The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to a friends "basement" last night, a bar, for an hour.
I had to drive past, well didnt HAVE to, my A's place. His car was in the carport, but I could tell noone was home. I only cried a little bit.
Then, on my way there, I think I passed him driving an unfamiliar car, with a female in the passenger seat.
I did not react, hit my brakes, or fall to pieces.
I dont even know that for sure it was him, maybe I was so desperate to SEE him period that I was seeing him only with my crazy goggles on.
I am in shambles. I had a nice time, for the hour I was there with my friend. Tonight I may go back, live Bluegrass music.
All I want is my A. I can fake having a nice time, laughing, smiling, being friendly and interested in conversations...but I know all I will think of is how I wish my phone would ring, or I would recieve a text from him OR he would show up at my place.
I have this fantasy in my mind that HE knocks on my door in the middle of the night, and collapses in front of me, wraps his arms around me and lays his head on my stomach, tells me he is so sorry, he is going to go back to AA meetings and get sober, he loves me and cannot live without me, and then, well, I guess we live happily ever after....I really dreamed out that fantasy last night laying on my couch, no TV or anything, just a blank existence.
How is it that reasonably sane, to be that obsessed with one person?
My HOPE is that the Lord is going to release me from this pain and agony, either give him back to me or strip the desire for him from my heart.
I am with you - have been there for quite a while now. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I do know that you and he are where you need to be right now. There is a plan and in your HP's time will be reveiled. Just know that you are in my prayers. Put your faith in your HP and turn your focus to your recovery.
I am reading a book called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. The subtitle is "When you keep wishing and hoping he'll change" The book is over 20 years old. If the subtitle had been the title, I might have found this book a long time ago, because THAT is what my problem is, and I think your problem is too. I never would have said that I loved too much.
Anyway, I have done PLENTY of therapy, been in Alanon for 4 years and read tons of self help books, not to mention 2 years of graduate school in Clinical Psych - and AT LAST this dumb little paperback book has hit on a topic that has tormented me since I was old enough to feel attracted to a "edgy" man, or bored or creeped out by a "nice" guy. The book was recommended to me by somebody over on the ACOA message board.
One of the nuggets of wisdom that I have gleaned so far, is that people like me feel "a feeling" when we meet these guys who are so very hurtful, and it feels intense, so we think it's love. But it's really something more like a high or an obsession. It becomes an addiction when we realize it's hurtful, and yet we keep craving more. And pop culture (music and movies) reinforce out mistaken belief that this what what love feels like. We accept the notion that love hurts. When actually, love is something completely different.
I haven't experienced that yet. But I am finally feeling hopeful that I will one day. I hope you will too. Good luck to you.
Jen for me, I realized it was not that I loved him so much. It was: I loved how "I" loved him, how I cared, did for, was always there, considerate, loving, creative in the b room, the feeling "I" had about him.
Was never him really, after his brain surgery. I realized the man I did love how HE was, was dead. They killed him when they opened his head.
I know the horrible pain you feel. I learned the Lord or my hp gives ME the skills to make things better. It does not just happen, we have to make it happen.
We really look at what we need and want. Take care of you. Great you are going out. Sometimes we do have to pretend, sooner or later it will be real.
I would go to the humane society and walk the dogs on Sunday. takem and lay in the grass and cry while I brushed them. Knew they needed me.
Hp teaches us lessons and sometimes it hurts big time. Maybe you will always love your A, but you will come to terms with the fact that he is not healthy for you and being addicted to an A is horribly unhealthy.
I didn't think that horrible anxiety would ever go away. Prevacid helped a lot...
Deep breathing helped. When you breath in, breath in deep and raise your abdomen. Drop your elbows like they are heavy.
The self talk of fantasies can be changed. It is up to you. You can say, "stop" and put in whatever you want. Put in I want to plant some flowers or just put in roses in your mind. We can control what goes thru our pretty heads.
also I just noticed something else. If you keep saying, "all I want is my A" then you cannot move past it. You won't get well becuz you are fighting against wanting to stop loving him. Does that make sense? You are fighting your self.
Well I know my relationship with the A was founded on the fantasy that he would rescue me. I also had many many fantasies that at some point he would recognize how much he hurt me. None of them have come through yet.
There is a fantasy you can have if you want to buy into it. With al-anon you can have a life with or without an A. And it can be one that is not so painful. As someone who was desperate for companionship and for love/romance it would be hard to sell that fantasy to me for a long long time. These days I am willing to settle for that. It is far less labile and more centered and peaceful. With or without the A I have a life I like and one I can live with. It is not one of extremes and it is not one made up of crisis. I have my bad days admitteldy and I still have reactive days but most days I can be somewhere in the middle rather than on either end.
Recovery for me was very little about him and all about me. When I came here it was all about him. These days it is very little about him and I do care for him and value him. The issue is I no longer put him before me. I put me first. And I recognize that by doing that I am valuing myself rather than abandoning him and his ever enveloping needs.
