Hello, I am new to this Al-Anon site, but I was hoping that I could get some good advice and guidance in my time of desperate need.  Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be living in the life that I am right now. It is one of desperation and hopelessness.

Here is my story. I married my high school sweetheart 19 years ago. The first nine years of my marriage were normal and happy. We had two children, ages 16, girl, and 14, boy. After 9 years of marriage my husband's mother got cancer and passed away at an early age of 48.  Two years after that my husband's father died from a heart attack at age 51.

As I look back on it now, when his parents died that's when things went a little crazy. He would come home late after drinking with his friends a few times a week. When he was home, it was every night have a rum and coffee after dinner. Then it got to more than one rum and coffee. All of that was manageable. I could deal with it. 

Then later when I'd come home from somewhere, always something to do with the kids' school functions or sports, he'd be nasty and say the meanest things that would just floor me. I had said or done nothing that I could think would warrant such nastiness. He would even say the strangest things to my daughter and accuse her of doing something wrong or telling her she better not do this or this. It was just so out of character for him to be saying the things he did. He loves his children and would not want to hurt them in any way, but here he was just saying awful things.

So, anyway, I finally started to open my eyes and watch and just kind of figured out that alcohol was more of a problem that what I had thought, why else would he act like this.  So I asked him and he finally admitted that he has been for the last several years drinking a pint to a fifth of rum a day. Now that I look back I can see that he probably was because he was out of his element, but still he was normal in other ways. He always got up in the morning and went to work no matter how sick he felt or how much sleep he had and the mean-spirited person wasn't there anymore, until after work when he started his drinking again.

About a month ago he started going to AA. I was really proud of him finally admitting to himself that he has a problem. I thought to myself, great, now there will be some peace in all of your lives.The problem is he's still drinking. He can't go for more than 2 to 4 days without bingeing. Now, when he comes home after drinking, he is so depressed and crying and feeling bad, and then he goes into these rages. I really can't understand all of it.

I am reading "How Alanon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" and it's got some great advice in there. The problem that I'm having, though, is putting it into play in my life. There are no Alanon meetings local to where I am right now, the closest being 30 miles away. I really can't go to one at this time because I don't want to miss one single sporting event of my daugher's. I feel that she needs to know that someone is there for her. (He goes to some of these sporting events, when it fits into his plans, after drinking and it's so embarrassing to her).

I guess what all of this leads to is there are so many unanswered questions I have in my head. I really sometimes wonder if I'm going crazy. Like I said, when he started going to AA, I thought that life would change, and in many ways it's worse. There's been countless nights he's come home at 2:00 a.m. and we've had a fight and he's left for the night and then comes back all apologetic. I always forgive him, but what it's done to me emotionally and physically is what's got me down.  I really don't understand all of it. I know I'm supposed to detach myself but how can you when you feel like your heart is going to explode and you're shaking when you see that he can't even go two days without drinking or the embarrassment to know that he's going to an AA meeting drunk? 

The fights are getting worse. I know that I'm probably the cause of most of them because I'm fighting back. I'm not going to have him talk to me like this anymore. That's where I've got to learn to detach, I know, but how do you do it? How do you turn off the feelings when he's making the worst choices he can make, like driving around drunk? How can you detach from that and let it go?

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel hopeless and in desperation and wish the tears would stop flowing.  I need help!! Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.