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Hi everyone I have been reading the board all weekend as it helps me stay in reality. Although my AH isn't as bad as some I have read about, the cycle of disappointment,despair and anger has been apart of my life for too long. This weekend has been stressful for me not because he is drinking but because he isn't. This leads me to doubting myself as to the source of the problem. Is it me? too need..too controling..too unforgiving. I know the answer is no but I struggle anyway. I have kindly rejected his attempts to get "close" both physically and emotionally because I feel like I would be setting myself up for another round of disappointments. It is like I do not want to let my guard down...I am sure you all know what I mean
Soooo MY problem (because I now understand this is all about me changing) is how do I detach from the pain his drinking causes and connect with him at the same time? All of us who post on this board seem to have a tremendous capacity to love...we love with all our being...Are we suppose to love alittle less inorder to survive? Are we suppose to love ourselves alittle more? Is this what separates us from those who do not marry an A...do others put themslves first? Is this what we are trying to learn? WOW I have always considered myself an intelligent person...I help people everyday in my job....how can it be I am so confused ...I am smiling as I write this because I know that all of you who read this understand...I am grateful for the existence of this site.....PS I did go to a meeting this weekend,,,I know I need work.....Today I will try to let it go...and try not to over analyze..I will read the board and literature for inspiration. hugs to all
Hello, I'm so glad you are here. It does sound as if you are in the right place. I, too, am very smart and help others all the time, but when it came to me, I didn't have a clue about how to take care of myself. Alanon really helped me with my life, with beginning to learn about me, to stop analyzing the actions of someone else, and to discover my own feelings and boundaries, to feel good about me. Please find a face to face meetings. Something happens in those meetings that can't happen anywhere else. When I worked with a sponsor, I really started to get better in Alanon. The 12 steps are amazing, they really changed my life. I am working them again now, and I am learning new things about myself. The Program works, if you work it. thank you for your honesty in your sharing. That helps me work my own program. Blessings, mebjk
Boy! At my other program this morning (Church ) the topic was love. And we were asked to look at the people sitting around us...and then whether or not we could say we loved them. We were then further asked to do it! LOL. Well you know what? I could answer yes. One of these people was my mother, so that was an easy one for me, but the others were basically strangers to me. But I still felt love for them, in the same way that I feel love for all of my al-anon recovery buddies! A special kind of love.
Can we love too much? IMHO no. But I do think you hit on a good point about loving ourselves. We need to put ourself on that list, and at least make ourselves equal to those around us that we love; such as our spouses, children..family.
We need to focus on ourselves, and our part in those negative feelings we might be having. And if we need to do for ourselves for a while, to work on dealing with whatever issue we might be having, we should hope that those around us would give us the same love and patience as we would extend them if we knew they were having a difficulty of some kind. If they don't understand and appreciate this, well...too bad!
It doesn't negate our feelings! We have to put ourselves first sometimes, in order to be able to be the best person we can be for ourselves and for those we love. And I certainly agree that sometimes we just have to protect ourselves.
Takes me back again to that image of being on the plane and the oxygen masks dropping down. We need to put that mask on our own face first!!!! Then we can be there to try to help others. Doesnt mean we can save the whole plane, but at least we are suited up for duty and are trying to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
I know what you mean about feeling your A is not as bad as other A's and worrying that you are overreacting or controlling. Of course that is what an A and the disease wants you to believe. I am told by my A that the source of our problems isn't the drinking. At times I have believed this and only recently really came to fully accept that the drinking has devastated our relationship.
My A seems to have stopped drinking for over a month on his own with no program. Of course this is great, but he is still insisting on separating. A month is nothing compared to a lifetime. The fact that he stopped drinking sometimes makes me question my analysis and judgment, but his behavior since I have put my foot down on the drinking has confirmed he has a serious problem.
I guess we just have to learn to trust ourselves in spite of this baffling disease. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
David's post to the group reminded me of how hard it has been to learn to even like myself. I grew up in a tremendously dysfunctional family that was violent and abusive. I learned to internalise that voice very very well. Pretty much the reason I was attracted to the alcholic was that he said nice things about me. I could not feel nice things about me so I gravitated towards those who offered something. I felt I was nothing so those who felt I was something were positive for me. Eventually of course the nightmare unfolded with the A of control, sabatage and undermining me to get what he wanted. I know now that he is not really that interested in what I want.
The issue is that i could not spot that in the first place. When i began my relationship with him 6 years ago I had no idea what healthy was. I had no idea what I needed, wanted desired or even had boundaries about. This relationship has brought me to al-anon and that has been a blessing. I doubt the relationship will survive al-anon because my boyfriend certainly does not want sobriety. He has dry spells like the one he has now but that is also part of his alcholism and his denial (I have no problems).
He was aghast the other day when I told him that when I went to counselling I do not talk about him. He thought he was the center of the universe of course. Naturally I do not discuss what I do indeed talk about in counselling which is "me". I remember it well the days when I was in constant crisis around something he had done or said and was almost suicidal over the thought of being out of this relationship. Now it seems very very logical that in time this relationship will not work for me and leaving is inevitable. How far al-anon can take you from a suicidal panic to being able to take care of myself (albeit in the very early stages of doing that) to eventual recovery. I look forward to my life ahead. I dreaded it before. I thought life was a burden, now I believe it is an exploration and a journey that I am part of rather than feel it is visited on me.
Needless to say I have many many things to do on that journey and some of them include cleaning my house (needless to say the A does none of that) but right now I can be content that I am in recovery rather than looking at others in recovery and wondering will that ever be me.
) the topic was love. And we were asked to look at the people sitting around us...and then whether or not we could say we loved them. We were then further asked to do it! LOL. Well you know what? I could answer yes. One of these people was my mother, so that was an easy one for me, but the others were basically strangers to me. But I still felt love for them, in the same way that I feel love for all of my al-anon recovery buddies! A special kind of love.