The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my AH wants a divorce. He told me from prison. Its not that Im that upset, I just feel so crappy being rejected by such a loser. Whatever. I am pretty sure Im not that upset because we have been thru this routine before and its hard to believe its true but maybe it really is.
If it is, I am sure I will be devestated and heartbrokene and suicidal and terrified but right now, I couldnt care less. I am just glad he is in jail.
But he wants his stuff back. I said I would-but there is NO WAY i will give anything back to him. After what he has put me thru? i dont care what he says about me when he gets out(well I do actually) but I am so pissed that he is such a narsisstic f**head as to think ANYONE is going to want him. And he is giving me up because we "fight". When he gets out he will be a A 45 year old convicted felon on paroll, with no job, no bank account, no credit, no money, no car, no liscence, lives at his moms, and he is leaving me?????: a pretty, smart, 32 year old student from a good family with a nice apartment, a job, a car, savings...I should be saying good riddens(spelling?).
But I know I sound angry and my sponsor is out of town til tomorrow so I am not very healthy Im sure. I dont know what Im even writing about. It just helps to get it out. Kind of like inventory.
Ill probably miss him and be really sad for a while and than Ill realize how much better off I am. I guess i am in the future too much. One Day at aTime. Its so hard, so powerless when he is in jail. He is going somewhere today with no phone for the next few months. After that, State prison. What a loser! Why do I love him? My mom is turning over in her grave.
I am not sure what state you are in or the A is in but I presume you can get divorced from jail. Have you thought he is just saying that to dump on you and make you feel bad. After all when you get divorced it is just about filing paper. You do not have to ask for a divorce anymore.
I have spent the past few weekends really working on how I have been dumped on, passive aggressively sabataged, blamed for stuff that I did not do and more. Some of it is by my family of origin but of course I come to the A. Needless to say I know that the A has been able to play me like a piano most of our relationship. Only now do I stop being overinvolved and hyper reactive to his stuff.
Now if one of his friends comes around looking for money he owes them I do not answer the door. Admittedly I cloak it in I am too tired and not dressed to answer the door. I am not being wedge inb etween his friends, his mother his anyone any more. I am not setting myself up. Of course I do not tell him that. I tell him I am not dressed. I tell him I do not know anything and therefore am not talking to his friends.
I know full well what it feels like to be rejected by the A. I felt I came last in his life for ever. What I realised is that I was making myself last in my life. I was jumping every time he said jump and he was getting something out of my over reactions. I do not give that to him anymore. I am in control of my emotions and my life. He is not.
Are there still things that really upset me about him. Sure thing. The issue is that they no longer control me and stop me from doing what I need to take care of me. Before there was only room for his choas, his needs, his view, his stuff. Now there is much more room if only the majority of the room for my stuff there. There is room for him and his life but it takes up a fraction fo what it did and it does not control me or dominate me in any way. I know he can crash, get arrested, mess up his credit, have a fight with someone anytime. He has done all that and more in the time we were together. The issue is that the fear of that happening no longer grips me. It may happen it may not. If and when it happens I deal with it. I am better at dealing with things now. Would I prefer not to deal with it. Sure. Do I hate myself for having dealt with it int he past as I once did. Nope. Do i think it reflects on me that I had to deal with it. Nope.
Do I plan to make sure I do not have to deal with it in the future. Yes. But I also know that this is a process it is not an event that is one day over and it is action and the process that will get me out of the "mess" not by beating myself up and making it a crisis.
I do hope that you will make use of this board, the chat room and the meetings to be kind to yourself. Not need to hate yourself because you loved a man who is self destructive. No need to say that your mother would be shocked at what you are dealing with. I think your mother would be glad that you are reaching out for help and taking care of yourself. There are lots of tools out there for dealing with the self destructive behavior of an addict, one of them is this group. I hope you avail yourself of as much as you need, therapy, help, the chat room this board, a sponsor, use all of it and know your are worthy of being cared for and liked and understood.
Let him have it, give him the damn divorce and give yourself peace....do it while he in in jail and can't fight you for one thing.
addicts are plain and simple assholes, they are self-centered and think of no one else except for what makes life easier when living with the mistress (addiction)....I have always call it that because the addiction gets all the money. all the time and ever took your husbands freedom....
Sometimes you just have to put the gloves down, get out of the ring and say enough!!!!
