The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has not phoned at all since yesterday. I guess I could be relieved that he is possibly out of my life forever and I will never have to deal with the insanity of alcoholism again, believe me, if I EVER encounter another A, I will leave them in the dust!
I am not relieved, I am trying so desperately to be strong, give my will to God and leave all of this in His hands to do what needs done.
My life is in shambles. I am not able to function being at home alone. I just sit on my sofa, look around at my messy apartment and think, hhhmmmmmm, maybe I should pick up a little, but I dont, I just sit there.
I am devastated that my A has easily turned his back on our future, the closeness, the warmth, the bond, the love, the devotion and the companioship we found in each other, again. Just as I think I cant cry anymore, I bust out in tears again.
I am so confused. He says he loves me, tells me he cannot bear the thought of not being with me, he does not want to lose me, YET within a few hours he is standing me up and telling me he is not in the mood to be with me, he is going to quit calling me and f'ing with my head.
The HOPE that I am trying to hold on to with every fiber of my being is that I have released him to God, I have released myself to God and asked God to deliver me from loving this man, if He does not want me to love him, then PLEASE deliver me from him!
My friend tells me she feels the Lord wants me in his life, that the Lord is working on him, opening his eyes and will work out His perfect plan, be prepared for God's miracle.
I just ask that the faithfull reading this PRAY for me and PRAY for my A...pray that we are both delivered by God and that we are shown a life of happiness and fulfillment, EVEN IF it is never meant for me to be with him again, I ask that my A be shown the glory of God and that his life is redeemed.
I love this man so so so so so much....I know I will love him forever.....the suffering is so incredible!
i am sorry that you are suffering. there is hope, somewhere, at least there has to be hope in the facts that God does have good plans for your life, whether or not they are with your A, that is up to you, just as we choose to love God, we have free will, we can choose whom we love, yes, love others and your neighbor, but if God is working on your A, he will continue to work on him despite how much we want to help. believe me, i am going through the same thing, last night my AH left with bag in hand for a fishing trip ??? at 11 p.m. and said see ya in a couple of weeks. i don't know what to think about him, i am trying to figure out if i am helping or standing in the way. sometimes i think i can love him enough to make him stop drinking or the thought of losing me would be enough for him to want to stop drinking, but then i kick myself for walking on eggshells and holding back because i am afraid i might make him drink.
so, the short of it is...... God is in control, if we let him, "let go and let God",. i am preaching to the choir. donna -
I just now signed up with this group and saw your post.
I know the pain you are going through. The fear of being alone is a great one. The fear of the unknown is even greater. I have been with my A for 32+ years. I left for a year and a half about 12 years ago, and believe me, with four kids that was hard but I was numb from all the lies and no shows etc.
I say I stay for the kids (2 left in school) but really I stay for me. Not wanting to believe this marriage is over after so many years of fighting for it. Not wanting to admit that I have tried every thing available to stop his drinking and failed. Not wanting to admit that he prefers the drinking more than our family and marriage.
And not wanting to admit that to leave, I leave alone and am alone.
I think on and off that God has me in his life to keep him from drinking 24/7 as he is a binge drinker.
But what about me? The emotional abuse, and the daily put downs are sucking the life out of me.
And watching the hurt in my kids eyes when he puts them down is enough to break my heart.
So I am in the spot of decision. To stay or not to stay.
hi, just wanted to let you know that everything will be ok. i know thats easy to say but ive been there and done that.ive been a member of alanon for 15yrs this july, and even though i been in the program for that many yrs. i still have my trails and tribulations. please get out of the apt. and do something for yourself, a movie, lunch or dinner with a friend, just anything to get out. even if its a walk around the block. put him in Gods hands and he will be taken care of. hope this helps in some ways
Jen, I can totally relate to your pain. I too keep saying that I will run from any future A's that I encounter because this has all been too much for me. I haven't heard from my ah in over 2 weeks. I left without warning after he was threatening separation. I know the pain and saddness that you feel. I also can't understand how my husband can so easily turn his back on our future hopes and dreams that we shared. I have been pushing him to get help and he just pushed me away. Now I am jobless, homeless, and without the future I had planned.
This disease is so difficult to understand. The more I try to analyze it, the more I can't understand. I try to focus on myself, but the pain is so deep that I constantly burst into tears. I too sit there wanting to get up and do something, but I just can't seem to move. I just can't bear the thought of packing up my things after being together for 13 years, but I know I can't live with the drinking and the progression of this disease. I had to take a stand before things went too far.
It is horrible to feel that someone is chosing alcohol over you, but I try to remind myself that my husband is completely clouded. He doesn't realize what he is doing. It is the disease and not the sweet loving caring person I know he is. I try to remember that there is a larger plan for all of us including my ah.
I hope my story makes you feel a little less alone. I will be praying for you.
justme