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I am new to alanon and have so many questions. I know that yelling and screaming at my AH is the wrong approach so I have remained quiet for the past two weeks...the problem is that he isn't saying anything either. Am I suppose to pretend that he didn't come home hours late several times this week and act like he hasn't done anything wrong. I am quiet because I am upset with him. Am I suppose to initiate a discussion about his drinking. I will keep attending meetings but could someone please give me some clues as to how I am suppose to act. In the past I would rant and rave... then we would make up ...have a "good period" before the cycle would begin again I can't live with that cycle of behaviour anymore but I am afraid that this silence will prevent us from ever connecting again. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
How do you act??? Act calmly like a person who is serene and focused on their own recovery. Detachment....he knows what he has done. Does not need you to discuss it with him. Make him feel guilty etc. The 3 C's set me free from the anger and my vicious cycle. You cannot control it. Quit trying it is pointless. You did not cause it...so it really doesn't matter what you do. A's drink. You cannot cure it so no matter what you say or how you act toweards him will not influence his drinking or his not coming home. When I realized how "sick" my behavior was I got busy at meetings and I got better. He is still drinking but I am no longer angry or resentful. I no longer rant or rage. Focus on what you can control. Your own recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease. Your question shows how much work there is to do on your self.
Yours in recovery....been there...done that...got the T-shirt.
What I did was change my actions like you.Then I stopped thinking about him and what he was doing, and look at what I wanted to do.
It is none of my business what he does and does not do. If I don't like it, then I either live with him or I don't.
For me I began reading more, planting flowers more. Worked with my dogs, rode my horse, got on here and did my service work responding to the wonderful people here.
I run an animal sanctuary> I did not allow his disease to stop me. Though I heard it constantly how he could not handle it.
Like he had to do anything. I never asked him for help.When he felt good he did do wonderful things for these animals.
Anyway when I got so into me and what I was doing, it changed how i felt about his quietness. I was just glad he was there when he was. Never expected him to say anything or ask anything. It was rare if he ever asked me a question. I can remember one time. He asked me if i read the whole newspaper...geez
He never asked if I was happy, or sad, he never asked what I liked and what I didn't. We are talking over thirty years.
Anyway I was set free when I realized that people have to be accepted as is. We cannot change them. That is the three C's.
I never bring up his using. It is none of my business. In fact I tell him I don't want to hear about it. I would listen if he went to AA and what he had learned or how he felt.
But for awhile I would have given anything just to have him back sitting on the couch watching tv in his robe and sweat pants with a dog in his lap.
Hi , in Al-Anon we learn to respond rather than react. You have every right to tell him u don't appreciate his behavior just don't expect that it will change. I was told when I got here I only had to learn two things , when to shut up ! and when to speak up! that took awhile.
to keep it simple I just did the opposite to what I usually did and it just naturally worked out different. When I wanted to fight I shut up etc. tried my best to be polite and respectful even if he didn't choose to talk to me.
There is no point in lecturing or issuing ultimatums when dealing with alcoholism they simply don't work and m ost of us are not prepared to carry out the treats anyway. So do the oposite
If you have our ODAT go to the page on july 14 th do what it says to the best of your ability and your life will get better. I read that page for a yr every morning til i was actually doing what it said. I was a tad stubborn . hehe also pick up a detachment pamphlet at your next meeting that little piece of paper changed my life. good luck Louise
Thank you for your words. Thank you for caring and for the advice. I am going to print them and read them alllllll day. I will read the passage that was suggested. I will try to focus on me instead of him. But can I tell you all something. Inspite of it all I MISS MY HUSBAND....was he ever real?????Did I make up the happy times that he doesn't seem to miss. I am too sad for words again. The "again" is the problem. I know I need HELP thanks for yours. I wish you all a happy day.
"In spite of it all I miss my husband" I think all of us can relate to that intense pain that you feel there. This disease affects us in so many ways. It makes us doubt that we were ever capable of making a good choice, seeing the "real" person. Al-anon helps us to rediscover that "compassion" for the alcoholic. I don't know your husband and I can't definitively say "YES, he was "real." But my gut feeling is that you fell in love for a real reason my friend. And despite all that you love your husband. Never feel guilty about love. Do that reading, go to your meetings, listen to the ES&H of others to help change the "tapes in your head" which will in turn change the instinctive way you act (rather than "react"). Although you may need to change the way you respond and act, you never ever have to feel guilty for loving someone.
Keep working, my friend, I promise if you work it, it will get better for your.
I usually reacted by raging and yelling obscentities at my A or just plain be a nagging bitch!! No wonder he would leave the house or just began distancing himself with no connection anyway, and I mean almost none. I don't approach him on his drinking anymore, at all. I have learned to take my hands off that and allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. Funny thing, since I no longer badger him and monitor his drinking I enjoy our time much more. We sit on the back porch together now, when I get bored I go inside and busy myself with other things. He's starting to evaluate his drinking and realizing that he can't function at his job if he has a hangover, so the six pack he would drink in one evening has become 3 or 4 beers. When I stopped raging and screaming about everything I too noticed that we didn't talk much. I even brought that up and asked him was the only thing keeping us together was the fighting and chaos. He said, I'm really a more introverted quiet person. I enjoy being with you without talking so much. I understand that I'm much more introspective than he is and I like to bring things to light, but he doesn't, not always anyway. He finally had to tell me to enjoy the silence and our time together does not always have to be counseling session. I have become more relaxed with that silence, its not that we have nothing to talk about its just we have talked for so long and fought for so long, maybe its time for quiet. You have figured out that blowing up over things only makes it worse. Try delaying your reactions and thinking about how you would like to communicate how what he did or said made you feel. Just a thought...
Hope you have a good day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
SOOOOO the silence was finally broken BY HIM He asked me to have pizza with him last night and I could tell he hadn't had any beer. I didn't lecture or cry I just ate pizza and watched TV. I tried to enjoy the monment rather then figure out the future( as suggested ) He wanted to have relations this morning but I quietly explained that I just couldn't and that I wasn't trying to use this as a weapon. I am AFRAID of repeating the cycle....I need to protect myself from future hurt. I am committed(please God give me the strength) to attending Alanon meetings and reading this board and all literature I can get my hands on. I can't put my head in the sand ( something I have always accused him of....I think I have just had a revelation)and pretend there isn't a problem just because we have a "good" period. I don't know how to accomplish this but I will try not to rush the answers. Words of wisdom very much appreciated. Serenity to all of you
My heart goes out to you. Been there, done that. What helped me the most was honoring my feelings. For the longest time, when I first started Alanon I was trying to figure out what was the right thing to do, eventually I learned to do the right thing for me. I began listening to my feelings and honoring them. At first, I would be quiet because I did not know what to say, how to say it or how to act; then I learned to say exactly what I felt in a non threating way "I do not appreciate this behavior in our home" and continue on with my chores or my day.
When things would get bad, really bad, my A, would come to me in a very lovey, dovey attitude as if that would take the hurt away, many times I gave in feeling terrible in the process for giving in when I did not want to. Slowly, very slowly, through attending meetings, reading Alanon literature and with the love and support of my sponsor (who provided me a safe place to vent all my feelings, anger, frustration, pain, etc.) I came to realize how important it was to honor my feelings and keep myself safe (safety goes beyond just physical safety).....
Alanon is not about the A, is about "us", learning to trust ourselves, love ourselves, know ourselves, honor ourselves. Taking care of ourselves does not mean we do not care about the A in our lives, to me, it means that we are as important as all the others are. What has worked for me, is to stay centered, to stay focused, to work the program, to keep the focus on me, not to react, to take a moment and pause while I ask my HP to put the words in my lips that I should say.
Peace and serenity is what is all about. Alanon is all about "us"....... Alanon to me is all about love and serenity in us, with us and within us.
It is comforting to know I am not alone...not crazy...not at fault
This is about me not him ...I will try and repeat this a zillon times throughtout the day ...also the 3 C's.
I just came home and he is not. I am 90% sure he is food shopping but I still have this uneasy feeling. That is why I know I need alanon. I can't live with this sick feeling any more...Alanon is making me aware of how MUCH his drinking shapes my day. I can't believe that it took me sooo long to get here. I have been struggling with this for over 30 years...successful in my job....on the outside always appearing happy...am sure I have experienced real joy but also have looked up methods to commit suicide too!!! Don't worry I'm not but sometimes the depth of hurt seems so unbearable. I think u know what I mean...Love you all and I don't know u?????
