The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been having a bad problem with my self confidence... well that has been going on all my life but I am realizing it more now.
I am feeling very confused as to why someone would want to be my friend, why someone would be willing to spend their time sponsoring me. I don't feel I deserve it. There is a part that says I don't not deserve it but don't necessarily deserve it either.
There is the part of me that wants to just be alone to prove I don't need friends. It hurts so bad when I think that someone would even want to be my friend. How stupid is that!
I know that I need to keep comunication open to work this program. I am battling so hard trying to do it. I do well for a little and then I feel like I am doing it too much so I shut down. I want to keep moving along in the program and I know that it is up to me.
Has anyone had these types of feelings? Do you have any ESH that you can share with me? I feel lonely and scared and am not sure how to overcome these feelings.
I had horrible problems with these kinds of messages to myself. I was so ashamed to be tied to the kind of family I had among other stuff. At some point I used positive affirmations to drill myself so I could break the pattern of negative self talk. Someone used to tell me bring the body there and the mind would follow. I chose some things I wanted to do for me and started to do them. For one I returned to school. I was amazed to see how many older folks went back. I had always wanted to do art and design work from the time I was young and wound up not being what I wanted and in the family busness. There are lots of groups and different types of courses to get involved in to help. I used alot of trial and error type things and let it be ok whatever happened so that I could learn and grow from it. I decided I was just going to have to deal with it if I was going to grow out of/past it. Back then I also went to different kinds of 12 step programs and absorbed what I could. I believe we all have our own individual journey and we don't have to match anybody elses speed or accomplishments and can grow at my own pace. I used to want it all so fast and it just didn't happen like that. I found out its a lifelong journey. I was in a shell and believed like you talk about in your post until I was in my late 30's and started on the path to break out of it and change whatever I had to to get a better life and am still working on it. Along the way I've met a few dear friends and alot who were the same way and trying to grow too.
Hope this helps you. Take what you want and leave the rest.
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I certainly went through some of those feelings Sandie.... bouncing back and forth between my 'pity party' for Tom, wanting anyone and everyone to feel sorry for me, to simply wanting the world to ignore me, and leave me alone.... I think BOTH are examples, plain and simple, of how sick we have allowed ourselves to become, and you recognizing this is a huge step towards wanting to actually do something about it...
When I was at a week long program at my wife's last Treatment Center, they put us through a whole bunch of things that reminded us of OUR value.... Such validations & affirmations are a regular part of 12-Step programs, where we remind ourselves, bit by bit, that we are of value, we are worthy.
One little exercise that they had the group do, to reinforce our "stinking thinking" with respect to our own self worth.... They asked for a show of hands as to how many of us had children, and most of us put up our hands.... We were then asked, on a scale of 1 to 100, where we would rank our children on being worthy of being loved, on being a precious child of God, on being of value.... I think the average score was somewhere in the mid 90's... Then they asked the same question of ourselves, and our combined average scores were somewhere in the mid 50's. The instructor then used this as an example and reminder to us.... that we too, are in the same category as our own children.... we ARE precious, and unique, and deserve love, happiness, fulfillment.... we are children as well, and are every bit as precious and deserving as our own...
I liked that exercise, as I think we can tend to be overly hard on ourselves.... One of the many things that Al-Anon and our recovery programs DO for us, is to remind us of this fact.... We/you ARE valuable, worthy, and an important person.... No matter where you are, or where you have been, that truth is undeniable.... Sometimes we have to "re-learn" this stuff...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
