My son (12-1/2 years old) went to karate class yesterday right after school.  He has been wanting to come home first to spend time w/his dad (my AH). So it took me a bit by surprise that he made that choice.

When I got home from work, my AH was laying in his recliner (slept all damn day).  When I said I was going upstairs to change my clothes, he said that I needed to come give him a kiss 1st.  I told him that I had been at work all day and if he wants a kiss, he needs to meet me at the door.  So he got up and came to me for a kiss.

After I had changed & came back down, he was back in crappin recliner.  So I sat on the couch, picked up my book I am ready (Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince) and started reading.  He kept looking at me.  Finally he said that after he gets a job and gets some things paid off and life back on track, he is going to re-propose to me & then we can finally take the honeymoon we never had.  I just gave him this "Ya Think So" look.  And he said "Well you would have to say yes of course."  He has noticed and notices every day that I am not wearing my wedding rings.  I took them off the week he disappeared w/out a word (that was a few weeks ago).  But somehow he is still thinking that as long as he keeps saying what he thinks I want to hear, that we will be ok, everything will go back to the way it was before he started using crack.

So at around 7:00, he left to pick our son up from karate.  When they returned, we ate dinner & my son went to take a shower.  My AH & 3-1/2 year old daughter went & cleaned up the kitchen & started making a cake.  I was on the couch reading my book and ask where our son was.  My AH said he was in the shower & I said he's been in there a while.  So my AH decided to go up & tell him to get out.  When you tell him to get out, he does right away.  But my AH decided to bang on the door & say "Open the door."  So my son got out of the shower, threw a towel around his waist & opened the door up about 10" to see what his dad wanted.  My AH said "Didn't I tell you to make it quit?"  Well my son gave that all to common response that boys his age give, "I don't know".  That pissed off my AH.  He said something to my son that made my son puff all up and act tough & defensive.  Well that did it....I am not sure exactly what happened but my AH pushed the door open so hard that it threw my son against the wall causing a LOUD BOOM.  My son, trying to catch his fall, grabbed the shower curtain, pulling it & the curtain rod down in the process.  There was some loud yelling and I am not sure what else happened but I jumped up off the couch at the 1st of the noise & ran to the steps, passing my daughter in the kitchen as I went....then I realized I better check on her too b/c she was sitting on the counter & I didn't want her to fall.....when I turned to look at her, she had this look of shear terror on her face....half hidden behind the chocolate cake mix she had been licking off the beater.  So I grabbed her up & tried to calm her, by that time the scene upstairs was done and my AH was back downstairs and back to making the cake, fuming.  I went up to check on my son who was extremely upset, telling me he didn't want his dad there anymore.  I told him I was working on it but that it was taking time and until I can get some things straight he needs to yes sir and no sir his dad and jump when he says jump and not cause any confrontations at all.

Then I went back down to my AH (keeping my daughter w/me the whole time) and showed him the anger I felt on my face.  He said "You are mad at me aren't you?"  I was like Yea!.  I told him there was a better way to handle that and that he needs to work on holding his temper. He tried to justify his actions by saying it was bound to happen b/c my son has started acting like a tough ass here lately and cocking a lot of attitude & that it was time to get him straight....blah blah blah.  I didn't lose my cool w/him though b/c I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  After a while my AH asked me to go w/him back upstairs so he could apologize to my son b/c he wanted me to hear what he had to say to him.  He said he was sorry but was so cocky and mean about everything else he said, it just made me want to punch square in the face.

I fixed my son an icepack for his head, gave him some ibuprofen and tucked him in for an early bedtime....my sweet boy....I love him so much.  Then a little later I got my daughter & I in bed...I sleep w/her.  My AH tried to get me to get in bed w/him 2 times through out the night but I would go.  Just ignored him and acted like I wasn't really waking up when he came in (I do sleep so sound that the house could fall down around me & I probably wouldn't wake up).  I mean honestly, did he really expect me to go into our bedroom and snuggle & have sex w/him after all that....and after he disappeared Mon morn through Tues afternoon?  He thinks that if he can get me to have sex, then all offenses are forgiven.  What a joke.  On top of that, I get up at 5:00 AM to go to work, he sleeps all day -how dare he wake me up in the middle of the night to satisfy his male urges.  He just doesn't get it.

So I am so unbelievably glad that I have that meeting w/the lawyer today.  I thank God that I was mad enough at him Tues for not coming home Monday night that I called & made that appt.  And thankful that when he showed up Tues afternoon saying he had been at my sister's all night, drinking w/her husband & not doing drugs that I still kept that appt.

I have been finding myself letting my mind wander into the future....what life will be life once the kids & I are out on our own.  Oh - now that is when I will find my serenity.  Just the 3 of us, doing our own thing w/out any worries about my AH.  I dream about the little house, the way I may decorate it, the yard and how I will landscape it and the wonderful life we will have.  Of course all of that takes money....money that I don't have & won't have for a long while.....but baby steps....I will get there....I see my future through the fog and I will get there.  Today - this meeting - will be my biggest step towards it.  I feel like I am getting in control of my life. (Of course I could get horrible disasterous news from the lawyer today - but I won't think about that until it happens).

Thanks everyone for listening.  I had to get that off my chest.....and now I feel better, stronger for it.  I thank God every day for helping me find Al-anon - MIP on line.....I would be forever lost w/out my Al-anon family.  (((family)))

QOD