The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something I read in a post has started me thinking.We know the A's are addicted to alcohol,but what are alanons addicted to? To the a's? Maybe not......
I had a friendship with a woman where I work that lasted about 8 years.I had just gotten back together with my AH after a short separation when I became friends with her.She was single at the time.When the friendship began we were both unhappy.She was in love with a married man and I was in an unhappy marriage with my A.So we sort of commiserated I guess.Not a good way to form a friendship in my opinion.Anyway,because of my isolation we did not get together much outside work until about 5 years ago when we ended up in the same department.We went to lunch together,took breaks together,our cubicles were next to eachother,we talked off and on throughout the day.Went to seminars together,etc.She got married and we even got together as couples.I had become what I now call my 'caricature'.That is the version of myself that became whatever I thought other people wanted me to be.My caricature was silly,fun to be around,willing to put aside what she wanted for whatever you wanted.The A's in my life loved my caricature.Most people did.
But one day I got tired of listening to this friend's favorite music and pretending I liked it.Tired of going to seminars that didn't interest me.Tired of laughing at things I didn't really think were funny.She would read a book and give it to me to read.And I would.She liked certain music and thought I did too so she would loan me cds.She'd rent a movie and think it was good and bring it to work for me to watch.I finally rebelled.The caricature died.I started wanting to be real,the real me.Then I started finding fault with her.I became obsessed.I couldn't stop thinking and talking about all her faults.While I was focused on her,I was leaving my AH alone.We got along great during that time.But I was miserable.I finally had to end the friendship to get her out of my head.I do not like her and I never should have pretended I did.Focus went back to A,now we are separating again.
So I guess my point is,after I leave my AH will I get obsessed with other people?Will I get focused on all their faults and try to change them as I have done with my A? Is this MY addiction? A's drink to bury themselves.They do not like themselves and cannot face dealing with themselves.(this is what I have been told) Well, I am the same am I not? Except that my 'substance' is other people.If I can focus on ANYONE but me I can bury myself just as my A buried himself in alcohol.So maybe I don't need an alcoholic to be focused on,they just make it so easy.
I know people are going to say as long as I keep working my alanon program I will be able to stay focused on me,not others.Sort of like the A working the AA program and staying off the booze? Is this a light bulb moment for me or am I totally off the mark?
This is a very interesting post, and one i too have thought about.
Besides nearly completing a MS in psychology, I have also done a lot of research into the psychology of addiction and co-dependency.
Basically I have come to the conclusion that living with an alcoholic changes us to the extent that we learn unhealthy and abnormal ways of interacting with people. That only makes sense as we are interacting with an abnormal and unhealthy person. We become so accustomed to abnormal ways of interating that we "forget" how to interact normally around normal people.
We learn to squelch or ourn wants and prefernces to keep the peace and give in to the "trantrum maker' which an alcoholic usually is. We learn that to keep thigns peaceful and livealbe we need to give in to what the crazy person wants to stay happy.
This becomes a way of life.
There is a part of us that rebels against that, but since we live with our alcoholics we are often stuck in that mode and are to afraid of the consequences and rages from our alcoholic if we try to cahnge.
With friends, we do what we are used to doing, sqeulching ourselves and our preferences as that is familiar and comfortable. However, the day comes when we realize that we don't HAVE to act this way with a friend. Our part of our brain that retains our true identity realizes that with a friend it is SAFE to be ourselves. We can be ourselves and thigns don't have to fall apart like it does with the crazy alcoholic.
Sometimes when that day comes, we blame the friend for us having squleched our true selves, although it was not their fault. We blame them like we did our alcholic. Without realizing that the friend was really an innocent bystander to our simply playing out our "normal" habits of interacting with people we learned with our alcoholic.
Sometimes friendships dont' survive this revelation. The friend is faced with what seems like a personality change and can't deal with what the true person is really like.
I can understand that when you faced up to your discomfort with your friend, that you got along great with your husband during that time. You were maybe "projecting" or applying all of the rage and resentment for your husband onto your friend, as you realized that you were interacting the same way towards her as your husband. Not realizing that she had nothing to do with hit, you were only doing what comes naturally to you when you live with an alcoholic.
I don't think you are doomed to act this way with your friends. I like to think that once you separate from your aclcoholic and get some counseling and surround yourself with healthy people that you will once again REMEMBER how to interact with normal and healthy people. You will get rid of old bad habits and remember your healthy ones.
I try to have a balanced cirlce of friends. Some of them have alcoholic husbands, and some don't. I would not want all of them to be in alanon, or struggling with home misery. I want to be able to practice normal interactions with normal and healthy people so I don't forget what they are like.
Of course, isolation comes with the territory when you live with an alcoholic. Most of my normal and healthy friends have either been scared away by my husabnds dysfucntion or he has purposely driven them away. But, I keep in touch with some friends through email and phone calls, to keep them away from my husband. Once in a while I sneek out to see them too, LOL.
Drucilla, you have learned some unhealthy ways to interact with a sick person. Did you know that this is NORMAL and HEALTHY? Learning to adapt to your environment is an important skill to have. Now that you are leaving the abnormal and unheatlhy environment of living with a sick person, you can work on shedding these adaptive skills that once served a useful purpose. You will find that leapord never really changes their spots, LOL, I am sure that underneath you will still have retained all of your normal and healthy interactive skills, and only needed to give them a chance to be practiced with normal and healthy people.
Did you become friends with the lady to escape your life at home with the AH? Under normal circustances you said, you don't even like her......So could your reason for wanting a friend outside of the home be because of inside your home????
I became addicted to my hubs life while living with addiction......You are in a constant process of worry, fear and anger....who would not want to excape this???
Truth is we can only take care of our own serenity.........
I can absolutely relate to your post. And I do think it is and AH HA moment. I realize today that I am/have been deeply affected by this disease all of my life. As a result, I have a ton of "isms" and that it does not matter who I am dealing with, they can come out. The 12th step comes to mind for me. "....and to practice these principle in all our affairs" Why would those words be there if the only place we needed to apply Al-Anon was in our relationship with the alcoholics in our lives? The behaviours/isms become a way of thinking, a way of doing things, we no longer apply these things to the alcoholic but to many areas of our life. In becoming healthy we learn to change those behaviours, to do things differently, to live the program in many areas of our lives.
The alcoholic is rarely talked about in my f2f meetings. The program is for us and I have been blessed with a group that has a lot of recovery. With people that are "practicing the principles in all of their affairs" I realize today that I have a responsibility to myself to get healthier, it would be a lot easier to just remove the alcoholic from my life and go on, but I believe that Al-Anoners can be "dry" just like the alcoholic that simply stops drinking. Without a program that is all encompassing in my life, without taking a honest look at myself and how I got here, I will simply replace the alcoholic with another one or other unhealthy relationships. Again, I compare it to the alcohlic who is dry, inevitably their drug of choice is replaced with another one, the behavior, the patterns are not changed therefore nothing REALLY changes.
Thanks for the topic, it is great reminder to me that the alcoholic in my life only gives my disease the opportunity to play itself out, the reality is that I must practice the principles in all my affairs to truly be on the road to recovery.
Oh dru, I can relate to this post. I was friendly with a woman for several years. She sang opera as I did. We had music in common, but not really much else. I tried to like her for years, but I became annoyed at her, perhaps because I was annoyed with myself for hanging onto a friendship that was not real. She came to San Antonio because she had no other "family" except my husband and I. Bad move. It all came to a head here after she began regarding me with rudeness which became more and more frequent. I finally broke off the friendship and have not spoken to her in several months. I see her house is for sale. I will be happy to see her go from around the corner. I was someone else for this woman; not myself. She was short-sighted and narrow-minded, and finally I woke up and saw the relationship for what it was.
I don't know if that is a trait amongst any particular people. I rather think it is something that happens when we rebel and finally need to be ourselves.
Diva, finally feeling free to be me!!
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
There is a part of us that rebels against that, but since we live with our alcoholics we are often stuck in that mode and are to afraid of the consequences and rages from our alcoholic if we try to cahnge.
That is so true. Your insight is good! Consider going a step further: I am afraid of how I will feel about the consequences and rages from our alcoholic if we try to change. That is actually the show stopper for me, I can bear them more than I can bear my own dread. Like Dru suggests, I am addicted to not feeling that pain again and I'll do even the next "least destructive" thing in order to avoid what I imagine feeling.
thank you ... posts like these help me to look at things in a different way, which is so key for me. i think hp is working in these posts somewhere, so thanks, dru, for getting it started.
Hello Dru , well to me your bang on. husband friends kids co workers , really dosent seem to matter somehow my brain tells me that I know what is best for them . WRONG !!!!
Playing God seems to be a really good way for me to not look at myself. So I have vowed to give it up . Working this program keeps me enjoying my day as long as I can mind my own business , which most days works.
As you can see I don't have this down pat yet but continue to work on it on a daily basis , which is why today I know why I have to keep commin back this is a program for living and i intend to live alittle while longer. I like you came here obsessed with myhus the alcoholic , figure out I couldn't save him but seemed to forget about other people so I chaned the words powerless over the alcoholic to powerless over people places and things. and daily reading of the paragraph on acceptance from the big book of AA reminds me MYOB
