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Not really sure how to begin so I'll just say hello and thank you for allowing me to join. I'm kind of lost with all of this. My AH has decided to quit drinking but it never really lasts, guess that's negative on my part. So I'm just trying to learn how not to be an enabler and what is the difference between helping the man I love and enabling him? For example, he said he will quit drinking, no I didn't ask him to...just told him how unhappy I was...that was a few days ago. There is still beer in the frig and in the house. Do I leave it for him to get rid of and let him do this on his own or help him get rid of the temptation?
Welcome to this site!! I know it's tempting to dump the beer out, to get rid of whatever "temptation" is in the house, but it won't do any good until HE is ready to get rid of it. Maybe he is leaving it in the fridge to see if he can REALLY resist it. Who knows. I'm guessing that he isn't ready to stop drinking completely. Maybe he left it there just in case he wants one more drink.
I used to dump my dad's beer out while he was at work, only to find out he had spent more of our family's money on more. He wasn't ready to give it up yet. I was certainly ready for him to quit, but he wasn't.
My husband, who is now sober 2 years and 1 month, said when he bought beer for his last binge, that he bought a 6 pack intending to drink only one and throw the rest away, and then drove down the road a little farther, stopped at a market and bought a 12 pack, just in case he ran out. Logical thinking, huh...
It's good that he wants to stop, but honestly, we can't speed up the process. The three C's of Alanon are: we didn't CAUSE it, we can't CONTROL it, and we can't CURE it. No matter how badly it's hurting US, they have to hit their bottom first before they are ready to stop. I know with my husband, he had to have AA's intervention to get to that point. He was/is powerless over alcohol, and can't do this all on his own. He will forever need AA meetings, a sponsor, and his Higher Power to stay sober. But this is his choice.
Take care of YOU, try to get involved in Alanon meetings, and focus on YOUR recovery from the effects of alcoholism.
Welcome Sandi, and you have come to a good place.... THere are lots of great people on here, with hundreds of years of experience, strength, and hope to share with you.... "Enabling" is best described as when we do things for the A that they can do for themselves, and typically would involve us creating some kind of 'soft landing' for them, rather than allowing them to have the consequences of their behaviors to be theirs.....
If he is serious about his sobriety, he will discard the beer in the fridge. I might suggest that you could mention it to him, once, if you want/need to.... He may or may not choose to deal with it, but it is really not yours to deal with.... Bottom line is, YOU throwing out booze doesn't do much good - if he wants to drink, he will find booze, that is a certainty...
Glad you found us, hope you find other sources of recovery too, including F2F Al-Anon meetings, etc. One great book to begin with would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. That book explained soooooo much to me, and helped me get on a path to healthier living and serenity - for me....
Please keep coming back...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcoem to MIP. I hope you can make it to some of the online meeetings here . They are awesome.
As the others said..HE needs to decide if he wants to dump it or give it away or keep it there for a temptation. If you dump it and he wants more he'll jsut go buy it. Its a GREAT start that he admitted he had a problem and wantd to quit. That may or may not lead to him quitting, but they MUST admit they have a problem before they will ever do a thing about it.
I see enabling as doing things for him that will keep him another day in his addiction. It's doing for him what he should be doing for himself. I wont lie to his boss. I won't buy him booze.
I wont pay the DUI ticket or the jail bond. Several times I even refused to pick him up at the jail. He managed to get himself there, so he can find a way home. (he walked)I wish you the best. Keep posting and reading. AlAnon really WORKS.
Thank you everyone. I am grateful for this place. I have been doing alot of reading and it wasn't until I heard the last part of "your recovery should be your focus, your recovery of the EFFECTS of alcohol" Now I get that part, lol. I was always wondering why they thought I needed recovery. It's hard to understand all of this at first.
He never misses work or has even been late to work in many years, doesn't get in trouble with the law either. It is not even like he is abusive either but emotionally to me by not being able to control his own emotions and embarrasing me. I guess this is a good time for him to get it under control because as I read it gets worse with time.
I love this man with everything I have and I'm willing to help him through it and, if that means leaving him past out on the couch with his head to one side that's what I'll do. He wakes with a stiff neck and all alone on the couch.
His mother used to have a problem with drinking but recovered. I just wish I knew how to handle it when he starts in on me while he's drunk. I'm 9 months pregnant and it's hard. He follows me around upsetting me so much. He never backs off. This is what we were speaking about when he decided to stop.
PRAY for me today please, this is his only day off all week (won't drink unless it's his day off) and a reason to drink. I hope he can do it. I see the efects right now as I am so used to having trouble when he's home I'm already getting worried.
I know it's tempting to dump the beer out, to get rid of whatever "temptation" is in the house, but it won't do any good until HE is ready to get rid of it. Maybe he is leaving it in the fridge to see if he can REALLY resist it. Who knows. I'm guessing that he isn't ready to stop drinking completely. Maybe he left it there just in case he wants one more drink.