The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, the A in my life told me that while on this break he realized that; he doesn’t have that kick in stomach feeling for me and he never has, also the lack of attention both emotional and physical that I been feeling from him is not only his sobriety but that fact that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with me, it over.
Oh my God, WHY!! It HURTS so BAD please pray for me and help me move forward
Hi.... sorry, I haven't read the first three parts to the story, but what your A has told you is pretty common.... Of course, I have NO idea whether he means it, or knows what he does/doesn't want, etc.....
Most A's, either when they are active, or very newly sober, are struggling to figure out what they do or don't want.... In their addiction, they "want" somebody who will let them freely feed their addiction, and stop making drinking so damn uncomfortable for them... One common pattern is for them to run from anyone halfway healthy in their lives, and run to somebody who is equally sick, who will either drink with them, or tolerate/encourage their behaviors...
If at all possible, please read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. THis book will help explain, in a nutshell, that if you "really" love your A, then you will get yourself healthy. By doing this, your A may get himself healthy as well, and re-join you in a healthier place, or he may choose his addiction.... Either way, YOU are better off, cuz you are choosing to honor yourself, and getting yourself healthy.
Take care, and please take care of you, no matter what.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Keep coming hon. I know, for today, that might not help you. This is a gentle program that cannot be learned over night.
I also like "When I got busy, I got better." Keep the focus on you. It will truly help to ease some of the hurt. It won't take it away but while you are hurting and processing the loss, you will also be accomplishing much and one day you will awaken and it won't hurt so much, you'll actually feel like laughing again, and you will look back and see all the fruits of your labor.
Don't leave before the miracle, Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I know the pain you feel. I don't believe there is anything more painful than loss. For me I would get myself some flowers in the house, make sure I had "soft" things. Loving your self will help.
Telling yourself everything is ok, helps too. Think about what you do have. You will still hurt, but yet you will be hugging yourself by making sure you have what makes ya feel better.
If you can, think about YOU. What do you like? What can you do to make yourself feel better. I get lost in movies, take naps, lots of them. It helps me to keep a pet close to my heart to fill in that dang hole, and ease that horrible pain you feel.
Broken hearts are the worst. When someone asks how you are, or what is wrong, don't be afraid to say, "I have a broken heart."Everyone understands that.
Sadly, my A's disease has broken my heart so many times over the last 30 years + that the next one, since i am more deadened, will be when he dies.
My A told me it was over back when I was 17 honey, and who knows how many times since.
I don't even listen anymore. I just live my life and make my own happiness. A's are so tortured by their disease, sober, on a program, using whatever. I know with my A, he probably does not even think about what he wants anymore. He has lost so much, so why bother feeling wants anymore.
Just becuz they are in recovery, does not mean they are healthy people who are no longer dysfunctional. They are still A. I honestly believe Aism is also a mental illness,not just physical.
And it is more too.
So I don't base my life on my A anymore. I mean, what I do, I don't consider him and his feelings anymore.
If I want to raise a puppy I do. If I want to paint my house purple with pink polka dots, I will. I learned a long time ago to live for me. Becuz no matter what I do, the Aism will not like it. I could sit still in a rectangular glass box for ten years and the A disease would find something they did not like about me and what I do.
So to heck with it. If he wants to come see me and treat me with respect, great. IF he can bring himself to ask me,"Well how are you?" then great.
But hon I learned to take care of me and find my own way. If my A wants to share of some of it, he better know I won't take any more bologna.
Hey you know, ask yourself, what did you like about HIM? What did he do for YOU?
Look at you, love you enough to think, well if you don't like me, fine, I like me and I will be ok and better than ok after I heal some.
If someone does not like me fine, my me is precious to some and they are who I want in my life.
hugs keep coming and venting. The chat room can ease the pain a lot. It helps to get into it and forget you are any place else.
Uhhhh, all I can think of is the nerve of an alcoholic to say that. Do they really think that we actually have that, "Kick in the stomach feeling" for them when we see or saw them stumlbing drunk, slurring their words and doing all the other stupid things the disease makes them do? Sorry, that is just my first initial reaction.
I guess I am sore about this issue. My A told my therapist that he only "loved me in a way." I just keep thinking how ridiculous. Any sane person would not even say that if they felt that way. Why would you want to hurt someone you have shared 13 + years together and a lot of them were filled with deep love? As the disease took ahold of my AH, his looks deteriorated. He gained weight, looked pale, had dark circles, etc. I mean, was he insinuating that he was no longer attracted to me? PLEEEEAAASE! I figure in typical A manner, he knew how to get me where it hurts. He knows all my buttons. Plus, if he admited that he really loved me then the next question would be why are you wanting out of the relationship? Of course the answer is because he is an addict and I put my foot down about the drinking and outed him to all of our family.
I guess A's will do and say the exact thing that just stings you. They are masters of this! I am sure my A would say that our sex life sucked because our relationship sucked and I wasn't that interested in sex or something. Of course the answer is how can your sex life be good when your partner is coming home drunk and exhausted all the time? I have one thought, "Gross!"
Sorry that I am reacting with so much anger. I am sure this is very un-alanon, but I just feel defensive for you because I know the pain. I guess what they tell us is true -- work on yourself and making yourself feel good because we can't rely on anyone else to do that.
You have a lot of wisdom and support here. Feel your pain and keep moving forward in your life. One day at a time. My A said "I am outta here" a year and a half ago. It hurt like hell and still does. I think that my worse fear was that I would never see him again. Although, he has been sober a long time he still wants to purse his other addictions. There is truth in all the posts. They have to blame their ill behavior somehow and we are the closest target. It is easy to take everything that they say and do really personally. A's seem to be immature, self-centered, and really scared underneath.
The Getting Them Sober books have really helped me understand the patterns of alcoholics - sober or not. I do not know how to interpret this but my A said (and moved) I am outta here and going for the divorce a 100's times in the last year and a half. I have tried my best to work the Alanon program to recover myself. My A is presently on my couch watching the game with me. Some much for the divorce and I am outta here.
