The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things have been quiet in our house for the last week and a half. No late night binges or 2 hour disappearing acts. I have been to f2f meetings BUT today I am angry. I should be happy ...right...things have been calm I am angry for the past hurt and the future hurt that I am sure will come..I am angry that I go to meetings that are all about me becoming a better person...I am pissed that I have to work hard to fix this crap. I try to tell myself it is a disease but maybe I just don't believe it. I think my H is in the early stages so I guess I resent that he can't... wont... doesn't want to ...change. Been married for 32 years ...Many great times but the sad and disappoining times too. I compare it to chinese water torture....never enough to drown you....just enough to make you crazy over a long period of time. As I analyze myself I think I am just getting ready for the next disappointment or I am just TIRED. Sorry to dump on all of you especially those of you whose situations I know are alot worse. I will pray for you.
Anger is part of the process. Not a pretty part but a part nonetheless. The stages of grieving anything are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and whew finally Acceptance. DABDA. It's something we all have to do. Clinical studies have shown that those who don't experience it now will eventually at a later date.
Keep going to those meetings. I went even when I felt unlovable because I knew they loved me anyways. Keep coming here and posting because you never know when your post is going to help someone.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
AHHH..anger. I have felt the same feelings that you express in this post....feeling like I was the only one working at things...that I had to give up all of my dreams and EXPECTATIONS to make my marriage work. Good bye to the fantasies, and hello to a new way of looking at a person. I felt like I was condoning his behavior, and making changes in myself to accomodate him. That I was accepting a FARCE of a marriage, and was just a kid playing house with an imaginary friend.
I made a decision whether or not I wanted to remain married to my spouse. The answer was yes...I WANTED to......the next decision, and the one I am currently working on, is CAN I remain in this marriage accepting the fact that he may never recover from this disease. Being seperated, I am able to process this more fully, and still do not have an answer, but believe that I will have the answer when I am ready. It is a journey. But the one gift my HP is giving me is that no matter what happens, I will be fine. I will be fine with myself and my children if I stay, and also fine with myself and my children if it ends. THIS is why I continue to work this program. To know that I will like myself at the end of it, and not be ashamed of my actions is a blessing........and one I will accept whole heartedly for ME...not on behalf of my AH.
When it all comes down to it, we have ourselves. We are accountable for our own lives, and how we live them. Freeing ourselves of the resentment and anger is probably the most difficult thing to achieve, but also the one that brings us peace. I am still working on this..with the help of a god that loves me, and who is protecting me.
You are not alone, and I so appreciate your post. It speaks to me on a day when I have many questions. THANK YOU FOR POSTING, and KEEP COMING BACK!
Hello, Elizabeth, I am so glad you are here! Yes, I know a lot about anger, too. Sometimes I think I didn't know how to be anything else but angry. Of course you are angry! That is a good thing. One thing I've learned in Alanon is that there is no "good" or "bad" feelings. There are just feelings, they tell us about ourselves. Sometimes they are hard to have - I have sat with certain feelings for weeks, sometimes, - but they are real and they are part of the "more will be revealed." Keep coming back - it works, if you work it! Blessings and prayers to you, Elizabeth. mebjk
Hang in there Elisebeth , this is a win win situation for you , u get happier and menatally healthier regardless of w hat he does so that with or with out him u will be okay . so nice to wake up and not be mad at the world that attitude was killing me emotionally and not good for my family either.
Keep commin and work on you and your atttitude and one day You too might be able to say that YOU ARE GRATfUl U MARRIED an Alcoholic. (ducking here ) hehe
Took me along time to be able to say that so understand if u are sitting reading this and swearing at me . hehe Louise
I was the same way with the anger. A few weeks after leaving my husband when I too should have been feeling great, I was soooo angry. I was finally able to let the anger out for all the years of disappointment, embarassment and heartache. I couldn't see it at the time I thought I lost my mind. I finally had peace and I was pi**ed off! I was grieving the loss of what could be and what I always hoped our life could be together. Oh, I was having a big ol' pity party and I needed to. Then in came the depression, again, I have what I want but I'm depressed. Again it was grieving. Now after 7 months I feel pretty darn good. I had to feel those feelings though to get here. And it never fails when I am down that I can come here or to a ftf meeting and hear just what I need to hear for that moment. There are words of wisdom all over this program! This journey is exhausting and without Al-anon I wouldn't be where I am today. Independent and free. Hang in there and go one day at a time.
Wow, Well let me tell ya.... in my experience, alanon did not fix anything. It made me learn how to become a better person, with A or not.
I do completely relate to the anger. I am old, so I remember when women were wrapping themselves in plastic wrap to spice up the marriage. lol All books were for us to fix the marriage.
The point of alanon is for you. Not anything or anyone else. If you did not have an A, the skills we learn will enrich us.
Ya see I am watching my husband of over thirty years in the last stages. None of it matters to me now. His aism, his behavior. I have me and my hp. He is miserable but I don't have to be. I care about him. I don't like watching him disappear, I don't like how aism pulls him down. But thanks to alanon I don't go with him.
As I matured in alanon, miracle upon miracle happened. I realized it did not matter that I loved him anymore. I became comfortable with it.
Anger went away when I finally knew for sure he was horribly sick. When my focus becamc muy hp and me, life changed.
Your post has brought all of us here together to support you and to support us. I am in a 32 year marriage with a sober A that moved out a year ago. I continue to feel all those feelings. Sometimes my anger scares me and him. So past anger and future anger keep us from living in the here and now. I don't know why I go to meetings and he doesn't. I don't know why I cry from loneliness and he tells me what a good time he is having. I don't know why he doesn't care about our family?
For myself I keep taking baby steps to being a mature person. My anger doesn't always serve me well with him or anyone else. I am learning as much as I can about finances. When I need help I am asking friends and strangers. It wears on you; I tippy toe around him and that takes alot of energy.
I love my AH but I don't love his disease or my reaction. I am truly thankful for my life and its' lessons. Embrace your feelings because they are real and remember that this too shall pass.
Thanks for sharing and for explaining that anger is part of the process. It helps to know I am normal in my feelings. It makes sense that when you stop denying the reality of the situation anger sets in....was it easier to live in the fantasy...pretend there is no problem...don't worry..the answer is no......I have lived in that vivious hellish cycle too long...hope to never go backwards...it has to be better...I am willing to try ... tonight I will stay angry and not deny
PS My husband left 3 1/2 hours ago to do a 15 minute chore!!! He has a disease or is a selfish bastard...no crying tonight because I am too busy reading and writing on this board
Glad you are here. I can relate to your story. My alcoholic husband took years to finally get sober. He had to get aware first, then accept it, then take action. I do the same thing in my recovery and you certainly can too. I hear at least two of the four letters from the anagram H.A.L.T (you got it right, Halt !) The H stands for hungry, you didn't mention that, the A stands for Angry, the L stands for lonely (you probably are, but you didn't mention it) and the T stands for Tired which you also mentioned. Its not unusual for you to feel any or some or all of these things at any given time. The trick is remembering when you are feeling one of them that its ok, that 'this too shall pass' and to remember 'Easy does it". We all need to be gentle with ourselves. It isn't easy living with the disease. Do something nice for yourself however small. Go for a walk, go to a meeting, stop in here, do a craft you enjoy, read a good book, but take care of you. Once the focus starts changing, you will begin to feel serenity. Hope this helps a bit. Baby steps, it doesn't happen all in one day. Keep coming back, and keep the faith.
Hugs,
Aly
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If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten !
