Does growing stronger make you NUMB ? - Al-Anon Family Group

Tammy · Senior Member

Does growing stronger make you NUMB ?

sandie123 · Senior Member

Tammy~

I can't tell you if growing stronger makes you numb but I can relate to the feelings you are talking about. I have those feelings and I know I am stonger than I was 6 months ago.

Hang in there and good luck!

Linda

kent_s · Veteran Member

That is a hot button for me, the word "numb".

What is it that you label "numb"? When you and I go through this ping-pong struggle that is our lives, what do we actually feel when it is feeling "numb"?

"My husband asks... I don't have a response." How many questions can we take before we just run out of energy to consider another? And if I give a modest smile and shrug my shoulders, does it matter if I've grown or if I'm confused?

Can we have space for both possibilities and neither?

I'm quietly surprised lately at how many of those questions are not being asked again and not leading to a fight. And when I don't fight and don't disappear into another room (afraid of another fight), just hang there in neutral, it seems that asking me a question might be a calm way for my A to just be with me.

I don't know the answer to your question.

-K

(disclaimer: if they are saying there is a fire and where is the fire extinguisher, we should try to answer the question.)

kent_s · Veteran Member

Just a quick extra note about "NUMB". I highly recommend this book to anyone at MIP. Deep personal and professional insights, even includes extensive exercises we can do. You can get the book on-line, like amazon.com, but I haven't seen it in stores.

Miriam Greenspan
Renowned Psychotherapist and author of A New Approach to Women and Therapy
Excerpt from
Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair

The problem with fear is not that we feel it but that we don’t feel it. Fear-avoidance and psychic numbing are common ways of handling fear in a culture that continually triggers this dark emotion and yet shames us for it. When we are numb to fear, we are oddly unhappy.

Again, this idea seems to have it backward. Isn’t this the age of anxiety? Don’t we all walk around fearful? And doesn’t our fear get in the way of love, freedom, and happiness?

We can’t heal what we don’t feel. The alchemy of fear is out of reach until we can learn... how to feel our fear. When we don’t know the contours of our fear, when we can’t experience it authentically or speak about it openly, we are more likely to be afflicted with anxieties and phobias, panic, obsessive-compulsion, psychosomatic ills, and all kinds of controlling, destructive, and violent behaviors. Those of us who don’t know how to feel our way through the real fears that haunt us, or who are not threatened by the immediate, in-your-face fears that plague millions of people on earth—fears of starvation, war, homelessness, disease, pervasive violence—have replaced the alarm of authentic fear with the host of “anxiety disorders” that have become epidemic in our time.

The link above is to her website, where there are extensive excerpts on-line.

I realize this is like an advertisement, but it's really just a strong recommendation. I think it is very appropriate for people with problems that are common to alanons. I've read the whole book and it was a wonderful experience, much lasting help. I'm going to reread it again this summer.

-K

quest · Veteran Member

hi tammy, (((((hugs))))). i have been separated from my a since feb. but we are going to couciling and i also see him other nights when he comes over for dinner with myself and/or the kids. we also have been married almost 20 years (19.5) and have teenage children. he too started drinking as a teenager and comes from a family of alcoholics. i too have been surprised and also feel bad (guilty?) that i seem to have lost my feelings about him. i can be kind when he is having a hard time, but mostly i am just relieved when he is not around. so much more peace without him. when i think long term i too get sad, we were supposed to grow old together. but on a day to day basis i am doing just fine. thanks for your share. i could really relate to what you are talking about. - quest

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.