The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my a husband called and left a message yesterday. the kids and i haven't seen him in 3 months. he hadn't called in a week. he is living with his mother and his brothers and sisters who all drink and do drugs. but the thing is he wants to see the kids. i told him last time that i would not allow the kids over to his mother's house. he had the option last weekend of meeting the kids at the baseball game but he oppted not to do that (glad i didn't tell the kids). his solution this weekend is that he could get dropped off to my house on sat. and watch the kids while i go take care of my dad. the intensity of my hate and anger are suprising me. i know what i will say if he calls. i will tell him that i am no longer taking care of him so if he wants to see the kids he'll have to think of something else. i do not want him here.
guess who just called. i told him no to comming over to my house. he had nothing further to say and neither did i. so, i've been doing the old arguing in my head thing. it isn't as bad as it used to be. i do stop myself and laugh at myself for knowing better. but even so sometimes i just get caught up in telling his mother off and his brothers and sisters. because i know that my boundry of saying no to the kids going to his mother's and no to his comming here will be turned into "see, she won't let me see the kids!"and then they'll all sit around and tell him how right he is and how wrong i am and how he should do this that and the other to me. why do i care? i don't know any of this for sure and really what does it have to do with me? i think the biggest thing is this rage i feel and he seems like the perfect target. the laundry list of things that are just not right is so long.i am under more stress than i've ever been in. i am handeling it better too but still this anger. i know- or i think that no one is telling him the truth. no one is telling him that what he is doing and has been doing is wrong and damageing his children, scarring them for life. i was detatched from the in-laws until they came to the rescue again. since then i just haven't been able to feel that peace that comes with detatchment.
my father is at the end i believe. his heart is beating, his eyes open, his breathing is getting funny. but when i looked at him today he looked like he wasn't there. his body is still going but i think his spirit is gone.he isn't talking anymore and seems more peaceful than he has been. i am holding off crying because i'm scared if i start i just won't be able to stop.
Hello, serendipity, Thank you for your post. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. It makes sense that you are angry with all the craziness of your life around the addiction. In fact, it seems like a good thing! For me, learning my feelings has been a real growth in Alanon, because when I know my feelings are mine, I have self-esteem. It sounds as if you are obsessing, though, too, telling yourself what you would say to his family, etc. That has been the story of my life. The only way I know how to get through that is to keep giving it to God, to make space for God inside of me somehow. Through working the program we learn to let go of anger and hate so that it doesn't seethe inside of us as resentment, which only hurts us. And we do that one day at a time. In my experience, that takes lots of practice and work, going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, giving it up to God one moment at a time. I know that when I'm under stress it is easier for me to obsess and be angry. I will be keeping you in my prayers. mebjk
You are in my prayers. I often find when I try to hold back one emotion, another will intensify. Holding off on your grief may seem like a good thing for the moment but just like holding any emotion in, it has it's way of coming out. Your anger (and I'd be angry too) might be really intense, not just for the situation with your A but also because of the pain you are dealing with with your father.
What you are going thru is exhausting and emotionally draining. If you are able, try to find a half an hour or so to be by yourself. Allow yourself to let some of this out (whether it"s shouts of anger or tears of grief), I truly believe there is only so much we can hold in.
This is just my experience, as I'm going thru something very similar.
