The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just can't seem to get over this hump in the road. My AW is screaming and crying again over the fact that I refuse to quit going to Al-Anon meetings. We had a decient weekend last weekend going out of town with her folks to the beach. Almost as soon as we got home she went right straight back into this depression again.
This holiday weekend, she didn't complain, we did things with the kids... she just didn't talk to me, not at all. That didn't really upset me, but last night she just exploded. It is the same thing... for 3 months now she just can't get past me doing this.
I thought I was letting her have her little tantrum and not letting it ruin my day until I had a passing thought this morning on the way to work. I was stopped at a red light and a cement truck was coming through the cross street. For I fleeting second I just thought " ... you know, I could just slip the clutch out for a split second and not have to worry about this any more."
I would never do anything like that, but the very fact that it crossed my mind has let me know that I am right back where I was months ago. - Distraught and wanting out!
She is just so sick that I just don't think I can keep doing this. I love her, but I can't stand what this has done to her, and it is just getting worse.
Very sorry for dumping this on you guys. Just thought typeing it up might help me let it go!
Take care of you! I am trying to figure out what it's gonna take to take care of me.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The saying that ultimately helped me, was: "what you think of me is none of my business"
Al-Anon, as you well know is for YOUR health, sanity, and recovery - NOT hers. She is taking your inventory, trying to control your recovery, and worrying more about you & what you are doing, instead of working on herself.
THese things are best left with a simple "I am doing this for myself", and leaving it there. You don't need to keep rationalizing or explaining why to her.
JMO
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wanted to send you some encouragement and hugs. I think living with an "A" is very trying and would test the patience of a saint. I know I am not a saint, and this is so difficult. Putting up with the highs and the lows and the mood swings. It isn't fun.
I am blessed to have a safe place to come and vent. You do to.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I don't know if it will make you feel better or not, but I'm sure everyone of us here have had those thoughts about "let clutch slip out for a second and not have to worry about this any more". I remember being on the floor in my bedroom weeping, begging, pleading that God would allow my alcoholic/addict husband pass out with a cigarette and burn the house down with he and I in it, killing both of us while our daughters were not home just to end everyone's misery. I already had it figured out in my mind how the life insurance would make their lives better.
By the Grace of our HP, we both found recovery in our separate programs, he in AA and I in Al-Anon. My home group always says "don't give up before the miracle happens" - that miracle can happen in you.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts & prayers,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
There's a reason why this crappy disease is called insane, cuz it is!! I know that your thoughts of pulling out in front of the truck was just for a second but the fact that someone's behavior can trigger your thoughts to react that way is a bit scary.
Take your power back... Perhaps you need a boundary here? When she begins ranting about alanon, leave the room, leave the house, just get away from it. Refuse to listen.
Stick your fingers in your ears and say LALALALALALA...(JUST KIDDING)
Hopefully she will come to understand it's not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. In the mean time, you aren't getting upset over it either when you walk away. I used to leave my house often, which I started to resent. But when I weighed it out it was a small price to pay for my serenity.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((rtexas))) You have offered me much support and I want to do the same for you.
You whole comment about "letting the clutch slip and ending it all" brought back many memories for me. I used to have similar thoughts, though not during a similar situation.....Let me explain - I used to have this really really stressful job back in my early 20's. I wasn't making beans for it either and it was taking a horrible toll on me. Some days I would be driving down the parkway at high speeds in traffic and look at the concrete barrier dividing the Northbound traffic from the Southbound traffic....and think "Hmm, at this speed, with this many cars on the road, I could just turn my steering slightly to the left, snag that concrete & that would be the end of me and this stress! Let someone else do it from now on!" Fortunately for me, it was just thoughts but thoughts enough to scare the hell out of me. One day after having that thought for the umteenth time, I got to the sitter's to pick up my son and I looked at him & thought, THIS IS CRAZY!!!! WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF? I quit that stressful job & got happier about life in the process.
Now I am not saying that your solution for life married to an A is the same as mine for solving a stressful job....but what I am saying, is find that one thing that helps you through it and cling to it....if that is Al-anon, as it is for so many of us, then cling to it. Of all the things our A's take from us, don't let them take our recovery too.
I'm sorry gor the pain you are feeling. I understand those passing thoughts of wanting pain to end at any price, I know I have had similar flashes through my head before. I think you are brave to own them and share with us.
I think sometimes the A's in our lives just can't step outside themselves for a moment to see that maybe we need something in our lives. It's hard to live with that sometimes.
I wish you the best, and lots of peace to return. Take care of you.
