The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I met my boyfriend out for drinks with friends. As usual, he took it too far. He feels he needs to be "the life of the party". Our friends think he's fun and funny, I see it as being obnoxious and I know that he will always take it too far. I start dropping little hints to him that I think he should stop about now. He does slow down, for me, but I can see he wants more, he talks about drinking more, he doesn't get another but he drinks from random glasses scattered across the table. We go home and he is not sloppy which makes me feel better. But he wants to go into every bar we pass. . We get home and he goes out for a pack of cigarettes. He doesn't come back. I go out and find him at the bar around the corner. I told him goodbye I am going home (I live 30min away). I didn't feel hurt the way I usually do, I just really did not want to be anywhere near him. I was angry that he would make such a stupid decision. He called and called but I didn't answer--cause I really didn't want to talk to him. I never want to talk to him when he is drunk--I don't believe it's real because who knows how much of what he says is over dramatic, and how much will he remember of it in the morning anyway.
So here I am the next day. I don't really know how to feel. I am still a little angry, but last night I mostly just wanted to get away. I separated myself from the situation and I felt okay. I love him, I don't want to end things, but I don't know how to handle situations like this, and I don't know if I want to. We have such a great relationship but for his problem. We talk about marriage and kids, and I am all for it, but for this issue. 10 years from now am I going to have to track him down at some bar when he is supposed to be home with me and the kids? Or can he stop, can he get help? And what do I do in the meantime?
I understand what you are feeling. I guess all I can really say is that I thought I could change my boyfriend when I married him. It didn't work. When he is sober, he is all I have ever wanted in a husband. We have a beautiful daughter and just paid off our home so all in all we have a great life, but there is still the cloud over us. Until he acknowledges that there is a problem, nothing you can do or say will make a difference. He has to make the change because he wants to and maybe that is where you have to "let go and let God" and pray that understanding will come through him.
He just called. Knowing that he'd be sober by now, I answered. I let him talk. He said that after I left he went home and talked to his nieghbors, friends of ours. They told him that if he kept it up alcohol was going to ruin his life. He says that he has really taken it to heart. I think that it helps hearing it from someone other than me. So he said he is stopping it all, no more. I told him, okay, if that is your decision than I want you to get help because this is not the first time you have said this. I told him that I didn't want to lose trust in him, but that it is already happening. He was very humble and sincere. I geuss all I can do is be supportive, and continue to grow in my own alanon knowledge.
Are you going to meetings? Are you learning what you can about this disease of alcoholism and what it really is, how it keeps progressing if they don't seek help and quit? Having an understanding of the disease can help when we're questioning ourself as to whether we can live this life or not. As the first reply said, we can't change them. We can only change ourself, our thinking, our attitude. Is your love big enough to accept him as he is today, to learn what you can do to remain calm and serene when he is "obnoxious" drunk or out all night at the bars, etc., can you accept that and still love and go about your life? If he never changes, is your love enough that you can accept that kind of life...for him and for YOU?
These are the same kind of questions I've asked myself. I've had several relationships, one of which I used to refer to as "the love of my life". I stayed in that relationship despite family and friends telling me it wasn't good for me. I had faith in "our love". Well, love wants the best for each other. Love doesn't use one another. Love respects one another. One day I "woke up" and realized I didn't want to just be the mother of his son, his mistress (he married his old girlfriend several years into our relationship just as I got pregnant), I wanted my own husband who cared enough to say to the world "this is my wife, I don't want or need anyone else". I moved on even though I did still love that man (and would for the next 10 years)... the difference was I had grown to love myself more, to want what was best for me and for my children.
It's all about acceptance for me. What can I accept and live with? Being able to see the full picture helps me in making decisions. Knowledge is a good thing. Al-Anon has helped me immensely in knowing myself. When you truly know yourself, then questions are easier to answer. When you know why you react a certain way, why you think the way you do, when you can feel a feeling and understand where it is coming why...when you are aware of all these things, then you can either accept them or change them as needed. Are they good for your life or not? (the feelings/thoughts/actions)
Whatever your choice may be, know that we are here to support and love you. I love and am married to an active alcoholic now, and its okay. He respects me, he supports the things I want to do with my life, yes we argue at times (I believe any relationship has its moments of disagreement) but then we talk it thru and resolve it. It is not easy at times, there are days I feel life could be easier without this darn disease in it, but for today I can accept it and live with it.
Keep coming back!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I really cant add anything much to what Kismet and Feeling had to say, very good thoughts from them both. Just want to say that I married a woman with a drinking problem. At the time we married she had told me she would not do that anymore and had been sober for many months. I remember telling the man who would marry us at pre-wedding meetings with him that the only thing I saw as a potential problem with our future life together was her drinking. She assured him and I that was in the past. She wanted to stop. But she was unable to on her own. After the "honeymoon" was over, she started again. At first just a little but as time wore on and her disease progressed it became more and more and more. We both knew there was a problem from the very beginning you see, but chose to live in a world of denial and I always just figured that if she loved me enough and I did enough things to show her how much I loved her she would honor our love by not drinking anymore.
I woke up after about 10 yrs of being with her and realized I was miserable with me life. It took another couple of years but we eventually did separate and divorce. Things might have been different if we had found programs earlier on, but we did not. It is so great that you have found al-anon. Keep working it, keep taking care of you. The rest will be as it is going to be, but we get to decide for ourselves how we want to deal with what life puts in our path. And al-anon gives us the tools to help us to make those decisions!
I agree with KIS posts you will have to decide what you can accept and live with. My A has attempted program 4 times and each time I thought he was ready, but he wasn't. We split for a time due to the fights the anger and resentment living with this disease can bring on. Working this program for me has made all the difference in the world for my mental health, my perspective that I have with my A and my relationship. We have since reconciled and he is still activly drinking. All I can say is I'm happier and learning to discover why I react the way I do, why I get scared, my fears, etc. My A is supportive of my dreams, it was me that was using him and the kids to hold myself back. I had to be honest about that. It has not been an easy road and there are still kinks to my relationship, but I have let go and have accepted that I love an A. His behaviors and choices are his own. I continue working on my recovery and staying focused on myself and what I need to be happy. Keep posting and coming back.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Well tracking him down , such a waste of time and we make fools of ourselves at the same time,my attitude has always been u got yourself there find your way home. You described your scene at the bar was dejavu for me , he is the life of the party and i am the miserable B who forgot how to smile and enjoy. you might just as well let him drink as usaid he drinks others leftovers anyway YUCK !!! when your tired of watching him make an ass out of himself get in the car and go home . Leave him where he is ,someone will take him home . or there are always cabs. no scenes just excuse me I am tired and go. We have choices and looking after them is just not one of them for me . He will stop when he feels like it and not before .
I am very new to alanon so I really do not know what I am talking about BUT I have been married for 30+ years to tha "life of the party". In many many ways it has been good but I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Too much hurt disappointment and sadness.
I am newly back to Al anon but in my experience, Alcoholism is progressive, so actually, in 10 years, you have MY life to look forward to:
For me, there are no more bars, my husband doesnt bother anymore. He just goes to the liquor store and stumbles back home with a bottle of Vodka. He downs it and soon is off for some more, stumbling down the street, usually barefoot and dirty, covered in throw up, but sometimes he drives in this condition. (Did I mention he has 7 DUIs and is now in State prison?) When and if he returns home with the vodka, and usually some beer, he may start to get violent with me so I have to leave (We have been evicted from more than one place because of him)...then eventually he passes out...I come home maybe the next day, after sleeping in my car with my cats (so he doesnt hurt them accidentally) and he is usually still drinking, ranting and raving about this or that and if I can manage to get him to leave, he may go to a hotel and continue this for days, until he cant drink anymore, usually falling down and cutting himself somewhere along the way, bleeding all over. If he wont leave, I have to call the cops or I have to get out of there and stay with friends, and he will DESTROY the house-drinking for days, even weeks: non stop drinking. Eventually he sobers up, many many times because we have to take him to the hospital for acute alcohol poisoning, or because he ends up in jail somehow...again. I could go on...and on...and on....
the sober period lasts maybe a month or so, he even goes to AA and I get my hopes up...but he always drinks again.
Trust me-it DID NOT used to be this way. It IS a progressive disease. He used to be like your boyfriend. I am now contemplating divorcing him. I dont have a lot of solutions, but I know the answer to your question about 10 years from now...whatever its like now, it WILL get worse if he doesnt stop. And the worse he gets, the crazier I get. That much I know.
