The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I made it through the weekend without calling him, sending text messages or any desperate letters.
Saturday I went to a friend's house just to hang out. A girl I graduated with in 1987 and had only really seen a few times since then was there. She was very friendly, both hugging me, but both of them had been drinking since noon and it was 7pm. Both of them were just in alcohol recovery center together last weekend because both of them got DUI's on the same night about 5 weeks ago. It was awkward. Both of them offering me a beer, I turned it down, telling them I need to get home before 10 for my daughter, and they both were soused. The girl I knew from high school had been dating one of my A's friends a few months ago and I got to hear about their break up.
The more I sat there the sadder I got. I just thought to myself "is this what is in store for me as a 30 something single woman? hang out with my 30 something single women friends and get drunk all freakin day?" UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Then I went home and cleaned my place and watered my flowers. I read some more of my book "A Million Little Pieces" and felt better, relaxed, called a couple of friends and just feel asleep.
I really started thinking about A yesterday. I drove past his place on the way to the city pool. His car was in the driveway. The pool was not open, and a sign said they would open Fri. I then took my son to the beach which is 20 minutes away. I almost called A, I knew he was home, I knew he would enjoy it and GOD how I miss him. I didnt call him.
I walked 3 laps around the cemetery Saturday and later in the eve I walked the subdivision I live in. I bawled like a baby and prayed and begged God to either release me from the desire I have for him or send him back to me ready to work the 12 steps, attend AA meetings and become a recovering alcoholic.
I know I have to accept ALL that happens as God's will and believe that He has a perfect plan for my life, for my A's life and that all of this happened for a reason.
It is hard not to get angry with God when it seems he brought me up to the highest high I have ever known, the one true love of my life comes back, loves me, I am ecstatically happy and then I am thrown into the blackest Hell I have ever known, and WHY????? I know there is a reason and a perfect plan for this but I really wish I knew WHY????? I pray alot, I talk to God alot, I trust God BUT He just feels so far away sometimes and I get so hopeless.
SO,,,,, I hope everyone else had a better weekend for the Memorial Day holiday, filled with family, swimming pools, hamburgers and hot dogs and fun.
You sound like you are making progress - I know for me, when I was going through those rough times, I would get up in the morning, look in the mirror and say "Thanks God, we made it through yesterday, help me through today" Take victory in every day.
Maybe try to expand your friendship circle, one of my sponsees is dealing with some of the same issues and she started praying for healthy friends. Maybe you can seek some of those out at your f2f meetings, open AA meetings, etc.
For me to continue my recovery, I have to spend more time with healthier people. That's just what works for me . . .
Keep coming back,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sounds to me like you had a pretty great weekend yourself, full of growth, awareness, and making good healthy decisions for yourself. There is an old saying in Al-Anon, that you are "right where you need to be" in your recovery.... The choices you are making are all good ones this past weekend, and will only serve to make you stronger, and have more faith in YOU, in the coming days/weeks/months...
Time to give Jen a well deserved pat on the back, don't you think??
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Jen, from my understanding, bad does not come from our hp. It comes from the other very bad demon.
I am so sad you are having such a rough time. I am proud of you however becuz you are moving your body around!You did not make any contact with A, good for you.
You also have some very strong boundaries.
Keep doing what you are doing. I see ya on a very good path.
It is you becuz you will learn great things from all this. When you feel that, a light bulb will go off in your head and heart.
I totally understand where you are.. I spend time away from my husband and it is so hard not to pick up that phone and call him.. Last weekend I went to my nieces graduation and he chose not to go.. ( we were fighting ) I went anyway.. It was so difficult not to call him.. But ya know what ?? I look back and say why did i want to call ??? To yell at me, tell me how wrong i am, tell me all the things our son does wrong, make me feel sorry for HIM, listen to poor poor me.. ?? I didnt call either.. I too was proud of myself for not calling.. It may seem like a small achievement for others but for me and you it was HUGE.. Good for you and Good for me . I understand where you are because I my friend am right here next to you.. :)
I would agree with what was said eariler .. find other friends.. I become really uncomfortable when people are drinking or should I say getting smashed.. You arent alone in that feeling either..
what I have learned in alanon is that your feelings are just that they are YOUR feelings.. You own them.. !!!
We need to protect ourselves, start doing what is right for US for a change !! Congratulations, you did it.. baby steps, that is all we can do ... at least right now..
