The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sitting here waiting for my lawyers office to open. It's hard at 6AM with not much to do and trying to be fairly quiet to not wake the house to sit and be nervous. I know logically what I am doing is right. There was a letter in the mail the other day when I stopped home, to the family of my AH ... since it was addressed to the family I opened it. It's a letter from his work, he has been terminated, insurnace info, and a letter saying his retirement fund needs to be liquidated or moved. Feeling like a greedy b#### but fact is half of those benefits are mine, and after not hearing from him this wekend with the whole money for bills thing I would be dumb not to protect myself ... right? So why am I feeling like a traitor? Taking care of myself and finances being more important than his well being at the moment is logical considering my kind of help would only hurt him right now. Not to mention hurt me too.
I guess my big fear is of him not liking me anymore. We've been friends since I was 14. He says best friends, but I know better I have been a best friend to him. But he has not been one to me. When I think of it now, even as teens my house and myself was used by him whenever the rest of his life was unbearable as a place to hide out, from angry girlfriends, parents, when he didn't want to go to a party. At the time and even more recently I thought it was because he enjoyed the time we spent together, but I am seeing it differently now.
So at this point why is it even important whether or not he likes me or not? I have the choice to look at myself as a greedy b and take care of myself and our investments, or a sa victim and do nothing, if I can step outside the situation maybe I can see that I am a person doing what is needed in a hard situation without labeling myself anything. Now how to cope with my fears of being labeled by others ... that's a whole new issue.
The time is getting closer, I pray my HP can make this easy on me today. Please give me the strength to do what is best for me.
You will be in my prayers today. Going to the lawyer and protecting my rights to our savings by filing for divorce was very difficult emotionally.
What others think of you is none of your business.
Keep reaching out. Your A is sick. Mine is much too sick to do the correct things with money and his life. As the "sober" person in the situation it was my obligation to do the next right thing
In recovery
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
You are not greedy. You are looking out for the future of you and your family.
Try not to feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong, and Megan is right, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. The money is half yours and your husband can obviously not be trusted to do the right thing financially for his family. It is part of the disease.
I had someone in program share this thought with me. It was not advice, or even the suggestion of what I should do, it was put out there for me to think about. This person said "you can wait to protect yourself, but because this is a progressive disease, you can literally wait untill you have no options."
Sometimes, I find fear/guilt holds me back from doing what is in my best interest.
I agree with the other posts , take care of your share protect it at all costs and if you don't sever the relationship no harm done. Just do the next "right " thing . Louise
Thank you all for your support and prayers. They helped more than anyone could know. HP is busy at work here.
My attorney is walking me through the process at no charge until if and when I need big guns, the papers are filed. I am protected against any damage etc he may cause.
I stopped by the house to make sure the cats have food and he was there, so was his paycheck in the mail. I can pay the bills for now.
He said he missed me, I would have said the same thing but I do not know who he is anymore. Instead I asked if this was what he really wanted ... No. So I asked if he was ready to do the work that was needed to stay together ... No. I said thank you for your honesty and that I am sorry for being part of the problem and left it at that.
I'm glad it was easy to talk and walk out of there for me today. I'm glad filing the papers was easy. I didn't break down until after I left the building.
I'm angry that my Mom and other family (who I know are trying to make me feel better) say it will get better. Yes it will but it is now and it is not better. It's like I am supposed to be happy about this. I am not. I do not even want a divorce, I just can not live with being lied to by someone I do not know anymore if I ever did. She said she was happier, my Dad was happier being divorced ... well maybe but not the way I see it. They are both in less than happy marriages and quite frankly probably like one another better than their spouses now.
And the topper to this all is this ... my Mom wanted to see other men, and my Dad wanted to use drugs when they divorced, my AH wants to use drugs and is willing to divorce over it. I had everything I wanted in life except honesty and am now willing to let it go because of it. But I can not say there is anything I wanted more than what I had, I was comfortable but my head won the battle I spoke of in an earlier post.
I have a million ideas in my head of what I could do with my life now. None of them feel exactly right, I am willing to be patient until my HP leads me in the direction I am meant to go. And for now just be as miserable as I feel .... I'll fake it when I need to and not hide my feelings when I need to be miserable LOL that may not make sense in words but it does in my thoughts.
Anyway thanks for listening and all your support, it's hard for me to ask for anything, I'm getting lots of practice recently. Now I am gonna go have a little pity party for myself so I can be happy afterwards. <big hugs to all>
