The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband (A) and I separated 3 months ago. It was a spur of the moment thing . . . another fight . . . well, more like a non-fight (I get upset and he hides in a shell) . . . but it ended with him saying that maybe I should go to my mother's house for a while. So, I left and haven't been back. The issues we have sound a lot like all of the ones described here. Basically, he wants to live in his own little world and I've becomes a bigger and bigger nuisance to him, because I want to share a life with my husband, instead of being distant roommates.
He's been sober for over a year now, and I thought things would be different. He goes to AA meetings, but mostly stays on-line on AA chat rooms. He is on them maybe 8 - 12 hours a day when he is not at work. He is more distant and secretive now then he was when he was using. He's also defensive and basically behaving like he did right before he started using, or when he was hiding it and hadn't told me about it yet.
We haven't talked in over a month. He won't discuss anything with me. He says that he doesn't want to hash things over and over and I just need to take time to work on myself. I just don't know what that even means anymore. He has taken everything to such an extreme. He believes in "boundaries" that end up excluding everyone from his life. I don't know how to explain it all. Of course I believe in working on ourselves individually, but when you're married, you should also be concerned about your spouse and work on the marriage as a couple. There should be a balance. I'm not pefect by any means, I have my issues, but I can work on myself until I'm blue in the face and it won't take away my desire to truly share a life with someone and not be left on the sidelines. My husband would rather talk to people he has never met through a computer than real people in his life.
He told me that when he told his sponsor about us, his sponsor told him he just needed to work on himself. Gee, what a thought! An alcoholic who is so self-centered and self-involved needs to just work on himself and think about himself. What great advice! I was so mad. Geesh, his sponsor is separated!
Well, I guess I'm done sharing. I'm tired; can't even go into all of my feelings about it all and just trying to live life these past couple of months on my own. Thanks for listening.
I can so relate to much of what you said. It was easy for me to feel resentful of feeling as if i was the only person working at my marriage. I am separated from my AH, and have been for two weeks now. Before this, we were separated 3 times. This time is different for me. I asked for the separation...first because I wanted to force his bottom......and then, because I wanted to be happy..and well....and I am working on this everyday. I think I finally realized that my life was unmanageable, and I could not control the alcoholic, or the situation. I too have been struggling with the idea of not being able to lean on my A for many of my needs, and have felt resentment that my definition of marriage is not what I found in the Al Anon program. Trust is a huge issue with me, and has been for more years than I can remember, and I fought with my EXPECTATION that I should trust my husband if no one else. I also fight my EXPECTATION that my H should want to share his life with me....talk to me.....share his thoughts.
WELL, I realize through this process that when the chips are down, and all else melts away in this life, we really only have us.....that to be truly happy, and feel safe, we can only really trust ourselves and our HP to meet our needs. We can not force our own EXPECTATIONS on any other human being, and EXPECT them to comply. I don't try to take away your frustrations, your feelings of inadequacy, your feelings of loneliness, abandonment, disappointment...they are all real feelings...just know that you are not alone....
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It is a journey of discovery that you undertake in this program. And the people here are so supportive and understanding.
Welcome to MIP. I also have had the same exxperience. The secretiveness and selfishness. My A husband used to tell me he deserved a personal life. I thought that was what a wife and family were???? My part of this family disease is to focus on what the other person is doing, saying, feeling. Instead of keeping my own side of the street clean. Working on yourself can be a wonderful journey. You cannot control what he does or feels. Focus on what you can control.
I have to reply here as a line you wrote jumped out at me. About spending all that time on the computer talking to (program) people rather than real live people. That description has been me. There was a period in my recovery where I actually resented any time I had to spend away from my alanon chat room. I would get angry at hubby when he'd mention "all the time you spend there" and say back to him how I needed that time in order to change me, to find recovery. My kids would try to talk to me, I'd say "not now, I'm busy".
Now maybe I did need all that time at first. Maybe (probably) it was very selfish of me. But ya know what? One day I "woke up" to the realization that I was lacking balance in my life. That my hubby and kids did have a valid point. And I now work at balancing online recovery with real life recovery. I still do believe I needed to go thru all that time though in order to learn what I've learned, and to "see" myself honestly.
There are years of dysfunction in our family. Its going to take time to change the dysfunction to healthy functioning. My husband is still active, thats ok, I've learned how to be okay and things have even improved family wise. My own experience with the being selfish with recovery program time has prepared me for when he decides to pursue his own recovery. I will be able to look back at how I was, and give him the respect and time he needs for himself. He truly has been very patient with me, even when he'd vent about my time spent here. I am grateful for that, for his understanding even when he didn't like it (and at times he hated it).
Perhaps I have amends to make to my family for that "selfish period", and how I do that is to now give them the time and attention they need, while still being firm about needing my own time for meetings. If I am just chatting or replying to a post, then yes, they have the right to ask for my time and I have the responsibility to give it to them. They have the right to know that they are important to me, and the responsibility to know that my meetings are important to me.
It is often extremely hard to know where that balance is in early recovery, and usually you won't have the proper balance. But comes a time, if you're really working your steps and program, that you will get there. Just my experience shared here. Please take what you like and leave the rest. Thank you for your post! Please keep coming back - it can get better!!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Welcome to mip, very nice to met you hon. i can relate to being seperated a short while. It is hard living alone after being married.....Everything is different, one of my closets friends had a graduation party for her son and I stayed away. I didn't want to hear where is Chuck?????
Try and fill yourself with things you enjoy. Stay busy so that are dead tired at night......
Most of all you have to take the focus from him and give it to yourself. We become such a big part of the addiction, our lives are a mess, we as well as the A's have to make a change........
Don't you think we're all taking some concepts to the extreme. I mean, can we say that it is not worthwhile to have any expectations, or we'll just be disappointed. I look at other marriages and families, and it is healthy to have expectations . . . expectations from others and from ourselves. It is ok to expect your spouse to love you, spend time for you, respect you, etc. I am not going to lower my standards so that I don't get disappointed in life. I agree that when it all comes down to it, all I have is God . . . I believe that every human will let you down or has the capacity to disappoint you; I don't think that means we should no longer have expectations, but simply be realistic and give the same grace to others that you would like for yourself. And, to have a lot of faith in God.
As codependents, we tend to just focus on others and base our feelings and moods on how others are doing -- I can see where this is where we need to apply the concept of keeping the focus on us . . . but I think we may have taken it too far in saying that most of our troubles come from our expectations of others. I think I'd rather learn how to deal with disappointments in life than pretent I don't want certain things from my spouse. Nothing made my AH happier then when I didn't expect anything from him, left him alone, and just focused on myself. Took him off the hook.
There's gotta be a better way . . . a better balance.
I agree with what you are saying when it comes to having SOME expectations of your spouse.
That is where (IMHO) boundaries come into play. First we decide if this is what we want, and then we decide what we will not negotiate on. I just found that with children in my marriage, and a VERY unpredictable AH, my children could trust me, and expect from me what I promised them. Love, support, financial stability, fun, laughter. They could not, and should not, expect these things from their daddy...which is so sad. My AH is not in the home, and I have not yet made the decision whether I am able to live the rest of my life with him. I don't have that answer. What I do have, is the knowlege that I will be fine with my children no matter what, which is such a relief.
My expectations of my H in this marriage (support, communication, dependability, trust, unconditional love) seem logical, they seem normal...they seem so natural in a marriage (to me), but I have learned that in an alcoholic's mind, there is no logic...no sense of normalcy...nothing is natural, there is no reasoning. At least that is what I see with my H, and I feel is in his wiring. Am I strong enough (or stupid enough) to have that in my life? I don't know....and won't know until I am ready. I have yet to set boundaries for myself. A part of the process I am working on, and will define as I heal. HOWEVER..he will not be welcome to move back in until I am sure that I know what I will and will not live with. Until then, I will raise my children and take care of me.
I didn't intend to come off sounding so HARD CORE, because I am not. I am being gentle with myself, and in protection mode, until I can stand in my boundaries, and feel my HP's will for me in my life. Until then, I expect nothing from my AH.
Thank you for that insight. It was important for me to hear, and get back in touch with.
