The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I caved. I called him, he SUPRISED me by answering on the second ring.
He told me he loves me, maybe not in the way that I love him, but HE loves me.
I told him I was leaving work and would stop by and see him...he said no. I said I am already 2 blocks from your house...he said he was leaving. He must have ran out the door, he was in his car pulling out of the driveway and I was pulling in. He told me I was "wierding him out" I said what the Hell? I just wanted to see you, actually see you, I have missed you, we havent seen in each other in almost 2 weeks! He told me he does love me, does not want to lose me completely, BUT and please read this bizarre statement
"I DONT LOVE YOU IN A SEXUAL WAY. THAT IS FOR SURE."
What in the F*CK?????? I asked do you love me like a sister? Like a sister you have been (vulgar) for the past several months and then stopped?
He asked me to call him tonight, so we can talk things out. I asked him what is the point. I am ready to let you go. I love you and will love you forever and I HATE IT. But I am ready to walk away.
He still wants me to call him.
YOU KNOW I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will rip me apart, because he is NOT going to answer. I am going to leave some desperate voice mail, or maybe call him repeatedly, and then BOOM, back to my obsessive fantasies.
When will I wake UP???? I started out so great today...now I am at work, typing letters to him that I never intend to send, reading these posts and creating this one.....OMG worthless. I should be fired. But, I am the manager and the only one in the office, so, I am so glad too cause I need this space and time.
Take a deep breath and relax for a minute. Can you go to a meeting instead of calling him tonight?
I wanted to pick up the phone today to call my A (my son but A just the same) but I went to the chatroom to ask for some esh and when I was finished I did not fight within myself to call or not to call. It was over. I did not call. I'm am not saying that I won't call later on but I am going to a f2f tonight and I hope that keeps me from calling again.
Take care Jenn. I can hear the panic in your post.
I know how you feel. If you kick a dog in the face everytime it comes near you. It will stop coming to you. How many times do we need to be kicked in the face? I know for me in my twenties I did not learn. In my thirties it was about 30 times and I was done. In my forties I put up with it only one time. Don't be like me. Don't waste your life chasing men who cannot give you what you need. You deserve better. You deserve to love yourself enough to not put up with abuse. Learn to say one word...NEXT!
Dear Jen - Good luck w/your struggles as I know what it feels like to be torn and rejected. My AH told me about 8 years ago that he loved me but wasn't "In Love" w/me any more. Turns out he was having a serious affair & wanted to leave me for another woman. We ended up working through that b/c I remembered the saying "Let the caged bird fly. If it returns, it is yours. If it doesn't return, it never was." He returned to me and I forgave him (though never forgot). Now I am not saying that this is your situation but maybe that little saying can help you get through those tough times. It sure helped me back then.
So Good Luck, Stay Strong & Remember We Are Here For You!!
You must know that I relate to you. Please oh please, hear me out...you are loved, here in this meeting place, by your Al anon family. You are addicted, and need to convince yourself that you are worthy of happiness. ONLY you can do this.
You are wanted here...you are loved...you are supported, and you can be YOU with us. Lean, and we will catch you....ask, and we will help you...to feel love when you don't think you are worthy. Fight each urge....look inside......feel your pain, and release it on these boards.....we are here for you...and are praying for God to fill you with peace and happiness.
Jennneeefffurrr!!!! How much banging your head against the wall are you willing to do for this man? He is trying his best to let you go. Listen...and hear!! As others said, this is a place where you can let your feelings out. We all care. I hope that you will come to realize that all of your actions are not going to make a difference that you will be happy with, but please learn to be happy with Jennneeefffurrr. Of course you must do things your way, but be prepared for the complete rejection that is bound to come. I do wish you well, and I always keep you close in my prayers. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I dont know your whole story - but I do know this: I was in almost the same situation as you where I finally was given the only wish I had ever had in my entire life - to be with the man I had been in love with for 10 years. I was never as happy as that moment - realizing he was finally with me!! That we had played this emotional up and down game long enough - and were finally together. Now after having left him 6 months ago in a hellish breakup of confusion and blaming myself for him "not loving me enough" after telling me the week before how much he WAS in love with me - I am starting to think - maybe he was never all that I imagined him to be for 10 years. I didnt know about his major drug problem - if I had never been with him in the way I was for almost a year of my life - I never would have known about it. He still would have been this wonderful, love of my life who noone could ever compare to. Now - he is a sorry sad excuse for a human being in my mind.
Go to a meeting tonight - fight the urge to call (believe me I know how hard that is!! The hope that somehow he will feel badly about what he said to you earlier will creep in - but the chances are you will be more disappointed than not).
