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OK, so now I understand what I've heard from others that "relapse is a part of recovery." In our case it's a big part, bigger than I thought it would be. My A (daughter, age 23) relapsed for the second time since completing a 31-day inpatient program at the end of March. The first relapse put her in county detox for three days and an eviction from her sober-living house in FL.
Then she managed to remain sober for about 5 weeks, working her program with her sponsor, making progess it seemed to me. Then a week from today she arrived at her usual evening AA meeting impaired. She was evicted from her second sober-living home that night. The home manager offered to help her check into a motel for the night and find another half-way house the next day. Instead, Amanda refused help, got into her car and was intent on driving back home to us (parents) in VA. She only made it 20 miles. She was pulled over on I-95, arrested for DUI and Battery On A Police Officer and jailed. Finally, what we've been warning her about for so long finally came to pass. The felony battery charge I never even envisioned.
We put our Al-Anon training to work. We refused to put up her bail ($1500). Amanda spent the past seven days in jail. I finally agreed to put up bail on the condition that she sell her car the first day out and pay me back. Her new sober-house roomates picked her up, posted my bail money, drove her to the towing facility, picked up her car ($415 fee) and then drove her directly to CarMax to sell it to reimburse me. All that was done today.
When I talked to her on the phone while she was in the detention center, I asked her, "How did you get here Amanda?" and "Have you hit rock bottom yet? Or is there more?" I wish I knew the answer. Those of you with longer experience in dealing with this than me (less than a year), does being jailed have a profound effect on young adults? She is the most broken I have ever seen her, utterly devastated and humiliated, not angry and defiant. I'm wondering, will this experience be her bottom? She wants to come home and live in a sober-house closer to us. She's lonely. But we have our boundaries too and I don't know if that's such a good idea right now. She's got to learn to live soberly on her own, doesn't she? I'd make her blow into a breathalyzer every time she came over and she'd do it, but I'd prefer she stay down there and fight the good fight. Maybe I'm being selfish or too detached. But while she's still subject to relapse (forever?) I'd prefer a long-distance relationship.
And the FL felony charge. She was drunk and resisted arrest. With a prior clean record, it's sad to see her looking at a felony conviction but it's a consequence of her bad choices. I wonder if that will be dropped at her court appearance a month from now if she shows up there sober, working, remorseful, and pleading guilty and accepting responsibility? We're not hiring her an attorney, she'll have to go with a public defender. This is like a bad dream that refuses to go away. All unfolding in less than a year.
Hello, Jeff, I'm so glad you are here. This is certainly the right place for you. You sound as if you are doing great. It must be so hard to let go of your child. I have been in the program for about 20 years and whenever I hear about a parent letting go of a child I think they have so much courage. Your choices sound good for you right now. Be clear about whether or not you really want to get into monitoring Amanda's recovery by giving her a breath test, etc. Maybe you really don't want her to live closer to you right now. There is no way of predicting when she will reach her bottom. In the meantime, I hope you have found a good face to face meeting where people are really working the Program, that you have a sponsor who can help you work the 12 steps and who you can call when you are really having a hard time, and that you have started to work the 12 steps of AA and Alanon for yourself. In my experience, this is all about our learning to take care of ourselves, not about the A in our lives, whoever that might be. Remember the 3 C's of Alanon: you didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't cure it. The 12 steps have really worked miracles in my life. Thanks so much for being here, Jeff. Blessings and prayers to you, mebjk
Hi Jeff, and glad you posted your story.... I am certainly no expert, but through my experience, I would say that we (as Al-Anons), and even the addicts themselves, don't typically know 'ahead of time' when they have hit their rock bottom... For my ex-wife, who is now over four years sober, her 'rock bottom' came about in a rather minor event (from my eyes, relative to all the biggies), but it was when our two children, ages 6 and 4 at the time, had taken to a nightly routine of playing downstairs in front of their catatonic mother, just so they could actually 'hang out' with her for a bit... I could cite two dozen instances and circumstances that I would have thought would have been more powerful, but I think it boils down to the same rationale as to when WE seek recovery and help - when they are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired". Some get it early, some never get it, and some are in between....
For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you are doing all you can - you appear to be handling your daughter in (good) textbook-like fashion, and I'll keep her and her sobriety in my prayers.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hello, first I am so sad your daughter is so sick. It is a horrible disease and she did not choose it.
Jeff as far as her bottom or is she ready to stop now, she does not know.It is like asking someone with poison oak, well are you going to pop up with any more rashes?
We learn in alanon not to take anyone elses inventory. Their life is their own, their disease their own. Only they can walk into AA, follow a program of recovery and take a day at a time choosing to be sober. the bottom is they get so sick of all the horribleness of being an active A, they will do anything to get well.
We do not want them comfortable. It is such a hard concept. "Getting Them Sober." excellent book. My alanon Bible.
I believe it is so much harder when the A is our child. It is totally unnatural for us not to want to protect them, save them, take care of them. But in fact, if we do those things, we are making their disease stronger.
I have learned their disease, their consequences are their own. I would not bail them out, I would not allow them home. very hard.
But the more comfy they are the easier it is for the disease.
Relapse is awful. Most the time they don't even know what made them do so. And from my experience it is not that it just happens. Behaviors, not following their program has been off for a bit then they use.
"I love you." That is why I don't go see my husband in jail.
"I love you." That is why I won't accept his collect calls.
"I love you." That is why I am taking care of me and happy.
quote: We put our Al-Anon training to work. We refused to put up her bail ($1500). Amanda spent the past seven days in jail. I finally agreed to put up bail.
Ok for an A, they need consise rules. Consistantcy from us. They know when we say something we mean it. Agreed with who? The A?
Manipulation is a constant with our A we love. They will act real sweet, make deals, anything to get what the disease wants.
The last thing my A said to me was,"What can I do different?" sigh, not my job to figure that out for him.
They HAVE to fight it alone.
I see you doing very, very hard things. Doing things that are really showing alanon skills you have learned! We all have set backs, we all falter sometimes. Of course I am perfect...lol
gads...I would not dictate where my A lives. It is their life, the sooner they grow up and meet their milestones, find their own power and realize they are powerless over Aism, the sooner they might have a chance at happiness.
I would HATE to get in the way of that. Even to the point I will not allow my A husband to live with me and he has NO WHERE to go when he gets out. NOWHERE.
For some jail is a big deal, to some it is not. It may seem bottom to us, but to the A, it is only a drag becuz they cannot use in there. And to be honest Jeff, some like it in there becuz they know they cannot use, so they don't have to fight it. It is like a vacation from their aism.
My A does his best in jail. Sad eh?
I encourage you to set boundaries for YOU. Maybe try, for instance, you may come visit us sober.
Speak more the positive.
When bad things happen, "OH A what a horrible disease to have gotten you in such a mess. "
Since alanon, I say to my A, Oh A I am so sorry you are so sick. Or, oh no does this mean you have to kick H all over again? I detach from it as an emotional thing for me, or as a downing him. He did not choose it.
He has not gotton sick of it enough to stop. Sadly Jeff, I have seen my A since he was 17 doing this.
He is now 53. He has been sober and relapsed a hundred times. He has hit his personal bottom several times. sigh. everyone is different.
With our kids, all we can do sometimes is love them. Sending you guys a big hug, and I hope your A finds some serenity.
Yes relapses are pretty well the norm , this disease can be arrested never cured.!! Looking for guarantees just dosen't work , accept where shes at , keep the boundaries you have set in place and let it go it's natural course of events.
Allowing the alcoholic in my life the dignity to live or die the way they choose was the hardest t hing I have ever done in my life, I saw no dignity in dying drunk , but my sponsor told me that even a drunk deserved respect . watching people we love destroy thier lives is painful but al anon makes it possible for me to have a relationship with a practicing alcoholic . I don;t have to like whats going on but I do need to accept that I cannot change it to find peace.
Your daughter needs to know that she is loved ,indiference never worked for me it's a pretty cold place to live . good luck and don't give up hope
It is true that relapse very often is a part of recovery. That doesn't give the addict/alcoholic cart blanche to just continue using, justifying it as a relapse though.
It is very hard to do especially being fairly new to this program, but I suggest you keep your eyes on your own plate. Instead of wondering and worrying if this is her rock bottom, ask yourself if this is YOUR rock bottom in dealing with her addiction? Put the focus on you and take it off her. You'll be amazed at the positive effects it will have on both of you.
Glad to hear you're not paying for her attorney. Let her feel full force the negative consequences of her actions. That is the only thing that will bring her to that rock bottom you so desperately want for her to reach.
As for her assault charges being dropped.....I live in Fl. Chances are high they won't be dropped just because she shows up sober. And if you really think about it, why should they be? That would only be letting her out of her consequences, the very same consequences she NEEDS in order to seek recovery.
It goes against our very nature to *not* help our addicted loved ones. But as this program will show you......the best way to help them is to stop helping them. (Enabling) Give them the freedom they need to fall flat on their face, however many times it takes.
In the meantime, try to attend f2f meetings, get yourself a sponsor and work the steps. That's the best way you can help your daughter.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Thanks so much for sharing your pain with us. My husband and I are able to work our programs usually very well (He in AA & I in Al-Anon), but our daughters can so put us right back in our illnesses.
Our oldest daughter (27) is way out there, we have limited contact, don't see her two children, won't give her money, sometimes she calls to talk and it is great conversations and sometimes it is all about her being the victim of other people "doing" her wrong, we don't talk long at those times.
I sometimes can make the healthy choices when my husband can't, sometimes it is the other way around . . . all I can do is keep reminding myself that there was a chair for me when I was ready for recovery, there was a chair for my husband and there will be one for her and prayerfully she will seek it before the disease is too far gone . .
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts & prayers,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I really appreciated your post. I too am a parent of a 20 year old son who has struggled with addiction. His first treatment program was a 35 day residential program. He had several relapses........Currently he is in a Teen Challenge program (not just for teens), a Christian program. It is a year long program, broken down into phases. My son has been with Teen Challenge for about 2 months. He is doing well, although it has been hard to be away from family. We get to visit him every Sunday. This past Sunday, I just visited and we had a really good talk. One of the things he mentioned he is learning is that relapse doesn't have to be a part of recovery. To him that gives him much more hope. Teen Challenge isn't a "traditional" treatment program. They deal more with Character, behavior issues and faith in God. As he told me Sunday, he is learning a lot about himself and is growing up. We feel this program has been such a blessing and has given us all the most hope. He is surrounded by great guys. In addition, the program has a very high success rate for those who complete the year.
I do understand the pain......we've been down that road too. And like you mentioned, we've only been dealing with this for just over a year. We are thankful our son recognizes he has a problem and is willing to get the help. Being away......he is out of State, has been good for our family too. We've been able to have some peace in our lives. Sounds like your daughter also wants better for her life. I believe that is really the start on the road to recovery. I know it has been our faith in God that has gotten us through some really tough times and He continues to walk this path with us. There were times we prayed our son would get "caught", possibly getting him to his "bottom" sooner. But the consequences of losing his family and best friend and girlfriend seemed to be the difference. We realized we couldn't control what he did, but we could set boundaries and stick to them. Tough love is really hard, but necessary.
I will keep your daughter and your family in my prayers. I do understand what you are going through. It really is different when it's your child that is the addict/alcoholic. This is a great place for encouragement and support. May God Bless
