The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A did not respond to the letter I sent him on Monday.
I woke up this morning crying.
I sent him a text saying "I miss my sweet wonderful "A" :(. Are you ready to try again at a slower pace? I do love you"
He did not respond.
Instead of being sad and accepting the fact he has rejected me and left me heartbroken & desperate, I am absolutely f'ing furious!
Does he not at least owe me a response?
I have so much rage and hurt in me that I dont know what to do with it! My level of confusion is WAY out of control.
Detachment SUCKS
And I am not the type of person who can be alone...so this new one who is interested in me that I am supposed to be going out with Saturday, well, why am I not excited about him? RED FLAGS everywhere with him and Iam not sure if it is me on the defensive and preparing to yet again get f'd over or if I am really sensing something.
Jen, rejection hurts...you sit and think of all of the wonderful effects that your letter will have, and then you get excited about the wonderful (imaginary) discussion it will bring. Days, weeks pass, and you get nothing...anger turns into self loathing at reaching out...you analyze your A and try to justify all of the reasons that he doesn't respond..he is afraid to face you, he is ashamed, he is heart broken...when the truth is, he is probably lit, high, etc. Learning about this disease, makes it more and more difficult to expect logic in an illogical and irrational lifestyle. It is more and more possible to understand that he has no reasoning for his behavior. But YOU do for yourself!
Focus on you. Reach out to friends. Look within for strength. Look to your God. I know it is tough, and hurts SOOO bad. But you are strong, and lucky to have yourself to fall back on. If not you, then who will pick you up. Work through the anger. It is natural. Mourn the loss of the relationship you wanted so desperately. And seek your friends and those that understand.
Actually, in answer to your question of "doesn't he owe me a response"..... the truth is NO, he doesn't.... I hated hearing that too, but it is the truth. It has taken me a long time, and sometimes I still fight it, but we cannot have expectations heaped upon others, and "expect" them to react in a certain way....
Taking responsibility for our own actions is our main focus, and you did what you felt you needed to do, in writing him that letter, and opening up to him. What he does, or doesn't do in response, is HIS choice. We cannot have conditions on others, but we can have consequences as a result....
I hope you are taking care of yourself....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Jen, what makes you even want to go out with anyone? Right now I see you as very vulinerable and hurting.
I read you don't do well alone. I used to beg the phone to ring. Becuz of this, I wanted to learn to be ok alone, with my own company. Learn to make myself happy, fulfill my own life.
Am so glad I gave myself lots of time to grow, time to be independant and ok with my own company. Got where I don't need a man in my life. If I meet one that is a good person, then I might want one. But not just anyone. I no longer wanted to get married.
Then my A comes back sober and changes my mind and I fell in hard love, him too. Aism has done it's best to tear us apart.
But becuz of alanon and loving me, being ok alone and looking at a man in my lfe as extra made it not so painful every time he would leave or when I had to make him leave.
To me it does not matter if this guy is nice or not. I don't believe a person who is in so much emotional pain is going to make good decisions. It is no time to be seeing another man. This is MY view, my experiece. I know if I am hurting it isn't even a good time to develop a woman friendship.
Jen if you had a broken leg could you walk? You have a broken heart, you are confused. How can you expect not to get pulled into something you are not ready for?
I see people who are so needy becuz they are in pain, make horrible decsions thinking it will make them feel better.
For me I would be making something into something it was not. I even slept with a guy becuz he wanted me. I did not want him. Nice, handsome guy. Made no difference, all I wanted was my A.
We cannot control what anyone else does. Whether they respond to us is up to them. No use expecting anything. Jen I just took money to put into my husbands commesary account. He is in jail. I don't expect anything. I did it for me.
Becuz I wanted to with no expectations. I don't expect ANYTHING from him. I take a day at a time.
I learned from alanon to be like that with everyone, tenants, my kids whoever. Then I am never disappointed. I can't put my will on anyone else.
I can hope for this or that, but am not going to allow it to break my heart. I am not perfect and once in awhile something might catch me off guard. But conciously I don't expect or assume.
I feel honey you are answering yourself but you are not listening. Red flags, don't really care, not excited....You are broken right now. Please allow yourself time to heal and treat yourself kindly.
I would be leery of such a forward man, or woman for that matter. I don't like being told I am beautiful or anything until someone knows me. It is objectifying you.
I know I don't see beauty in someone until I know them.
The most beautiful man in the world, steps on worms on purpose, would be ugly to me.
A man who is balding, a little soft, shorter, but smiles and laughs and is confidant is very very handsome and sexy to me.
Jen please think about this. Also I sure would NOT get into a car with him. Meet him if you go somewhere. Some people use flattery to manipulate. Also I always found it interesting how it takes so long to make a really good friend, yet men and women will hop into bed and share the most intimate parts of themselves, the first time they go out.
shaking head. All I know is you are very precious and I enjoy your posts. I don't want you hurt anymore. Being a mom I guess.
Plus I see me in you when I was young. I wish someone would have told me this stuff. All my mom said was do not sit in your boyfriends lap. lol lol
Keep Looking uP, so glad your here first., I have to say this. There are meetings in your area. At face to face (f2f) meetings You can talk with someone that can give ya a live ((HuG)) and really listen to "You." There... someone can give you some (One on One) experience, strength and hope (es&h.) Not to worry its people just like all the wonderful people here... ((jeniiifffeerrr)) Heres some numbers: Alanon Meetings; 1-800-351-9996. Alanon meeting information; 1-800-433-7266.
Your not alone. I came to accept that I am and always will be powerless over alcohol. My life had become unmanageable. I came to believe that there is a power greater than my~self. Made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my HP(Higher Power) / God. Truth is, with my HP.... as my inner strength..... I am more able to use the Alanon tools to stop all the hurtful thinking. I can STOP the beating myself up ... especially over what Someone else did or didnt do.... said or didnt say. Realized I have a choice. I can STOP the thought. I can STOP the sadness, I can STOP the madness., the frustration. I can and do. IT does get easier to STOP each time the badthoughts enter my mind..... because I'm getting quicker to stop them nowadays from working this program.
I have learned to replace the bad thoughts.... with the Serenity Prayer. With Slogans. If able to., I pick up an read from one of my Alanon books... I also carry em' in my handbag..lol. I know now I deserve better. I understand better Today.
I came to accept that it is OK to *Turn it over to my HP/God to help me restore and keep my sanity. And I see more clearly that my HP does.... this ., One Day at a Time. I Let Go Let God I realized its so freeing to have the choice to change my way of thinking,. AND with the belief in my Higher Power (HP/God) all things are possible. Let Go Let God have alllllll those things that you cannot control, you did not cause and you can not cure. (The 3 C's)
Take care of You Keep it Simple Keep Looking uP! Turn IT Over.
Helli, Jenn, Thank you for your post. I also encourage you to get to face to face meetings, find someone - maybe more than one person you can talk to - get a sponsor, get a phone list - USE IT! - and start working the 12 steps of AA and Alanon. That's what it takes to get through this, and believe me, I have been where you are. One of the things I've been learning in my own program over the past year or so is that when I put something out there, it is about me, and I can't expect any particular response from anyone. I have to be clear whether I am doing it because I need to say it for me, or because I want the other person to do something I want them to do. That has been difficult for me to swallow, but it truly a way of detaching and taking care of myself. I'm glad you are here, and that you have found Alanon. I can tell you that over time, if you work the program, things will get better. Thank your Higher Power for your feelings, whatever they are. Blessings and prayers, mebjk
I came to accept that I am and always will be powerless over alcohol. My life had become unmanageable. I came to believe that there is a power greater than my~self. Made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my HP(Higher Power) / God. Truth is, with my HP.... as my inner strength..... I am more able to use the Alanon tools to stop all the hurtful thinking. 
I can STOP the beating myself up ... especially over what Someone else did or didnt do.... said or didnt say. Realized I have a choice. I can STOP the thought. I can STOP the sadness,
I can STOP the madness., the frustration. I can and do. IT does get easier to STOP each time the badthoughts enter my mind..... because I'm getting quicker to stop them nowadays from working this program. 
Let God I realized its so freeing to have the choice to change my way of thinking,. AND with the belief in my Higher Power (HP/God) all things are possible. Let Go
Turn IT Over.
Jenneeefffeerrr