever i wanted whether she liked it or not. She always expected me to do things though care for grandmother. or do something she couldnt do.
My parents when my sister graduated gave her the works a dress limo, when she graduated from college they gave her a party a gift. I quit school as stated before at 16, but i took care of my grandmother while my mother was to drunk to do it. I did all i could to make sure my grandmother never found out what my parents were doing to me to keep her from it. I thought i did. I went back to school when i was 21 and graduated i did 4years in one. There was a graduation ceremony that i didnt go to. Because i was to ashamed my parents didnt want to come because they said adult ed didnt count was no big deal and i didnt want to go up there to recieve diploma alone while everyone else had thier family there, so i didnt go.
My wedding night i wanted it to be traditional and even though i was living with my ex at the time i went to my parents so i could leave for the wedding there. That night before my parents got smashed and my mother screamed at me all night long saying i shouldnt be marrying him and what a B&*&h i was. She was screaming that she couldnt get me a gift but wrote a poem. While she got more drunk she told my father to come get me and i spent that night holding the bedroom door closed till 5 am till my mom passed out. My sisters wedding 3 years later she left from there and my parents gave her a 250 check and gave her a peaceful memory filled night. Which i resented.
If i think really hard, and if you ask my sister she will say my parents were not alcoholics. I have to think hard about this and realize they did hide it more with her than me she was alot more controlling and my parents depended on her for money often. So they were more careful with her. I had to pay room and board and she didnt. They drank it away so i cut it down and said i am not paying you anymore and to this day my father still tells me that, i cut it down and had no right. My sister was molested when we were 8. we are twins me and my sister. I got blamed for that also because there were two ways to come home from school one was more dangerous than the other and we were not allowed to go the more dangerous route and my mother always said make sure you come home together. My sister and i had a fight that day and she chose to go the other way and i let her go alone and went the right way. a man offered her magazines for my mom and she followed him into a building. I got yelled at and in trouble for my sister that day i got in trouble for listening to my parents. I got blamed for alot i realize now. This share isnt in order its my thoughts that come.
I always somehow knew i wasnt as bad as friends, parents, adults, thought. I used to wear black alot as a teen and have the miss tough thing attitude however i didnt really know what i was doing i was faking it. Alot of other kids parents would tell their kids not to hang with me i was a bad influence i was probably the safest person to be around back then i didnt do anything wrong yet!. I became it though. I realize now that i have lived my whole life alone, there are things that no one in my family or friends or you know. Ive never kept a friend for longer than a year i always had a new one though when i stopped with one.
I moved from hell in my home to hell with my ex and my exes was married to hsi mother and she was law. She planned my whole wedding with no choice. I dont know why i stayed i didnt really love him and i knew it. Someone i loved alot left to move 3000 miles away and then my ex came. My ex helped me leave my house. I didnt think anyone would love me so i settled for my ex knowing i was doing that, I have always live my life stuck in the past with memories whirling over and over memories like this share. Why me? I should of, or they should of ,i could of ,or they could of,. Why doesnt anyone love me? why do ppl look at me strangely.? Why do people back off in my presence why why why why! I am more alone this year than i ever have been without my mother she dyed in april of cancer because she chose not to see a doctor and when she did cancer was already spread.
Hp took my computer away alone but not really. My sponser and i kept in touch and she was amazing and is. Someone from this building who came back into my life after knocking on my door while i was yelling at my kids and said i can hear you kerry and i can help. Alone but not so alone, but then yes alone still. Because I have been working on my past and memories have been coming and my worst fears are coming through. I am in a court battle that i started and me going into panic mode my sponser wasnt always available and niether was my neighbor so i had no choice but to get through it for the first time in my life. and hp surely did test me often in my absence. Sometimes i had to get through it alone and i did for the first time in my life.
Its not so important anymore the why questions. I was an alateen sponser when i first entered allanon i opened alateen in my area. I didnt have many kids just one little faithful child for two years we were open. We were the only alateen in montreal and she began speaking at alanon anniversarys was amazing to see her. I also helped here in the teen room. I feel strange. My worst nightmares are coming true since my mom died and it seems to be one after another. I always was terrified to have my mother go before my dad and i would always pray to not be left alone with my dad without my mom and here we are. Cause me and my father have no relationship and niether do me and my sister. I was always terrified to go to court even though i knew my kids were being abused emotionally by my exes side. I did it though. I was always terrified to have my kids share thier experience with me being thier mother. A very angry mother who couldnt stop yelling at them. I put them in counceling and they started two weeks ago.
I thought they would share all about the exes side and what they did because exes are mean. I say sorry and explain my anger. Kids tell me all the time how much exes side does constantly. That wasnt the case, daughter came home and told me, she told the lady (councelor) about how much i yell. I came close to panicing and yellilng then she said to me was i allowed to tell her mommy???? and i remembered my childhood where my mother always told me never to tell and she used to tell me that things didnt really happen and i felt nuts because i used to see. So i told my daughter instead of panicing i said yes you are allowed to say that because i do yell. I wasnt saved as a kid. I was in depression for the first 5 years of my childrens lives and my mother was there for them, her death is a huge loss. I was a walking zombie sleeping at the time. I got off meds after i got divorced and i made that decision alone to divorce when no one agreed with me and to this day its the best thing i ever did. Only after i had kids was i brought into recovery. Because i never wanted to i was forced into alateen when i was a teen another long story and i never went back.
I didnt really have a choice but an untimatum was given alanon or shink. Alanon! my kids were 1 and 2 when i entered alanon. Now they are almost 7 and 8. I realize that i was saved, funny i am the only one in my family that trys to recover not perfectly i am a runner. I always come back though. Now my kids are at the age where the abuse started full swing when i was 7 and 8 and instead of entering the disease like i did. We are leaving it working to become better all of us. My children are truly a gift from god and truly did save my life if not for them i wouldnt be here and maybe not even alive today. I feel so guilty for having done to them by yelling. I am grateful to see my mistakes. I know they love me and they know i love them. I have trouble now letting go of my anger and it has lifted a little since my absence i just dont know how to be without it. Its a very safe emotion for me and i dont feel safe right now. I dont trust me. I live alone, dont have close friends in my lfie at all. Wondering why. Accepting that i am not so easy to be around and thats probably why i dont have friends. work to forgive me grieve for the person that is leaving and know that love doesnt mean hurt. I always do associate love with pain because when a parents says i love you and then hits you in the same breath its kind of hard to believe. When you guys say it to me i truly do not believe you. Its just words to me and i can say it back to you not completely I LOVE YOU.. its like three bad words to me. I say it my children everyday though and i know they believe it and i try to show them what love means. My children are confused my yelling has stopped so often and i give consequences now instead of feeling guilty and trying to talk them out of thier bad behaviour. They are scared of the new change i have to realize its going to be ok. I have let go of my fear of living and stop suriving. Accept the change and allow it to come. I rebel against it hold on to the old me for dear life. I somehow know that the old me isnt going to work for me anymore and its terrifying. I know my parents were abused more than i was when they were children. I understand why they drank now, dont really understand it all. Ready to move on tired of surviving i want to live. I scared of hp what if is right there on the tip waiting for me to say. What if another bomb drops??? There is alot more work to do and its come to the time where greiving is next. I dont cry i hate it i feel weak. so much so that it scares me to feel and thats where turning it to anger comes. Grieving for me for not having a childhood. For not taking the right paths for not making good choices. For the death of my mother and grandmother. For all i have pushed aside in my life. For the loss of my father and sister because i know we will never have a relationship and im ok with it now. A ton of work to do still. Since hp brought me to recovery and keeps pulling me back and didnt abandon me like i thought he did. I will do this for me and my children and pray i do the right thing. Thanks
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Sometimes when life is difficult we go back and re-examine the chioces that got us to that painful point.
I too struggle with this.
Years ago, I was sharing with a friend how bad I felt about the many bad choices I have made in my life, and how it hurt me to see not only me suffering the consequences, but my beloved only child as well.
She told me something that really soothed my conscience. She pointed out that EVERYONE makes the best decision they can at the time when faced with choices...and if you don't have enough knowledge, or guidance, or insight, you may make the wrong one. It is not always our fault as young people when we make the wrong choices, many times it is due to our parents and other adults in our lives failing us due to their own sets of issues...they too often do the best they can. Sometimes it is a legacy of neglect and abuse, our parents parent the way they were taught, who parent the way they were taught, etc....and if they were parented by abusive neglectful sick people...well...that legacy is passed on to generations.
So, rather than blame others or myself, my friend told me to work on STOPPING the cycle of making bad choices due to lack of insight, information, or good guidance.
Instead of obsessing about past choices, realize that we make choices everyday and equip MYSELF to make good ones from now on. Learn from others, be conscious about choices I make in life. I started reading a whole big bunch of self help books, and they have really made a difference in my life.
I had good parents for many years...but when I needed them most my family fell apart. As a young teen my parents separated and my Dad moved away...he was convinced my brother and I would not forgive him for leaving our Mom so he did not bother to keep in touch. This was devastating, he was always such a loving hands on Dad, I am convinced he suffered some sort of mental breakdown and never got help for it. There can be no other reason for such a drastic total personality change out of the blue after 15 solid years of loving parenting. He was severely neglected as a child, he had to take care of two siblings, one a baby, since the age of FOUR for twelve hours a day. He never got help for all of the pain he suffered, and I think it just got to him eventually, keeping all of that inside. My Mom went into a deep depression and ALL she did was go go to work and pay bills and come home and hide in her room, no cooking, no cleaning, no talking to my and my brother. NO guidance whatsoever. I was around 13 and had to take over all duties in the home. When I was 16 my mom stopped shopping and I had to do that too. She did not even take my brother to the doctor when he was sick, or go to his parent teacher conferences, I had to go...as a teen myself. She only paid bills that I told her to pay. Thank goodness she had a good job and money was not a problem. But I had to budget it carefully to pay all bills and grocery money. I had to be mother to myself and my brother. I learned to forgive her, she did the best that she could and managed to do the most important thing...continue to work as that was the ONE thing I could not do for the family as I had to go to school. Later, in time she recovered and has more than made up for this, helping me through college and to this day helping with my daughter. She has gone above and beyond grandma duties, she has given whatever help she could when she was not working.
I had no guidance as a teen and young adult when I needed it most so made bad choices in marrying etc. when I grew to adulthood.
Now with my own daughter I work hard to stop that cycle of depression that makes you fail your children. I am very open with her about life and both the joy it can hold with good decisions, and the grief of bad decisions. I tell her that young people don't often see that choices they make will affect their entire lives, but that they do and to keep that in mind. For instance, I tell her that when young girls see the cool "bad boy" and fall for him, they don't think that they may get pregnant and left high and dry with nothing and how THAT will impact the rest of their lives...probably no college, dead end job, trouble finding nice guy to date with a fatherless baby, lack of self esteem that makes you have more kids with creeps. So I tell her, when you see that "bad boy" see your future with him, a dead end job and roast infested apartment, screaming baby and no money for diapers as he has long disappeared...and look away, LOL.
My daughter turned 21 last week and this was very healing for me. I managed to keep her away from drugs, alcholic, bad influences, bad choices, creepy guys, trouble with the law etc. and it was VERY hard to be a responsible parent while dealing with the craziness of my first addicted husband (her father) and now my second.
I admit to practically sitting on her for a few years in early teens, LOL, but now she handles herself well as she really believes that making good choices is for her own good. It hurts to say, but I humble myself enough to tell her to learn from MY mistakes, and not make them herself. I tell her to look at results of my bad choices, and ask her if she wants this life for herself. I tell her to live life AWARE that every choice she makes impacts her life, and sometimes permantly. Friends with a bad crowd means she meets creepy guys and gets involved with them and probably gets pregnant and then no "nice guys" will want her, and she may end up in a bad state. I always tell her to look ahead...things aren't only what is in your face. I say, be friends with nice kids who are aware of their future and work towards a good one. Then you will meet nice guys through them who want a nice future too, like you, then you can work on it together. Being alone is better than being with a creep, because then you are ready to meet Mr Right, LOL, and he won't be scared away by your creep,LOL.
I also spend a LOT of time with her which is a lot of work, so she is not lonely and isolated and vulnerable to a creepy no good guy. I keep her busy with healthy positive things. She is an only child so I have had to walk the delicate line between being a Mom first, and buddy second. I think I have done it...LOL...we have a good relationship, but I can pull rank easily when I need to.
So, kerry, instead of looking back, think about the good choices you are making now, like alanon, and letting that good sponsor into your life. Think about how these good choices gives your children an better future and you will break the mold of dysfunction being passed on to generation after generation.
The adults in your life failed you at times due to their own dysfunction. Yes, you made the choices, but young people need INSIGHT to make good choices, it is no longer enough to say "because I said so" in the teen years.
You made bad choices when you did not have good guidance, but now you do and are making good ones. Try to let that heal you.
You are showing your children that it is OK to go for help when you need it, by going to alanon. Do you know what a powerful and healthy message that is? Do you know how much good you are doing your children just in that? If my Dad had gone for help when he went through his breakdown, my family might still be together, but he suffered in silence and went to hide away, when we needed him most.
Try to think of your strengths when you are hit with bad memories. It might be tough at first, you are so used to being down on yourself, but keep trying...
