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Not exactly sure what happened yesterday...last night....this morning. I share this with you, my friends, to try to keep in check what is happening to me. I am drawing on the experience of those on this board in all of their differing stages of recovery. My hope is that SOMEONE can relate.
AH is out of the home going on over 3 weeks. He made plans to come and spend time with the kids yesterday, and showed up. He had no money, so intended to just "hang out". His paycheck comes Tuesday. We had a chance to talk in MY bedroom......and we did...but in the midst of it, well....we enjoyed the best part of our marriage....a physical attraction that has always been POWERFUL between us.
Anyway, I recognize that this aspect of our marriage has never been an issue. I also shared this with him, and told him that I do not count on the sex to keep us together...there must be more to us. Having him was a desire that I had, and I went with it. FOR ME. Anyway, I explained to him that it "takes a rare bird to live in a marriage like this one, and I do not know if I am strong enough, or want, to do so". I thanked him for coming over....was so appreciative that he showed up, and then explained that I have had to re evaluate trust. I explained that if he hadn't have shown up, I was going to go out and do something with the kids anyway....and he was stunned...almost offended. I simply told him that this is how I must learn to live my life....fair or not....and that it was for my own sanity and the well being of my children.
I went and talked to my son, and saw how upset he was (he is 10) that Dad wasn't going to take us anywhere. I told him that we were going to do something as a family anyway, whether he showed or not, and decided then and there that we would go to dinner. I invited my H to come if he chose to. He did. It was a nice time, but not much of a comparison to going to see a movie like they had expected from dad.
We came back home, and watched a movie here. My H called my 18 yr old step son (who moved out when he turned 18 in Mar--lucky kid), to ask him to work with him tomorrow, and since the child lives here in town, my H asked if he could spend the night....i was fine with it...it didn't bother me at all. I have mentioned in different posts how the addictive quality of our relationship is gone for me....my feelings are grounded and centered when it comes to that love i feel for my H, so I did not take this as any sign or agenda...i just said sure.
We shared a bed last night. I slept worse with him there than I do when he is not.....must be the snoring....
Anyway, I do not want this to throw me back in my process, and don't think it has. Even when my H said that he tells people he is on "a vacation" from our marriage, it didn't concern me....i thought it did, but my new way of thinking did not allow it to effect me on a personal level.. I just thought of it as his choice of using this time, and that I would continue to look at my own desires in my life...marriage or not......living with an A or turning away...........being happy and sane or miserable and nutso....chaos or alanon....I make choices for me....and that is all I can do. God can do the rest.
Anyone relate??? Anyone have any observations??? Something that I don't see???
You sound very good, and into your recovery. I like how you would have taken the kids somewhere whether he showed or not. I also like how you took him to dinner with you.
Even in marriages with out aism, the physical attraction is sometimes the only thing that is left. Many times it goes on for years after a divorce.
He is your husband, it is my opinion, better to be with him than someone else. Part of the reason I stay married is becuz I don't believe in being with someone unless I am married. Since i have been with him off and on since I was a kid... I know I would do the same now.
I like having the choice.
Just becuz he has a disease does not mean you don't have feelings for him. In fact to me, it is refreshing.
Just trying to put on my "eyes of a ten year old" here, and thinking how very confusing it must be to him, to have his Dad out of the house, but occasionally sleeping over with Mom, etc.... I dunno, it just feels strange to me - kids can adapt to pretty much everything, but part of my old school mentality might suggest that your A has the proverbial "best of both worlds" right now, as he is not perhaps fully suffering the consequences of his choices right now. There are many men, particularly alcoholic men, who might just "kill" for the situation that he has - he's away enough to be able to feed his addiction, but allowed to come home for physical relations when it suits his needs to, to some extent...
Just something to consider. I'm not judging - just an observation, from my experience with A's...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you for your candid feedback, canadianguy. I can see how you may see this as confusing through my son's eyes. And I guess I didn't consider it, due to the fact that my intentions here are to figure out if I am strong enough to go through this life changing approach. My H has not left since. He wanted to stay last night, and was worried that it would "confuse the issue" with me.
There is no confusion for me, because I know there must be more to this marriage besides the physical, and I won't know if I can do it unless I am exposed to him. I shared this with my H too, and told him that this changes nothing. It may be a reason to WANT to work everything out, but I make no guarantees. I have been doing really well with myself, and my children. My attitude is simple...I will live my life, and he will do what he chooses.
I guess my kids are used to him not being here and then being here. I had a candid talkt with my son before posting, and he said he thinks it is cool to have dad around...He said he sleeps better knowing that daddy is in the house, not matter how long he is there.
REALLY GOOD FEEDBACK. It made me aware that if I am not careful, I could really do harm to my kids.
This is the kind of candid support I need to make sure that I am considering all the angles.
), to ask him to work with him tomorrow, and since the child lives here in town, my H asked if he could spend the night....i was fine with it...it didn't bother me at all. I have mentioned in different posts how the addictive quality of our relationship is gone for me....my feelings are grounded and centered when it comes to that love i feel for my H, so I did not take this as any sign or agenda...i just said sure.