The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, another week has started. The M.D weekend wasn't so good for me, I was mired in a depressed fog practically the whole time. I felt like a zombie most of the time. It just hit me so bad, like a black thing wrapping itself around my soul.
Damn I hate that. I don't want my kids to see me like that, either. Life just feels so ...NOT RIGHT lately. All my pent-up pissed-off feelings are right at the surface for me now, and I can't even LOOK at my A. without sending a death ray vibe! It's almost intolerable for me. Course, all he did was get drunk all three days....starting at around 4pm.
The rest of the time he was hung over and laying up somewhere watching some stupid show on TV.
When I broke down yesterday and started to cry he made fun of my misery (of course).
"Oh God...what now"?? "You're just a walking downer". Guess I'll deal with this somehow.....
I just feel like I can't cope with anything else. I'm trying to cope with these intesnse bad feelings that I can't cope with the rest of my life.
Since he can't be respnosible to do a damn thing, it's up to me to deal with making phone calls for this, doing that, paying the bills, ect. and I just feel like I am made of lead and can barely put one foot in front of the other anymore, literally.
I don't wanna feel sory for myself but it's HARD, really,really hard!!
Oh, well, that's what this board is for, at least I can tell somebody how I am feeling. It helps A LOT. I'd probably blow a gasket if I couldn't post my angst and pain here.
It does help to come here and blow off some steam doesn't it? I find it so helpful because the people here have felt what I have felt at times.
I had to laugh when you mentioned the "death ray" look. I think I was shooting my own this weekend as well. I was trying so hard not to, but I was just so angry with him and his slobbering self. I wanted to scream at him to stop it. But I held my tongue and left him alone. Something that helps me is knowing that he is making himself more miserable than I ever could dream of making him. It doesn't make it better, but it helps me to back off from him.
Keep coming back. Keep working a program.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Slobbering self....that's SO right. I like that....LOL
I don't cover my dirty looks quick enough when he says something stupid and acts like a complete moron. I'm sober, he's not. I have to keep reminding myself that fact. If I was as sheet-faced as he was, I'd act like an idiot too. Just can't stand to look upon his big ass beer belly-red faced-glassy eyed self every single night!! Ugh.
Oh, yeah, today is the day he is suppossed to go to an AA meeting and try to get sober. I'll let ya'll know he remembers to do it.....or just heads straight to his second home...the liquer store after work.
I wish I could offer some sort of wisdom...all I can offer is my support and prayers. You hang in there. Concentrate on you & the kids. Together, you'll get through it.
SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO often I can only let myself remember handsome, brown eyes, rock hard ARMY body, chin dimple, adorable laugh, big strong hands, sweet kisses and passionate sex active A....then I read this and HELLO JENNIFER do you also remember sitting on a barstool laughing at you and using you as a ride for his friend who lives 20 minutes away just so you can listen to this hunk fart and cuss and look and act DISGUSTING??????
Ya really.Mine was the tall, dark and handsome type with crystal clear sky blue eyes........
Now he has all American red, white and blue eyes...LOL......sorry. He buys Visine b/c he has "allergies".
LOL
Ok update. was really upset earlier cuz he said he wasn't going to AA and enjoyed drinking...now he's back to saying he'll go to AA tomorrow. He wants me to come with. I said OK. Tried to hug me, I pull away, don't want him to touch me. That's where we are at now, right now, tonight.
Soooo........hell if he goes, he goes. I hope he gets help. He needs it. Don't have heart to tell him that it probably won't save this marraige.
