The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I knew when I was thinking of this as a question to post I would end up sharing a bit (perhaps a vent?) on why I am asking. Also would serve as my daily al-anon journaling, so a win win.
I will share two instances that come to mind for example on why I am asking:
I recall the first time I felt it from my A (ex husband and his family). The yelling, the hostility and the attitude -you get the gist. I felt an awful feeling inside of me, I recognized it as not being part of my being -a “foreign feeling” is best as I can describe it. Last week I ran into a few of my ex inlaws, I smiled, made a nice comment, pleasantries. They are the kind that thrives on fighting and negativity. They were none too nice, had their angry faces on I would be six feet under by their looks <ugh> I could not shake the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It has been a long time since I have encountered any of them. Being away from that for so long I got that same ugly indescribable feeling that I had felt long ago resurface. Other then being reminded that it’s HP’s doing they have not seen son in seven months, I am “so” grateful I am no longer living with that feeling daily. I can not imagine the anger and nastiness they carry with them to this day. So in this case Fight or Flight comes to mind. You bet I felt like running far away from that! “Detach, Boundaries, Serenity” I kept repeating afterwards, even now while recounting this event.
Another is I had someone yell at me, completely caught off guard, I was unprepared for such an incident. I felt it was totally unwarranted (to say the least) It was in front people and not in a way where I could have responded w/o knowing the exact things to say for such an instance. I left with my jaw dragging on the floor all the way to my car where I was wondering (filled with tears, angry –angry with myself for not speaking up) what part did I just play in that for it to have happened? What was my part and dangit, why could I not just speak up? I called a person who was on an al-anon phone list and asked for their take. She offered great experience, strength and hope. While telling her the details of this incident and my response or lack there of, she said “Fight or Flight”
She gave me a few suggestions on what to do “if” an ugly thing like that happened again. I can have al-anon notes written to have with me for reference to recite. Saying what I mean, meaning what I say without saying it mean works well *when I am prepared to do so* She also said there are times when it’s not always about me, meaning “I” could have done nothing, it may have been bound to happen anyway. She related to the not being able speak up for yourself, that she was once the same way. Never would I would have guessed this –for she is very articulate and wise. The most important thing I am getting at is: I was told that by me not reacting with a response (other then walking out, which she said was best because had I responded I may have added to the problem and it probably would not have been with the correct comeback) at that exact time that my HP had it “exactly as it was meant to be” Like I said I am pretty sure had I said anything it may not have been nice. Then I would have a lot of crud on my side of the street to deal with as a result. Yes, a great reminder that HP (god for me) is in charge. So not being a fighter and not expecting people to act in such a manner is difficult for me. I am trying to overcome this and get a backbone.
I suppose I am asking, what does Fight or Flight mean to you?
To me it means walk away from an uncomfortable situation or get sucked intot he craziness and jump back on that marry go round of insanity.
I used to fight alot. I['d argue...I had to have the last word. I had to let the other person know i AM RIGHT and YOUR ARE WRONG. But one of the readings in AlAnon said "do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?". That stops me from the FIGHT part. I can be happy by refusing to get sucked into a confrontation. If others give me looks that could kil...tha tis THEIR problem. I can let them roll off my back. I can detach from their anger and their attitudes.
Flight to me does nto mean running away from a problem instead of facing it. It means removing myself from their line of fire.
My favorite line in such a situati8on is YOU MAY BE RIGHT. Then I walk off. I have not given them power to control me. I have not given in to their wrath. I have stopped an argument before it had a chance to begin.
OH my goodness, what a thought producing question. Fight or flight to me means exactly those two things. Fight to the finish or run like hell.
It's what our bodies were hardwired for from the beginning of time.
So now, when I am in an uncomfortable or stress producing situation and that feeling rises up in the pit of my stomach I can name it. It is my bodies biological response to stress. Unfortunately our bodies are not able to differentiate between what is real life threatening stress and nasty in law(or outlaw, whatever the case may be) stress.
This being all said and done I have knowledge, knowledge about what it going on inside my body, why it is happening and I can deal with it. I don't see walking away as flight. Have been in situations where I have had to literally run; that is flight. When I am unable to keep a civil tongue in my head or when I want to be deliberately hurtful to someone I walk away until I have simmered down. As time goes on I am getting much better at this.
I have never been a physical fighter but at very able and very good at fighting with words. Hence the walking away if my temper is high.
As always, take what ya like and leave the rest.
In alanon
Annie
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I can so relate. I've had two incidences recently where a person has made me feel just as my A has made me feel in the past. I've pondered this for a while now, my conclusion is that they didn't make me feel this way, I allowed it. I know who I am and I allowed myself to accept that which is unacceptable, things that for that moment I wasn't able to speak up or stand up for myself.
I remember the first time someone treated me in a way that was unacceptable and I calmly spoke up and said "I don't know if you are having a bad day, but I don't deserve how you are speaking to me." This was not my A, it was someone who was close to me, and I worried I would offend them! The thing is that when you are taking care of yourself, you can't always worry about how they are going to accept what you say. I agree, Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean.
Sometimes I think Hp brings these things to our attention so that we can work on them. I wonder if I haven't gotten a little lax in my program, started down an old path of behaviors that I thought I had whooped (lol). We never graduate from this program, it's constant maintance.
Try to remember that those old feeling, are just that old. Worn out and usesless. You have grown and discovered who you are. What your ex-in-laws try to fling your way is just their inner anger. Someday I hope you'll be able to look at them and see them for exactly who/what they are. They can only bring you down if you let them.
