The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently sent a PM to a new member who thought maybe she was in the wrong place. Her husband is in recovery and she wants her marriage to work. She had stated that it seemed that the message on this board was to dump him.
I sent her a PM and she said that she wished someone would post a similar post on the board for newcomers like her who may have gotten the wrong idea.
So here it is:
When I first came to Alanon, I too thought the message was dump him. I was not ready to hear the real message.
Many people who are here have been here for very long, they have tried everything there is to try and some have found that getting out of their marriage was their only hope for sanity. Many others have found a way to live with their spouse’s alcoholism or recovery and gone on to lead wonderful happy lives. Alanon gives us the tools to make ourselves happy whether we stay or not.
Alanon only advises people to leave if they are in an abusive or dangerous situation. Otherwise it is suggested that we make no life altering changes for at least six months in the program. As in any group some people are cynics and believe happiness can never be found with an alcoholic. In reality happiness is not being found with the alcoholic, but with ourselves.
Some of our posts might seem full of anger, rage and resentment, sometimes even hate. The great part of this place is being able to vent those feelings in a safe place with people who understand and care. Living with active alcoholism or addiction is hard and no one understands better than people who are or have been in the same boat. Here we can learn from each other and heal together.
The biggest part that I have trouble with is the traditional marriage. Alanon teaches detachment, not depending on another person to make us happy and allowing each partner to lead their own lives, with no expectations. AA teaches the same thing. I grew up in a home where my parents support and depend on each other for everything. It was and still is a very loving situation. Unfortunately that is not possible in a relationship involving addiction. Life needs to be lived a different way. Alcoholics can be very selfish, whether active or in recovery. They need to be to either feed their disease or deal with it. They need to learn to depend only on their HP. AA for an alcoholic in recovery needs to become a lifelong journey, as does alanon for us. It is a different way to live, but it can be wonderful and fulfilling. Other people outside AA or Alanon might see it as strange.
It is very possible and you can find many instances on these boards where people thrive in recovery together. They learn to give each other the space to work their own programs and their marriages not only survive but also become stronger.
No one can or should tell another that they should give up their marriage. Alanon can give us the tools that can help make it work, if we want it to and help keep our families together and strong. It can also give us the tools to be strong and happy if we choose to leave our marriage or other relationship.
Alanon is not about the Alcoholic or the addict. It is about us the person who loves them. We are all here because someone we love is afflicted with this horrible disease and therefore we are as well. Alanon will help us be happy and well and heal, no matter what they do.
Your husband’s recovery belongs to him. You need to leave his recovery to him, and stay out of it. While he needs your love and support, he also needs room to discover how to stay strong and keep this disease in check. The best way to do this is to work your own program for you. Alanon can help you have what you need to encourage him and can in fact give you the tools to hold your family together, if that is what you choose.
If you find this place is not comfortable for you, there are others out there that you might be happier in. Please don't feel that Alanon stresses leaving. The family is very important, as is marriage. But it is a personal decision for each person. I myself love my husband very much. He is still active and has failed at recovery many times. I want very much for my marriage to work, and I haven’t given up on it yet. The only way to stay sane is to try and detach form his drinking and keep the focus on me, and our kids. (I try; don’t always succeed, but no ones perfect) When and if the day comes that I know I can’t stay in this marriage, I know I will know it. I also know because of this program that I will be okay, and I am strong enough to make it on my own, if I have to.
Good Luck to you both on your individual recoveries.
Thanks for your post Jeannie, I too have often felt the message in Alanon is to get out of the relationship. Most of my family and friends don't understand how I stay and keep things together. They do feel that the program is strange. My sister said yesterday how do you not depend on your partner for things. I simply said I depend on myself and give myself what I need and what he can't give me I find in Alanon and with like minded friends. I believe that when two people are committed to recovery and change things can work if they work at it hard. Other's choose to get out and that's o.k. too. It's a choice and what you make of it I agree totally.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thank you for this post. I'm new to all of this and some of the messages do seem a bit confusing - but this clarifies a bit. ("my" story is under "Newbie with a Question" post)
My DH and I had what I felt to be a good life, and good marriage for almost 20 years. We have both been fairly independent re: interests, friends, etc. But there ARE things you must depend on a spouse for, especially when kids are involved. We've always tried to balance responsibiliteis - bill paying, domestic chores, cooking, picking up/dropping off kids, etc. To me there HAS to be a level of trust that the other partner can be counted on to hold up their end.
Of course, when my DH was addicted, he let me & the kids down on everthing he had previously been so responsible & accountable for (but until recently I thought it was due to his depression/panic disorder). I feel stupid now that I didn't see the "red flags" sooner and realize this had to be something worse then mental illness (as if that isn't bad enough).
We had so many good years together - I most definitely want to maintain my marriage. And I do have hope that he will be successful in his recovery, and that we may even come out stronger then before. But I realize I may sound incredibly naive to those of you who have been here awhile... I guess only time will tell for me & my family.
I thank you for this topic -you shared wonderful experience, strength and hope and grateful you reached out to her. I can see why a newcomer to the Al-Anon message board may read separation and or divorce and perhaps misinterpret without knowing the principles of our program.
This is from our opening preamble
We who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us to find solutions that lead to serenity.
For me the mere thought of serenity has a sweet sound Welcome newcomers
It's like a meeting u go to your first one and are dissapointed , won't go back etc, I have found that usually i went with a pre concieved idea of what i wanted to hear and when i didn't I got ticked off . my really selfish stage.
reading your post i was reminded of a meeting a few months ago we had a newcommer a gentleman and our topic was Detachment with love. 12 people shared on thier experiences and how they were finally able to detach from their A using the program .
When it was his turn to share . he said well you just confirmed for me I made the right decission . I kicked her butt to the curb and told her to get out of my life. I almost fell off my chair , Where did he get that idea???????? again i was reminded that this is indeed a disease of perception.
This truly is a simple program for complicated people. Louise
Your post is a good one Jeannie, as yours always are. It is not the intention of AlAnon to have a person believe that he/she must give up on the marriage. It is a fact, however, that if one's spouse is threatening, beating, spitting upon, verbally abusing, and keeping the family broke, it only makes sense to ditch the marriage. I would never tell anyone who finds him/herself in those terrible conditions that AlAnon will give you the tools to be happy. That simply is not so. Blindly following along hoping for happiness living with a monster is not realistic. Certainly God didn't mean for anyone to remain in a violent relationship, which immediately comes to my mind when I hear a person use the words "for better or worse" as an ultimatum. Of course, it is not our place to play God either; only to offer another side of the coin.
Take care Jeannie. My thoughts are always with you and the children. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I would never tell anyone who finds him/herself in those terrible conditions that AlAnon will give you the tools to be happy. That simply is not so. Blindly following along hoping for happiness living with a monster is not realistic. Certainly God didn't mean for anyone to remain in a violent relationship, which immediately comes to my mind when I hear a person use the words "for better or worse" as an ultimatum. Of course, it is not our place to play God either; only to offer another side of the coin. Take care Jeannie. My thoughts are always with you and the children. Diva
Thanks Diva,
But in those situations Alanon can definately give the person the tools to be happy. Only with a strong program can a person become strong enough to realize that in that situation it is time to get out. God or HP most definately does not expect us to stay in an abusive situation. With the help of Alanon we can learn to really listen to HP and grow closer. Maybe then the cloud can lift and we can see the happiness we deserve and be strong enough to leave.
No it might not be our place to play God, but I agree with you, we do need to see both sides of the coin.
I agree Al-Anon is a win win no matter what. I happen to be one who is divorced from their alcoholic due to abuse. I am here not only because he is the father of our son I also grew up with alcoholism throughout my family, I need it for me. I was sharing on the importance of safety.
I have found an explanation in the front of How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics (one place I have seen this in our CAL Literature) that expresses the importance of safety first. It is a very validating read even years later for me. I will sum up a bit of it here because we aren’t to copy more then a few lines of our CAL Literature due to copyrighting. A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence (Preface ix) Al-Anon’s gentle process unfolds gradually, over time. But those of us facing violent, potentially life threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. - no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe. thank you again, wishes, t
Welcome newcomers