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I am a little confused as to the setting of boundaries and the natural consequences, or predetermined consequences to those boundaries being crossed.
Found out 10 days ago that my stepdaughter is using cocaine again. I was not here the first time in her life that that was an issue but I was told some of what went on. I don't want that stuff happening in my house.
Because of this I have said that she is not to be in the house if one of us are not here. I don't want to come home and find stuff missing or destroyed.
Now I am told I am just being mean. I don't feel mean, I just feel extremely tired of always being on guard.
She has a very nice apartment of her own. I don't want drugs in my house and I don't want her here drunk or stoned. Am I really missing the mark here or are people just ticked because I am saying enough is enough (don't really expect an answer to that part).
Still lost but seeing a path now.
Annie
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I believe we set boundaries for our selves for our protection and preservation. If you are not comfortable with SD bringing drugs in the home or fear she will steal property from your home, you have the right to put some boundaries on when she's allowed to be in the home. Trust must be earned, and if you don't trust her, then protect yourself and your home. If she has an apartment of her own ask her nicely to keep it at her place and if she wants to visit let her know someone must be home. In my experience with setting boundaries with people who don't respect boundaries the ones who are oppossed have felt I was being mean and unrealistic. I have been manipulated by people oppossing to my boundaries and essentially my feelings. I am learning to allow people to be upset with my choices because that's exactly what they are "my choices". They don't have to like it, but I also know now I don't have to bend if I don't want to bend. Good Luck with SD.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I agree with Twinmom. People often see our setting boundaries as being mean, or even more so as our way of trying to control someone else.
Boundaries should be for us, for our own protection and security. In my humble opinion not wanting to let your adult step daughter who has her own home, be alone in your home is not unreasonable at all.
Setting those boundaries, or figuring what boundaries to set can be so difficult. We need to examine our motives and decide if they are reasonable boundaries to impose on those around us. First and foremost I think for me, is I need to be sure I am really NOT trying to control someone else's life choices by my boundary. BUT! I do get to choose the things I will or will not have in MY life. If those two things cannot co-exist then so be it, I still have to be true to myself. My desires for my life are every bit as important as someone else's desires for theirs.
We never allow our adult son in our home when we are not there. He knows we don't trust him. I guess the first time we told him that was when we changed the locks just in case he still had a key on him somewhere, he got kind of testy. I so don't care if his little feelings are hurt.
Boundaries , well never met anyone who liked them hehe. Look at your motives when setting a boundary , are they meant to "teach someone a lesson" to pay back for something they have dont to you "revenge" if thats the case they usually back fire. But for me setting a boundary as you describe NO Drugs in your home .
I think you have a right to do that. How does your husband feel about this is he on board with your decission? If not all you can really do is explain how u feel and let it go ,if he continues to let her in the home there is not much u can do about that but it is important that you say how u feel . I assume she is allowed in your home if she is sober and clean. seems like a reasonable request to me. Louise
While I am so sorry you are experiencing this, I am so glad you shared/posted about it.
And I'll just say that my ESH to you is largely ditto to what my al anon friends above have shared. Especially that setting boundaries with honest program motives is not being mean, but folks who won't respect the boundaries sure will find lots of ways to push back, including blame and guilt, e.g. saying you are being mean.
What really struck me is that you are talking about an adult. For me, even setting aside the trust issue for the moment, most of the adults (even back when I was in my 20's) I know/knew, including myself, when I moved out of my parents house after college, they didn't have a key to my house and I didn't have a key to theirs. We respected each others independent lives, each others privacy. Exceptions occurred if someone was sick, or was on vacation and needed plants watered, etc ... but after that, the key was given back. Neither of us just walked in.
It was a little different when my parents and I ended up living in different states, and when we would come to visit. We stayed w/ each other, and had a key during the stay -- which was just naturally returned at the end of the stay.
But even during the stay, there were house "rules." Like, no smoking in the house (interestingly, this was mostly for my mom who smoked).
SO first of all, basic respect of another's privacy, one adult respecting another adult's privacy, is key for me (this is so interesting cuz I thought I didn't grow up with boundaries, but you are showing me that my family did have some ... thank you for helping me see that).
Then one adds in an active addict, and one adds in the criminal consequences to you if cocaine or some other illegal substance is found on your property -- or if there is a history of theft or destruction to YOUR property -- etc. --- well, talk about self-care!!! I am reminded of this point from some conf approved lit somewhere that goes something like, acceptance does not mean having to live in a degrading situation.
I believe that my home is my sanctuary and it is a drug-free zone, period. And if my spouse did not agree with that .... that would be a red-flag for me, b/c while a lot of the details are negotiable, but basic safety and privacy in my own home is not.
I wish I were there to give you hugs ((((((((Annie))))))))))))). You said you weren't there the first time SD did this ... sounds like something you inherited that you didn't have all the facts about until they started happening. I can appreciate that makes it harder, much harder, to be the one to set boundaries. I hope you'll trust your gut .... you know what is right for you, even when others are trying to push back on your boundaries. And re what I've said above, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Hey - I love ur note! yes boundaries are essential. when I last visited my family, I got to see my mom's headstone. It was a beautiful, simple stone. In the years since she crossed my family has grown so much it is breath taking to get to watch. Although I cannot *make* them get into here, they see my boundaries keep in hover mode on this spiritual program and get it by osmisis so u r on the right track is my sense. keep ur serenity and surrender to the madness by doing in love. Keep ur wings angel.
You are not being mean and you are not being controlling. You are not telling your SD what to do in her own home, just what you will accept in your home.
You have every right to decide someone should not be in your home when one of you is not there. She has her own home. You have every right to not want illegal drugs in your home. That is a boundary as well as self protection. If she chooses to keep drugs in her own home then she is liable for any legal problems if they are found there. If she brings them into your home, then it becomes your problem.
Your personal belongings are also yours and you should not have to worry about if they are being stolen by someone who is in your home without your presence..
Most A's or addicts are not happy with boundaries. They tend to see everything as about them, as a way to persecute them or kill their fun. Your boundaries are about you. Making you comfortable and protecting yourself and you are entitled to them.
My kids began as potheads until they moved to heroine. They became so good at lying and covering up that I did not see it coming, denial on my part most likely. I set boundaries and set them in stone, literally. At the beginning they thought I was mean and nasty and it was not pleasant in the least. I was blamed for "their" problem because of all I had put up with our main alcoholic and how I could justify it to them if I did not apply the boundaries to the alcoholic, This set me up for shame, terrible shame...... so I acknowledged as painful as it was that they were right, I did not honor the boundaries I had set up with the alcoholic but I did not take the shame nor the blame for a choice my kids made. No way Jose.
As painful as it was honoring myself the boundaries that I had set as I loved my children dearly, I had no choice. Now my kids are attending Alanon meetings and NA and are beginning to understand my position.
I have gone back to Step One on the Paths of Recovery workbook. I personalize the questions, putting their names instead of the word alcoholic and replacing the word drinking with drug use......... It has made all the difference in the world as I discovered that I had 2 sets of values, one for all the alcoholics in my life and one for my children.
