The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I’ve been hearing a lot about people’s business lately. There’s my business, your business, and God’s business. I’m finding that I am much happier when I mind my own business, but sometimes figuring out what is my business is difficult.
I’ve also been learning that a part of recovery is learning to love God, self, and others. A lot of us are isolationist and we need to learn how to have a loving relationship with all these parts.
With all that said, I am struggling with some decisions a friend is making. It looks like my friend is about to become “the other women.” I feel strongly that this is a mistake – it is a dishonest relationship (you have to lie to everyone about it) and so many people get hurt.
How do you mind your own business when you believe your friend is about to fall off a cliff?
Hello, Lana, this is a good question, and it really puts recovery to the test! Falling off a cliff might be exactly what your friend needs for her own life, we don't know that, do we? At the same time, if you feel strongly, or if asked, you might tell her what you think and feel about it. If you say it more than once, it is about control. And the bottom line is, you can't control what your friend, or anyone else, does or doesn't do! Sometimes I think I can't even control what I do or do not do!!! Blessings, mebjk
I'm with Mebjk.... if asked, you can tell her honestly and with love what you think.... If not asked, it truly IS none of your business or concern. One of the great many things I had to learn in Al-Anon, is that I had a tendency to want to "help" everyone around me with their problems, issues, decisions, etc.... What I was shocked to realize, is that this was a form of me trying to 'control' to some extent, and me playing "their God". Yikes, those felt like strong words, but they were told to me with love by my sponsor, and they couldn't have been more accurate....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I guess you can only tell your friend how you feel, but it's up to her for the rest. It's her life, she's an adult, but at least she knows you care enough to try to talk her out of it. I think we all listen and store it away, but don't always take the advice given to us, and then learn the hard way and say- "gee wish I'd listened to (whoever) instead of making this huge mistake". Hindsight is 20/20, so true
Maybe she'll change her mind before she gets hurt, or maybe she just doesn't want a commitment from a man right now?
In my growing and learning in Al-Anon - this is what I have discovered . . .
The Reading on Page 131 of the ODAT (One Day at a Time in Al-Anon)
Today's Reminder:
"What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part"
If someone ask my opinion, I may suggest they look at a the whole picture, take time praying and seek the answer from their HP and also read this page. And to practice, Let Go and Let God. I understand this doesn't fit every case, but it has helped me in several decisions.
I recently heard an Al-Anon Speaker at an AA convention say "I spent all my life trying to get all my ducks in a row, only to find out they weren't my ducks"
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
When we have people in our lives that we love and care about we of course only want the best for them
If you are saying to your friend, "I think you are going into a dishonest relationship and therefore have to lie and cheat", then that is about blaming.
If your concern is for your friends well being then of course voice it, ONCE and then you will need to let it go. I would be so horribly hurt if the people who loved me most saw me about to step off a cliff did nothing to stop me. After that it is up to me.
As always,
Take what you like and leave the rest
Annie
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I think you have the right to say what you feel, ONCE. Especially if you are asked, and to me, someone talking to me at length about something is in a way asking for my input.
You also have the right, if she decided to pursue this relationship, to tell her that you don't want to have to hear about it. If you have let her know that you disapprove of this relationship. either because of its probable effect on her, or just because you don't approve of cheating, then I don't think you should have to listen to endless complaints when he isn't there for her on Christmas, etc.
We have all had friends who have asked our advice, have declined to take it, and who then have expected us to be an endless shoulder to cry on and sympathetic ear. I wouldn't just cut such a friend off, of course, but I wouldn't feel any need to listen to hours and hours of bitching and moaning, either. It's asking too much to expect us to keep our mouths shut, and yet listen to the endless details of a relationship we have warned against.
That sounds kinda heartless, reading it over, but I don't mean it that way. It's just that caring for myself means that I have the right to protect myself from being used as a wailing wall, with no regard gvien to MY feelings about the situation.
Hi Lana! Besides the great feedback you've already gotten here, I'd like to recommend Melody Beattie's book, The Language of Letting Go. Although it's not Al-Anon Conference-approved literature, I've found it VERY helpful with lots of relationship issues, and particularly with this issue of "whose business is it anyway?". I struggled with this same issue of wanting to save both family members and friends from the difficulties I had had, especially once a certain amount of recovery sets in, and seems like, boy, why should they have to go through so much when there's this great program that could spare them all that! Well, I had to learn, of course, just like everyone else, to let go! It's their process, and their learning, at the pace that's right for them, and with their higher power in charge!
Keep the focus on my OWN stuff!
In a case like you are talking about, I'd only say something if asked--what your honest feelings are, and keeping it direct and brief--and then let go of any outcome. You can care for someone, but that's really different than caretaking them!
Good luck with this!
Great topic! And so central to what recovery is about.
