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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Newbie my story.....long post
Post Info TOPIC: Newbie my story.....long post
kas


Newbie

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Newbie my story.....long post
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I've only just discovered this on line forum and chat room and have been avidly reading the posts.
I am in rough shape emotionally and amazed at some of the people who have been dealing with much worse situations but I guess it is all relative. I am in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend (we have been living together for over a year). It is the hardest thing I have done I am not good at rejection and I have to push him out to get him out of my life.

He is a 25 year alcoholic (on and off drinking) age 57 who has been sober over 2 years but is in no program. He is 10 years older then me....Apparently he went to meetings when he stopped drinking this last time but we were not connected then. Then he stopped going he is very introverted does not like public speaking keeps to himself a lot...His only social group outside of me is his grown sons and 2 grandchildren.
So in the time we have been together he has never had a drop however his behaviour is anther story. He suffers from depression, sleeps a lot, irrational thoughts and it is often impossible to deal wtih any kind of conflict resolution. If I try to work anything out with him the smallest to the biggest he claims I am trying to start a fight or critisizing him. I keep telling him those are the things that we are supposed to be able to discuss resolve etc..to get closer .but it never happens....He does work and works hard which I think is one of the ways he keeps himself physically sober.
The other night I told him I needed him to be more affectionate either verbally or physically (outside of the bedroom) and he said he was hot after I gave him a spontaneous hug he interpreted as trying to start an argument with him iow I should of known better.....I try being playful and warm verbally he just stares blankly no response..It is so cruel and painful to me..Of course in the beginning it was not like this..I am naturally pretty upbeat and funny he does not get my jokes we do not laugh well rarely..He resents my desire to socialize go out to eat take day trips these are the things that give me enjoyment and life..I still see my friends but in the past year it has changed a lot.. He pursued me very agressivly and I felt so desired and wanted but once he moved in it quickly changed.

I have told him that our being together was an opportunity for growth for both of us.
In our last fight he said he was not going to change iow I don't want to change at all.
this pains me because I believe that growth is part of life. and I dont mean changing from likeing vanilla to chocolate but the deeper stuff.
I really thought we would become life partners but I can't get him to do anything with me or explore anything for healing. Lots of broken promises to take trips together to do certain activitys - I am at the bottom of his list. Some of our problems I thought mainly had to do with incompatibility but slowly I am realizing it is his a behavior, his depression which he blames all the time for not following thru on stuff, unclear thinking that is a lot of it. I love him a lot he is a kind person a sad person too but there is no real life plan for us. I have never married nor lived with anyone...I took a chance and it breaks my heart that it is not going to be.
We have broken up a couple of times that only lasted for a few days. He does not want to leave (my apt) it is comfortable here...I have done a lot of caretaking of him believing that eventually we would take care of each other in difft ways but have realized that the pendulum swings very heavy in his favor and I am more and more not getting my needs met. I know now this is unhealthy and yet there is a part of me that still wants to be with him obviously the good part and the thought of being alone again scares me as well.
I went on my own vacation this winter because he would not go anywhere with me and then he blamed me saying it was because I went to florida and he hates florida..of course after I begged him to go anywhere with me but the memory is selective..Anyway it is crazy making...and I am now crazy.

He is out of town for 2 nights another story and I told him this time do not come back. I know he will as he did before but this time I told him you walked out on me, you are not welcome here. It is emotionally confusing for him to be here he does have places to stay but I dont know how strong I can be...It is very hard for me to be mean to him to 'kick' him out but this time I was very angry today more sad. .I start to get some clariy when he is gone but with him in my space it is too hard for me.

well thats it in a nutshell ......thanks for listening....


ps I also worry that he will start drinking if I kick him out

-- Edited by kas at 10:08, 2006-05-30

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Rita G


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1491
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Dear Kas,


There seems to be a lot of pain in your post, I hate to hear that - but I am glad that you found this site - there is a lot of recovery here. 


Don't forget that you are important enough to enjoy your life also, you don't have to do things only because your "mate" wants to, take care of you - you deserve it


One Day At a Time,


Rita


 



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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
kas


Newbie

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Posts: 3
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Thank you again for your words. Any other suggestions or words of wisdom is welcome.

I am getting nervous because I dont know when he is coming back it could be tonight or tomorrow morning.
I am feeling a little stronger since this morning but I know once I see him or when he calls the pangs of love will be there and the confusion begins again.
I don't want to remain in a codependent relationship. I do believe I deserve better but finding someone you click with at all is a miraculous thing imo. Im not a dater and don't like connections that are superficial..I want to 'fix' him and have made many suggestions ie his depression trust issues etc... if he would try ie meetings therapy etc....He does not want to be fixed or he would seek out help. That is the truth I did not want to see. I have a hard time understanding why he would not want to. He looks for the easy way out. I never have.

I have been surprised at how much I liked living with someone.
Is it better to be alone completely or to be alone while someone is in the same room?
ramblings of my mind....
(don't worry I know the answer I can't settle well not this much.)


-- Edited by kas at 13:26, 2006-05-30

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jennneeefffurrr


Senior Member

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Posts: 135
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Living with an alcoholic makes you nuts. Now be thankful you have found this site, it is saving my sanity and my future.


Your A is a grown man, if you put him out, he can find the recources to survive.


Dont live with him one more minute out of pity or obligation to him.


My A is an adorable, 32 year old with a great job, magnetic personality, generous, affectionate, wonderful worthwhile person, WHO is a disgusting fall down black out drunk and WILL not change because HE wont change, nothing to do with me (3 C's) and I cannot "love" him enough to get him sober. He doesnt want that, he wants to live in disbrace. His life, NOT mine. Our past few conversations over the last month have been very demeaning and insulting. He has done a 180 you could say. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE BOOZE WITH THEM, you are not a bottle of booze so you are NOT the priority....once an alcoholic FOREVER an alcoholic.


I hope you will look in the mirror and see who YOU are behind your eyes there is a PERSON who is living in Hell with someone who DOES NOT make you happy, fulfill you, interest you OR deserve you. I have to do that EVERY DAY to maintain my dignity.


I hope you will continue to post, you will get stronger and you will survive this Hell with your alcoholic - whether you stay with him or not.


Jen


 



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nmike


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2677
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kas,


This is life with an A whether sober or not married or not. We learn in Alanon to take care of ourselves. And they have to take care of themselves. They start off loving and affectionate and then that goes. They start off doing things with you and then that goes. They are charming and you get pulled in and then that goes. They are underdeveloped and also sometimes depressed. We tend to follow their moods; if they are happy, we are happy, if they are down, then we are down.


This is a good place to be. There are alot of tools in the toolbox for us to use. Like one day at a time and let go and let god.


In support,


Nancy



-- Edited by nmike at 08:49, 2006-05-31

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kas


Newbie

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Posts: 3
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Having a very bad day,..I've been so up and down. Tears one minute Intense anger the next.
I spoke to my a boyfriend (feel funny saying that as he does not drink at least I've not seen it) my dry drunk boyfriend?
He was so complacent because he is in a situation that is comfortable for him at the moment which will probably end on saturday when he has to work again and have a place to sleep nearby.

I want to totally let him go kick him to the curb hurt him (a side of myself I do not like nor have seen so intensly before). I want to see him hurting the way I am right now (I cannot believe I am feeling this way). because it does not appear that he is hurting.
I feel so LET DOWN and blame my self for staying in this knowing for a while it was not going to change. he's in denial was acting very nice on the phone invited me to lunch this saturday...no mention of talking working things out just lets go to lunch.....I said so your planning on coming back into town? he said if I can see you I will....so f-g manipulative. My counselor said he is waiting for things to cool down and then will return if you let him. the dance i never wanted to dance.

Of course I miss him Of course I love him madly but I keep telling myself this will go nowhere more then it is now....do i want that????? NO but fear I will never meet anyone else either who has touched me the way he has inside..(hard to imagine there is so much positive but there has been I am focusing on the negative only right now) Nothing is black and white but shades of grey.....I feel sick ...I feel twisted. I know I am spinning because I think it is months of frustration coming out at once. There are a lot of missing detail s that I am not sharing and guess it does not matter but the truth of this relationship is what i have to keep my focus on....or it will go on and on and on.

I've always had a hard time getting my needs met and expressing them something in the beginning I did with him with mostly good results. we were very passionate and emotionally charged but like everyone has said it changes over time when it should not imho. why ?
If I did not want more from him in terms of committment and future we would be 'ok'. I cannot settle I should not and that's what I have to keep saying to myself even if it means I have to go it alone again and let go of some love even though it is not the whole package.

Thanks for listening & I will keep reading your posts they do help....

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nycbt


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 810
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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 


World Service Organization Website –


WWW.al-anon.alateen.org


Phone number is 1-888-425-2666


Alanon meetings 800-351-9996


Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666


Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.


Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.


 

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
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