The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Whew! I’ve been reading the board and it’s…sobering! I am surely in the right place. I plan to attend my first al-anon meeting on Wednesday and in the meantime found your board.
I have an alcoholic boyfriend… for 2 years now. He’s 52…and fell off the wagon after 13 years of sobriety. When I met him he had just started drinking and I was very sure he would be able to quit..and he’s tried. He’s quit 6 times..7 times maybe in the last two years, most recently for 2.5 months, before falling again 2 weeks ago.
Each time he falls, he slides further faster. And he goes from being literally the best man I have ever had in my life (and I have had some good men!) to being…well, I guess he’s in a black out most the day/night at this point. It’s very hard for me to tell. He can drink ungodly amounts and be very coherent at times.
Anyway, he’s drinking now and we’re separated. We don’t live together, thank God. But I don’t know what to do. Generally, I’m the sort of woman who would leave a situation like this in two seconds, but obviously that’s not happened. It’s very hard for me to give up on him…and believe it or not, my friends (still) support the relationship.
Obviously they think it’s impossible if he’s drinking but no one wants to count him out, because overall he has been very, very good for me, and to me. Being with him has been tremendously healing to me. We are supremely matched, really. We are both quirky but highly, highly compatible and when he is not drinking our relationship is enviable and leaves me wanting for nothing. So this is an enormous quandary for me. Cut my losses? What losses?
On the other hand, when he’s drinking…well it scares the heck out of me. He is just way too old to be dumping that much beer into his body and when I am out of the picture (and I am, these days when he drinks) he drives drunk. He also doesn’t bother to eat. Not his priority. He also throws me under the bus. He wants to be alone when he drinks…he does not want a witness, I guess.
And he goes on like this for a four or five weeks, generally before getting back on the wagon..and what’s incredible is once he does, he’s fantastic to be with. No dry drunk type stuff I mean. He just goes all zen and takes care of his addiction himself.
However, I am miserable from hitting dry ground, thinking we’ve arrived, only to be thrown back in the blender for another go-round. I try to disengage, but fact is we are very tight and at this point I would characterize myself as addicted to him, as well.
So this is what brought me to Al-Anon. My addiction to the addict. I understand the concept of focusing on myself and have this exact intention, right before I swing back to worrying about him so I know I need help.
I am not very familiar with the 12 steps so I don’t know what comes next.
For me, what I found useful, was to begin incorporating some daily Alanon readings into my life. I bought Courage to Change (the daily reader), and began reading the reading for the day. When I had a dillema or a struggle, I would look up the keyword in the index, for example when I was having difficulty caring for myself, I looked up "self-care" and read all the entries for the keyword.
I found that just by doing readings and going to meetings, the "next steps" of how to use the program in my life became clearer. As I have studied the slogans, the steps, and the traditions, I have slowly begun to see how to move from study to action. I also eventually got a sponsor, a wonderful woman with 20+ years in the program, and started working the steps.
For any newcomer I would say, "easy does it!" I, too, wanted to absorb everything right away, but I've found a slower, gentler pace, and some faith in the fact that your healing will unfold naturally as you work the program, helps me from getting overwhelmed.
Again, welcome! I've found a way to recover my own life through Alanon, and I hope you do, too!
Welcome to Alanon and MIP. This site is for the family and friends of alcoholics. Unfortunately we get the whole ball of wax when we get the alcoholic: we get the disease along with the great person that they are. As my AH says, I am my disease. My AH and I were told that we are a love addict (me) and a love avoidant (him). We do a dance in our relationship. He avoids through addiction, not just me but his feelings. I focus on him to filll my black hole.
In Alanon we are told to focus on ourselves. We end up in worse shape then they are sometimes. We are also told that this is a progressive disease. So we get outselves into recovery. There is always hope.
I'm also new here, and went to my first Alanon meeting last night. At first I felt a little awkward because the focus was on alcohol as the abused drug of choice, and most folks there had a long family history of dealing w/ alcoholics. My AH's drugs of choice were pot/crack...but there isn't a Naranon in my area.
However, the group was very welcoming, and assured me I was in the right place. Addiction is addiction... Anyway, the best things I got from the meeting (and apparently there are new "best things" w/ each mtg):
-Give it 6 meetings minimum - don't make any decisions that it's not for me w/out going at least 6 times.
-The focus on "God" is SPIRITUAL not RELIGIOUS. The HP/God is whatever force I feel exists in the universe to help me. This was important to me as an ever-evolving spiritual seeker.
-Don't take my A's behavior personally. It's not about ME. Geez...this is so true but so hard.
-It's normal to feel emotionally starved by my A partner. That's why Alanon is so important - to learn to take better care of myself, to find support elsewhere, to feel worthy and loved. (my A is in recovery - and I'm finding it hard to be patient w/ the fact that he his so absorbed in confronting himself that he is unable to meet anyone elses emotional needs).
Anyway - that was my experience. Best of luck and please let us know how your meeting goes.
