hi, i'm new to this. i've sat and read all the posts, and have found comfort and support in them. i responded to one because it felt like my life.

i am 34 years old w/ 2 beautiful teenagers. i have been divorced for 7 years now. i have been w/ my partner for the last 6 years. when i met her she was just a beautiful soul. she had been sober for 4 years, and was a substance abuse counsler. after about 6 months i found out she had been drinking. she called it something not sure but a treatment about rational recovery. she changed her job because she said she didnt want to be double standard, which at the time i understood and respected. over the next few years, it got worse, she would be gone for days. and come home and say she just couldnt handle the kids as she had none, and i should understand if i loved her. and that became the motto of our life, it was me and the kids and if i loved her..... now mind you i did love her, and i never having been in such a situation, just didnt know better. i went out w/ my friends at times for happy hour and drank socially, she just drank more. well in the last year it just became out of control, her friends just were not nice looking people, i asked that they not come to the house. i respect your choices please respect mine. then it became very ugly and volitile. finally it came to the point that i asked her to move out, i made it clear i loved her, and would like to continue this relationship, but it was unhealthy for everyone involved until things settled down, and we came to some sort of respect, and understanding each others wants and needs. she now lives down the street and has finally ended up working at a corner convience store. she constantly asks me for help finacially. i finally put a stop to it, and of course its my fault, i kicked her out i dont love her, i never cared, she would help me if i need it. i tell her i love you and you know i do, i did not do this alone, and i wouldnt ask for your help because i dont need it. in the last 6 months she has lost about 30 lbs, now @ 6 feet she looks like death weighing 135. she shows up at my house at 3 am knowing i have to be at work, to see if i was with someone, to say she misses me and loves me and wants to come home, just a mess. i always try to talk to her, because i love her.... and when she would be gone i would notice money is gone, cigs, c.d's movies all the way to socks? finally i showed up at ther apt, about a month ago because her worked called and said she hasnt shown up, and it has been an on going problem for months and shes about to lose her job. when i get there her roomate says she out back talking to someone just go around. i went and she was smoking crack. i left and went home and thought for sure the shock would kill me. i didnt think id ever stop crying or catch my breath. i honestly thought i was going to die. she showed at my house about 3 hours later, and said she was so sorry i found out like that, but shes wanted to tell me for so long and its a weight off her back. i told her that is in no way a life i want to have any part of and she had to go.

i did ok trying to get it together, she tried to call and come over but i wouldnt except her. i had found out she had been smoking for 4 years, and was  very deep in her addiction. finally about a week ago, it all came crashing down, she owed money and was going to lose her job. i told her i would not help with her addiction, or her debts to it. and she was going to lose her job because of it. of course she said well if you love me... i went with her to talk to her boss, and i sat there as she told him it was because of me and i kicked her on the streets, and she was so depressed because of it, that she started to drink heavily, and really just needed to get it together. as he scowled at me he said to her well maybe you need not be with this person who cares so little for you. she said no she loved me. i could say nothing i was so deep in shock. as we left and her job was secure she turns to me and says thanks for not saying anything, i know i would have lost my job if you said anything.

my whole life is in shambles and all her co-workers look at me as if im trash and cruel. i want to scream the truth out at the top of my lungs. but yet i just stay quiet, and hide in my house when she shows at 3 am everynight. i dont know what to do.

is there anyone out there who can understand and help me, help me?