The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have been talking a lot lately. Not arguing, just talking and about things that are important, to both of us.
My sending out his resume had a lot of results. There have been several calls a day about possible jobs. I was getting aggravated as he found a reason to shoot down each and every one of them. During a recent trip I did for work, I was down at his former job, (the one he was fired from for drinking.) and was approached by his boss. They have had trouble filling the positions for the summer and when he was sober and came to work, my husband was an excellent worker. His boss told me to tell my husband come see him. I told my husband of the meeting and he went and saw him. They want to give him another chance.
When he was telling me this a lot came up. The fact that he hadn't taken any other jobs etc. He admitted to me that his Mother didn't want him to take any of them. She kept telling him to wait for the park to call him back, (thinking they would not). She has several reasons for him not working. One is that she has things for him to do, the other is that if he is not working, then I cannot expect to get anything from him.
I got very upset at this. I told him that it is not his job to be at his Mother's beck and call, and that if I took him to court, they would order him to get a job. I said his Mother's logic is very spitefull.
He had interviewed with a fence company and the jobs sounded ok. The pay was decent and their was benefits. He was considering it, though it wasn't what he wanted. He really loved his job down the beach and though it is always temporary, he was hoping that when a permanent opening came up he would be considered.
I remminded him of this and told him that I did not have to pass on the mesage from his boss. I could have just kept quiet and hoped he took the fence job. I didn't, I know how much he wanted to go back, and wouldn't consider keeping the info from him, even though I know he will be out of work after the summer again. I love my job and feel it is important to at least like what you do. He deserves no less. I told him if money was my only concern as his Mother likes to say, I would have just kept quiet. That she is the deviouse one, not me.
He was very open with me. He said how much he loves me and misses being with us. He said I need to understand that his Mother has to come first, since his Dad died. Maybe I am heartless, but I disagree. I have been compassionate, but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and my husband should not be a replacement for his father.
He is struggling with his drinking and trying to prove he can cut it almost out alone. I am not saying anything about it. She has a lot to say about why he should drink, but I am letting him learn on his own, by keeping out of it.
He asked what I wanted and I said I want him to get himself together and start realizing what he has, and what he has to lose. That I was tired of being put down. He admitted that he does it becasue he feels bad about himself. He says that he knows that he doesn't do the things he is supposed to and he knows that I end up carrying the load alone. He admitted that he lashes out to make himslef feel better, by blaming me.
I know he is very torn right now. His Mom is making demands on him, and he feels he needs to be there for her. He wants me to be patient and wait. I can't do that, and I told him it isn't right for him to believe I should.
I have been fighting with this woman for years. I have backed off since my FIL passed away, but she has just tightened her hold on my husband. She does and says everything to make me the villan, and she always has. I have learned a lot from her over the years. She is a perfect model of what not to do when I become a MIL.
I know my husband loves me and I have assured him that I love him and can't prove it any more than I have. He said "Jeannie, please beg me to come home." I said I can't. I told him that I am not going to fight for our family anymore, that if he wants to be here, this is his home and he needs to decide that and make it clear to his Mother. That he needs to start doing what is right and fighting for his Wife and family. I cannot make boundaries for him with his Mother, he needs to learn to stand up to her adn I don't kknow if he can. I told him that while I know he has obligations as a son, he has brothers and sisters to help and he has to make it clear that this families needs must come first. He asked me why does it have to come down to his Mother or me. I told him it doesn't, but the only one who can figure out a balance is him. That I will not fight her any longer.
I know I have confused himn even more, but I am no longer going to treat him like a child. He is a grown man, and has proved to me that he does know what the right thing to do is. He just needs to figure out how to do it, and if he really wants to.
As for me, I will not just sit back and wait for this woman to die, so I have a chance at a marriage. I have come to the conclusion that I can live with my husbands drinking. While I continue to pray for his recovery, his drinking no longer has to define me. I cannot and will not live as second fiddle to his Mother any longer. A "Mammas Boy" is a whole lot worse than an alcoholic.
He asked what I want and I told him to think, and decide what he wants. I told him to know that I am here and that I do love him. I told him to figure out what he needs to do to get his family back and do it. I told him that id he moves his Mother out from between us, he will be able to reach out. He said I make it sound so easy, and I told him it is.
Oh geez I just wrote you a huge note and.... gone.rrrrr Ok try again.
I understand what is motivating you to put out his resume. I want to ask you, how would you feel if someone sent out yours?
Also talking to his boss, if it were me, I would feel totally humilated.
I see him and his mother as codependants to each other, they are both addicted to each other. It is very sick and very Aism.
A wise book says, "A man will leave his mother and father and cling to his wife."
The marriage vows make it clear we are not to put anyone before our spouce.
Anyway I used to make my A doc app. and drag him there. Then I would just make app. and he would not go. I got an attorney for his SSD.
When A is out of jail, I will tell him, the attorney says you need to go to the VA regularly and verify and get help for your illnesses. Then he can get you ssd.
period. He knows how to get the shuttle there and back.
I read, "he said" his mother did or said this or that. I know from experience, A's lie. Unless you hear it from her, I would not beleive anything he says,someone says.
I asked myself, what would make an A stay with mommy? Lets see, the A disease can drink and use with out anyone knowing, the disease is comfy at moms house. No one to nag him. He does not have to work, he can just drink and or use all day long.
He is comfortable at HOME. He can go into a room, shut the door and nap with no interruptions. Life is good. The disease is made so comfy, it can take over. He does not have to be stressed about anything as long as he can be drunk. NO kids, no wife, no bills, no job.
geez wish I could move in with mom....
The disease has him by the uno's. NOTHING you do will change that hon. As long as he is comfy at mommies, the disease is having a party.
shaking head. But you have those beautiful cool kids. It is so sad what the disease is taking away from the A.But as long as he is comfy where he is, does not get sicker, what would make him stop using, get back to work and come back to his family?
Jeannie you are doing your best. I see a strength in you that has grown so much. And I see this new revelation that he is not going to work is making you grow again. I know it hurts!
You did great! I feel the strength in your words. You are so right. They are not children and we are not there mommies and daddies. They need to make their own choices and take the responsibility for their actions! We shouldnt sit around letting our lives slip by waiting on them to make a decision, or waiting on us to make a decision either!!
I read your whole note, Jeannie. Know that we're here with you.
"My husband and I have been talking a lot lately. Not arguing, just talking and about things that are important, to both of us." That sounds healthy to me. Is it something that you could keep doing even when you don't get the results you'd like?
"As for me, I will not just sit back and wait ... so I have a chance at a marriage. I have come to the conclusion that I can live with my husbands drinking. While I continue to pray for his recovery, his drinking no longer has to define me. I cannot and will not live as second fiddle to his Mother any longer. A "Mammas Boy" is a whole lot worse than an alcoholic." If I challenge you to just be introspective for a moment (don't take offense), what would you say to yourself? You are married. This is your marriage. What constitutes a "chance at a marriage"? What are the things that are missing that you want to be there, and why do you want to push away those other things that are there now? (Are they material or emotional?) Is it the harm being done that you witness or the irritation and unhappiness that you feel that motivates you with him? What are the results that you're hoping for, that are elusive here?
I couldn't judge your answers to those questions, I'm not asking you write back on that. I ask myself these types of questions when I have the presence of mind. But if you think about them I bet you'll become more sensitive to yourself, less a mystery, and more present for yourself as you continue to 'talk, not argue' with him.
Something I read at lunch might be appropriate to share...
"At the rool of healing, at the root of feeling like a fully adult person, is the premise that you're not going to try to make anything go away, that what you have is worth appreciating. But this is hard to swallow if what you have is pain. ... If you are going to be completely at home in your world no matter how difficult the situation, it's because you will allow something that's already in you [wisdom-compassion of the heart] to be nurtured, instead of all the time shielding it and protecting it and keeping it buried."
-Pema Chödrön You know, I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you. Your problems are my problems too. (My distant mother-in-law will always be a big presence for us.)
Lots of positives in that post Jeannie mainly from your point of view. Whatever happens job wise is out of your control as it should be. Momma has him by the short and curlies and that is how she likes it. She is dominating him and he can't see it. She provides the comforts and he provides the company. Your are doing well. Luv Leo xx
I have my own serious work issues which often involve wishing and hoping that some job with change status so responsibility as it is for your husband seems to be part of my issues. It is very hard to see them in black and white and see the other side of them, the side that frustrates othes.
I do know that intrigue is a very big issue for me with the A and his family. There is also for me the part of feeling left out and not part of. That was a very big part of my growing up, not feeling part of the group, not feeling part of the family and only being allowed to be part of on a very limited level. I think my A and other A's can wedge very successfully in triangles and play people off against each other.
My A has managed very well to get people to be angry at me when in fact he is angry at me. He has managed to portray himself as the victim when he was not being responsible. He has got himself to look like a saint of virtue when he was really doing nothing for the relationship.
The issue of what is a healthy relationship is of course incredibly hard for me. All my views of relationship have changed in recovery. My former ideals were based on fantasy. Now in reality it is much much different for me. I do not argue with the A in ways I used to. I do not ask of him what I used to. Can I say I am happy and satisfied not really. I manage my resentments far far better.
As I progress in my al-anon recovery I am far less likely to be over involved and enmeshed and my idea of healthy has changed immeasurably. I am neither attracted to the victim (I super identified with the victim position before) or the wounded parts of the perpetrator (I can super identify with anyone but me). These days I prefer reality and a much more mundane existence which is much much calmer. I can't say I ever imagined I would want to be there. But at the end of the day I have to say there are many many days when I know if I were financially healthy and had more choices I would not be here living with an A and dealing on any level with his malicious, manipulative mother. I hope for me my emotional changes herald changes in being able to make a living and take care of myself because it has always been the other way around for me.
