The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I find it difficult to know when to open my mouth and when to shut it. I'm not talking about in an arguement with my a I'm talking about just talking about stuff. I might have the opportunity for a new position at my school--becoming the music teacher. I'm very excited about it and very scared about it, I'm not sure what I should do, if the position were offered. I began to talk about it with him last night and things were going fine. Then I noticed him talking more negatively, not about me, but just about life. Before our conversation was over he had mentioned wishing he were dead, telling me I should just kill him and claim self-defense several times. I ended up just stopping talking to him because everything was just f--- it. I couldn't tell if he was saying that phrase just to get a rile out of me and fight with me with what. So I just turned over and tried to go to sleep. This morning before I left I wanted to talk to him. Just thinking about our conversation from last night breaks my heart. Neither of us are where we thought we would be in life--shoot I bet noone's life is what they expected, but he sounds so hopeless! I get extrememly down too, but I'm not sure what to say to him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and I believed in him and if he just kept plugging away things would work out. The truth is he doesn't want to "work" at life, he wants everything handed to him and feels like there has been a huge injustice if he doesn't get what he wants. I never know how to handle that. I feel like if I don't keep being his "cheering" section that his depression will be too much for him. I feel like if I say something, then maybe I am keeping him from hitting his lowest low--that which he needs to truly change his life. I just feel like I'm in a corner and I don't know what to say or do.
I ended up just telling him that I really hoped he had a better day today and that I love him. My heart is breaking though for the sadness he feels inside.
Should I have done something differently? What do you do when your a gets depressed?
(By the way he isn't working his program, thinks it just isn't for him--always makes excuses--will go to a meeting here and there, but isn't really open to it.)
My heart goes out to you. I can truly understand you trying to be the cheering section for you hubby. His depression and low feelings are just like the drinking though....you didn't cause it...can't control it...can't cure it.
I always try to be that for my son. It does not change anything. I grew up with an A father. I had alot of problems through my married life with depression, low self esteem, fear, anxiety. I always needed something to obsess over and worry about. I was never happy. I have issues around food obsession. My husband was always there to try and help me through all this. He could not! This was something that I had to take control of. I wish he could have done something.
What I am trying to convey is that I was an adult. I did not run to my mother to be my cheering section. The only thing I could do...and am still doing...is find ways to take care of myself. I have been sick and tired of being sick and tired for a very long time. It has taken many years for me to start to find some peace in my life. I have never given up. It will be lifelong whether my A son gets into recovery or not. He has to be the one to decide that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nothing that I say to him or do for him is going to make him come to that decision.
I didn't mean to rant on but I can feel your pain. I hope you can let it go and let his HP take care of his addiction and his depression. Maybe he has to go through this to hit his bottom.
I too have those kinds of talks with my AW. It is very hard to know what to do. My opinion is that you did great offering him some hope for a better day and reassurance that you love him. What else can you really do?
He will choose to take that and build on it... or not. My AW has calmed down a bit and is trying to accept the fact that I am not going to quit going to my meetings. But, we took a nice trip to the coast and bought a new boat... so is it acceptance or just simply a calm from being intertained?
Who knows... She got upset 2 nights ago while watching the Simpsons...
Homer got a DWI and had to go to "Alconon" LOL Funny thing is she was upset but didn't really say anything about it to me. You see Marge asked Homer to stop drinking for 30 days. He really had a hard time with it (in true Simson style). She turned the TV off when Homer shared in his meeting that he wanted a beer soo bad that he ate the dirt under the stands at the baseball field.
She told me last night that the show upset her because I expect everyone around me to change because their drinking upsets me. Huh... I thought she was upset because Homers pitiful reliance on alcohol made him do stupid things.
I told her it was just a cartoon. What else could I say?
I hope things come easier for you, but I think you did great!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I too stand in your shoes. It feels so unfair that I am open to my A anytime he wants to talk about his life or feelings, yet anytime I need to talk about something stressful, i.e., finances, our business, it is either too much for him to handle, or he turns it around to be about him and how it affects him. I am left out in the cold with my feelings. Recently my AH went on a very small dose of Zoloft and it seems to be helping a lot. I am also trying to preface a conversation with a summary of what I want to discuss and tell him that I don't intend to upset him, I just have a decision to make, thought to share. Lastly, I have actively sought out a couple of close and trusted friends with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings.
I realize this seems like a lot of work just to have a conversation, but the results have been worth the effort. It has been easier for me to plan a conversation and have a positive result than not plan and face "the wrath," or, just talk to someone else.
Jeez, this sounds depressing after rereading it! I hope some of this helps!
it does sound depressing (babysteps), but I know it's true. The conversations I start after kind of telling him what I need to talk about go better--although sometimes I do have to remind him the conversation isn't about him, I need him to just listen (sometimes he can do that, sometimes not). What depresses me the most--is that I wanted a marriage where I can share everything with my spouse--good and bad, be supportive and be supported. I do know that I can only make myself happy. Yes I am codependent and I have to work on that, but letting dreams die--what you thought life was, or was going to be is very hard. I know that once I let go of those dreams (maybe I shouldn't think of them as dreams but irrationalities) life really will be better--I will be able to just accept what is and be happy for the bonus time, love, laughter I get from my time with my husband, but until I get to that point I will hurt (but maybe it will get less and less.)
after reading through my words--it may sound like I'm upset with what was said by others--but I'm not--it's just trying to work out feelings and thoughts in my head!!!
