(((Hello Group)))

So much has happened in the last couple of days.  I'm exhausted but trying to stay focused on myself.  I'll make this as short as possible.  My A came home drunk on Sunday night from his new job and decided to call the girl he was seeing while we were separated.  This was the second phone call to her in two weeks.  This time he was not going to tell me about it.  I found out by pressing redial.  ( Woman's intuition).  I was so angry and hurt my thoughts were spinning but I knew I had been disrespected again, and I let him know if he couldn't respect me I'd respect myself.  I was ready to throw him out on his ear yesterday.  Angry as I was, all I could ask is why?  Loving someone so much and not understanding their behavior is so difficult.  His boss sent him home to work on things.

He said he has a conscious but not when he's drinking.  Then I let him know how angry his two best friends are with him over the rage that was witnessed by his best buddy towards me on Sunday afternoon to now finding out he's still slacking and calling a girl he has no business calling.  His best friends are not addicts, but they have protected my A from hitting rock bottom in the past.  They both recently bought him a brand new electric guitar for his birthday.  However, when they heard and understood that my A has been lying for months to them saying I'm the one causing all the problems and finding out he's the one with the problem and now about to abandon his family for some girl he barely knows, they both decided he didn't deserve the guitar.  If he left the home they knew the guitar would get pawned for alcohol and drugs, they didn't want that to happen.  After hearing how angry his friends were he said I had no idea they felt this way.  I really thought it was just you trying to control me and manipulate me. 

I let him know that I could no longer live with a man who is verbally abusive, gets drunk and calls woman he shouldn't be calling, not engage with his kids, and loses jobs left and right.  I realized how much more from a relationship I deserve.  I also let him know if he didn't get help his time with the boys would be limited for their protection.  He understood and grabbed the phone book and made an appointment with a male counselor to work on anger and his other issues.  He also went to a meeting last night for the first time in a year.  I've been down this road and let him know that if he's just going through the motions and telling me what I want to hear it won't work this time.  I will not walk another step unless he's serious about change. 

After the meeting he came home, the guitar was gone.  He flipped, he and his friends and I spoke about getting an intervention put together the day before, but then the last straw was the phone call to the girl.    His friends said Look get your crap together and you'll get it back.  They both expressed to him how he's screwing up his life and his family.  They were prepared to walk away from him forever if need be, and will if he can't stay in program and make the changes.  My A listened for the first time in his life.  Sad it wasn't me, but I don't care at least he heard what they had to say.  He told them that I'd been saying for years he had an anger problem and an alcohol problem, he said he just didn't see it until his two best friends were ready to walk out of his life.  He told them that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm working my program and doing great, he said now its time for me to work my program.  We shall see... I want to get happy, but I also have been through this four other times.  I want to be hopeful but I'm still hurt.  Getting sober doesn't mean everything will miraculously be great but maybe with individual counseling it could get better.  This morning he said he's hurting too because of the guilt and what he's put me through.  For the first time in our relationship I felt validated and understood.  For the first time I feel like maybe he saw a glimmer of the truth and denial came down a little bit.  He asked me to go to an open speaker meeting with him tonight.  I guess it can't hurt as I have not been in a long time. 

I know in my heart and soul that I cannot walk another step with him if he reverts back to drinking and walking around miserable.  I will sell the house if need be and move me and the kids to a new place to start over.  I'll get a job on Saturday's to make up the difference in income to make ends meet.  I know if he's using I won't get child support steadily and the kids won't see him much.  I'd rather he not come around at all if he can't make the comittment.  The one thing I know is that my HP wants me to be happy.  I'm happy when i work this program and think about my goals and my future.  I'm happy when I know I don't have to take abuse and lying, I can walk away and be fine.  I guess the only thing I can do for my A is release him and pray that the program "gets him" and he wants something that he hasn't ever had.  Recovery and a life with out chaos and drama.  Any other ESH on how to handle the first steps of sobriety would be appreciated.

Twinmom~