The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still in my office, no clients, not working, just in group and in my own sick twisted mind.
I actually saw a funeral procession and said to myself "lucky". OMG I dont want to be dead! I forget sometimes that I am a meaningful worthwhile person.
Then I started fantasizing that I would be in a terrible car accident. I get hurt, bad, but live. Because then my A finds out and rushes to see me. He then opens his eyes, I almost lost her, I could lose her forever.
I am so sick.
If it is gonna take a near death car accident to wake his a** up, then f him!
I am so angry with myself for letting me turn into me - a f'd up sick and twisted desperate and humiliated mess!
I am supposed to call him tonight and we are supposed to get together and talk things out.
WHY would I? OMG wake up Jennifer! Wake up! You are so crazy you are tying this to yourself! INSANE!
About three years ago I had those very same thoughts. I alway hope I broke my back and could not move and my A would have to take care of me. There was a good bridge on the way to work. I would think if my car just went off this bridge it would look like an accident. Never did it to scared to leave my kid alone with an A as a dad.
Just wanted to add. My A been sober for over a year. I have never had those thoughts again.
Jen you are not sick or insane you are a typical Alanonic. A person that wants to fix everyone and everything at all cost, even our sanity. You have hope, you were smart enough to turn to Al-Anon to vent your problem and look for ESH from fellow codependent persons.
Working the steps will help you find healthy ways to deal with the daily filth in our lives living around addiction. Admitting our problems, believing and trusting in a HP to help us. You are not alone in this disease. Sober does not mean recovery. Nor does going to Al-Anon, but living Al-Anon does mean we are recovering. We are works in progress. Having thoughts of harming yourself tho, does indicate you could use some outside help possibly. Please keep coming back, you always have an open ear here at MIP.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hey, Jen. You are not alone. I think those kinds of thoughts are part of OUR disease. Last Oct., I made an off the wall comment to my counselor, on the phone, that I'd crash my car if it would start. W-r-o-n-g thing to say. Next thing I know there is an ambulance and policemen in the drive to take me to the mental ward. I was there for 4 days. Hub wanted a divorce (or so he said), he didn't even come and see me.Other patients had their wives, hubs come in the evening, but not mine. He didn't even bring me clothes until day #2. All I had was what I had on when the ambulance came. I cried until I busted a blood vessel in my eye. I gouged marks in my arms. It didn't change anything. We still almost got divorced even after I came home.
What finally changed? Me. I started Alanon, came here to the board and chatroom on New Years Day. He had left, I was alone. He came back, but things were still shaky. He left again. I cried a lot again. I read lots of books on A's. Grieved a lot, then finally gave him up to HP. One day, after 7 weeks, he called and asked very humbly if he could come home. Someone said something that changed his mind.
I am so grateful for Alanon, and this site. It literally saved my life. I do not know what HP has in store for us, but today, it is good.
Things are better today, even tho he is still drinking. I don't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I can get better.
I am taking care of myself, and leaving him to HP. I cannot make him well, no matter how I hurt myself.
All I can say is be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Go to meetings, come to chat. We are here for you. You will be OK.
The first thing I notice is that you're aware of your situation, and awareness is a key step to recovery. But, one thing that you do need to understand: this is not a substitute for going to real al anon meetings, getting a sponsor, joining a home group, and working the steps. The message board, the chat room, all these things are supposed to be "supplements" to an already existing program, or, for someone looking to establish a program.
Having said that, the next step it sounds like for someone who is in as desprate straights as you is consult a professional therapist. Call your primary care physician, and ask for a recommendation. Then, recommendation in hand, make an appointment! Then, GO! GO TO THE THERAPIST! BE HONEST WITH HIM/HER! Obviously if you're seriously wishing to die, you need to sort out your feelings with someone who is equipped to help you deal with this, and if necessary, evaluate you for perscriptive intervention (read: meds).
Again, this is not a therapy program! This website is designed for people with a pre existing program, looking to supplement their program, or those looking to establish a program, and needing help.
The only difference for me, was that MY sick & unhealthy "fantasies" about death were about my A dying, and not myself.
You are on the road to your recovery... you are realizing how sick you have become through all of this, and there IS a solution, and a cure.... I hope you can grab onto your recovery program with all your might right now.... It is far more important than "meeting with your A and sorting things out" - try re-reading your post, and asking yourself what kind of shape YOU are in, today, to possibly sort anything with anyone out???
Time to really take care of you Jen.... put yourself first, as tough as that sounds, and you will be better off for it.... Find whatever part of your recovery program that you need right now, and you will start to find some of the serenity you are longing for.... In my experience, you are NOT likely to find that serenity in your active A, certainly not right now...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
These are your words. You see the future clearly, but you are unwilling and unable to let it happen and go on with your life. Jennn, there is a full and rich life waiting for you there. Don't miss out on it by desperately clinging to what will never be. You deserve so much more. I tell you, more is waiting in the wings; waiting for you to grab it. Good luck, dear one. I don't know what else to say.
Always caring about you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
i remember comming into this program and finally being able to see how sick i ahd become and wanting to change immediatly. i mean now that i knew what was wrong and that i could change it then why couldn't i just do it? leave him, stop caring so much, just be healthy! but it took me a lifetime to become as sick as i was and unfortunatly i couldn't change me over night. i hated feeling the what i was feeling. it was overwhelming. it was more than uncomfortable it was unbearable. but i did get thru it. i am here on the other side and today i know that i don't ever have to go back there again. that awful dark place.we are not alone. we are so lucky. you are doing great. you are doing exactly what you need to do to get thru this. no matter what happens you will get thru this. nothing lasts forever. a feeling is just that--a feeling. we don't have to do anything about them. just feel them and let them go when we are ready. peace and love
HI Jen,
Other patients had their wives, hubs come in the evening, but not mine. He didn't even bring me clothes until day #2. All I had was what I had on when the ambulance came. I cried until I busted a blood vessel in my eye. I gouged marks in my arms. It didn't change anything. We still almost got divorced even after I came home.
